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When i was 4 my first memory
fresh sweat peas seaming hot
when i was 5 i remember crying
i remember being hit and told "ill give you a reason to cry"
when i was 8 we moved to a new house
the truck was late and we got there on my birthday
i vividly remember crying and saying happy birthday to me
I remember when I was 7 the thud
i was thrown in a wall you don't remember the pain
just the sound the thud the crash
remember getting back up and being thrown again
until after a few times i learned to stay down
I remember i was 9 and I met a friend
my mom needed money and the church would help
so we went to church and there i had a friend
it wasn't long before i caught feelings
I also had another friend group (12 other people) they where... bad people
and for them i did questionable things
they all ended up dead within the next 3 years
I remember being 10 I was on school 2 and done
there where two alright dudes justin and carter
both super smart and we won the class contest
they didn't want me cuz they where scared i wouldn't do my work
i came up with the idea and we won 3/4 areas of the contest
also around now I met tiger of whom rapped and taught me poetry
Here I got the basics of words what goes where and why
I was 11 and changed school for grade six and liked a game something like 4 square (where i was k-6 was elementry 7-9 where middle school and 10-12 was high school)
other people called it a little kids game and we played it in PE and
after that it was THE sport there was never a grade without it
Also noteably here dad got worse he hit and screamed
he hated me the most because i was the shield
i had at this point 2 siblings both of witch i took the blame for
I also met my best friend (Rukia)
the last of the 12 of whom i cared for far to much
as i'll be the last to die I started calling myself CSS Examples
I was 12 and mom and dad got in a really big fight i had to rush my siblings outisde
we left to a neighbor and just said mom said to come over
after that is kind of a blurr until we went to grandma and grandpas
This was when the schools shut down for Covid
My grandpa was amazing and grandma was odd
my family hated it but I was pretty numb
by now I didn't feel all that much
my long time friend from church made me feel
we would talk for hours about the stupidest stuff
only her and rukia could change how i felt
another noteable thing is here i was the adult
I made the rules I managed things i was the power
and the responeability *my grades didn't like that*
Here I also joined a forum that had a small enjoyable community *here*
I was 13
I was in grade 8 I was burnt out and didn't care
a teacher of geography mr,hole figured me out
I was starved for attendtion expecially from smart people
because to be validated by someone who knows nothing means nothing
I loved school because it was an escape but hated the pressure and the people
covid ended start of that year
we also got the house back from my step dad
(my bio dad came in and out of my life from prison i'm told i sat outside hours crying and once stayed outside waiting 2 strait days before they had to force me inside tho i dont remember any of it *this was ages 6-13*)
I was 14
I lost my friend of years and hated myself for it I fell from numb to depressed
I through myself into online chats i had somewhat delved into and found a few friends
i had a good 4-8 friend groups all in diffrent time zones
so they could always talk
of all the friends i had at the time i still have two
Rukia and Sushi
Sushi was an online friend whom was absolutely adoreable but far too trusting
She was a year younger but gave away things like home address by accident
she told me where she went to school and I talked to her about internet safety
I knew she was real or think i did.... If not i do for a fact know now
Rukia is a special kind of person, I could talk to them forever and everything would fall away.
I could openly express my dark weird abstract thoughts
I would also frequently share peoms
(im trying to keep there personal info to a minimum)
I was or am 15...
I'm still numb alot of the time
sushi has as of yet become my gf
we talk about things just random and stupid little things
we laugh together we cry together
I eat at least once a day *before I'd go days without eating*
My mom got remarried
My siblings to to therapy
Rukias a senior now so there busier than ever
im in grade 10
I still really hate myself in a lot of ways
but I don't hurt myself at all anymore *also a thing i did like wayyyy too much*
I work hard in school now *mostly cuz i'm fored too*
I also stopped drinking *i get its like an awful thing to have done period but yea*
I'm hoping this is a turning point and i don't fuck it up again
Thats it,,,, All a true story
My story
I may be just a background character to you
but damn have i gone through some character developement
I hope you enjoyed
goodbye for now
-DP