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Just a story weirdly formated maybe a rant

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  • Just a story weirdly formated maybe a rant

    When i was 4 my first memory
    fresh sweat peas seaming hot

    when i was 5 i remember crying
    i remember being hit and told "ill give you a reason to cry"

    when i was 8 we moved to a new house
    the truck was late and we got there on my birthday
    i vividly remember crying and saying happy birthday to me

    I remember when I was 7 the thud
    i was thrown in a wall you don't remember the pain
    just the sound the thud the crash
    remember getting back up and being thrown again
    until after a few times i learned to stay down

    I remember i was 9 and I met a friend
    my mom needed money and the church would help
    so we went to church and there i had a friend
    it wasn't long before i caught feelings
    I also had another friend group (12 other people) they where... bad people
    and for them i did questionable things
    they all ended up dead within the next 3 years

    I remember being 10 I was on school 2 and done
    there where two alright dudes justin and carter
    both super smart and we won the class contest
    they didn't want me cuz they where scared i wouldn't do my work
    i came up with the idea and we won 3/4 areas of the contest
    also around now I met tiger of whom rapped and taught me poetry
    Here I got the basics of words what goes where and why

    I was 11 and changed school for grade six and liked a game something like 4 square (where i was k-6 was elementry 7-9 where middle school and 10-12 was high school)
    other people called it a little kids game and we played it in PE and
    after that it was THE sport there was never a grade without it
    Also noteably here dad got worse he hit and screamed
    he hated me the most because i was the shield
    i had at this point 2 siblings both of witch i took the blame for
    I also met my best friend (Rukia)
    the last of the 12 of whom i cared for far to much
    as i'll be the last to die I started calling myself CSS Examples

    I was 12 and mom and dad got in a really big fight i had to rush my siblings outisde
    we left to a neighbor and just said mom said to come over
    after that is kind of a blurr until we went to grandma and grandpas
    This was when the schools shut down for Covid
    My grandpa was amazing and grandma was odd
    my family hated it but I was pretty numb
    by now I didn't feel all that much
    my long time friend from church made me feel
    we would talk for hours about the stupidest stuff
    only her and rukia could change how i felt
    another noteable thing is here i was the adult
    I made the rules I managed things i was the power
    and the responeability *my grades didn't like that*

    Here I also joined a forum that had a small enjoyable community *here*

    I was 13

    I was in grade 8 I was burnt out and didn't care
    a teacher of geography mr,hole figured me out
    I was starved for attendtion expecially from smart people
    because to be validated by someone who knows nothing means nothing
    I loved school because it was an escape but hated the pressure and the people
    covid ended start of that year
    we also got the house back from my step dad

    (my bio dad came in and out of my life from prison i'm told i sat outside hours crying and once stayed outside waiting 2 strait days before they had to force me inside tho i dont remember any of it *this was ages 6-13*)

    I was 14

    I lost my friend of years and hated myself for it I fell from numb to depressed
    I through myself into online chats i had somewhat delved into and found a few friends
    i had a good 4-8 friend groups all in diffrent time zones
    so they could always talk
    of all the friends i had at the time i still have two

    Rukia and Sushi

    Sushi was an online friend whom was absolutely adoreable but far too trusting
    She was a year younger but gave away things like home address by accident
    she told me where she went to school and I talked to her about internet safety
    I knew she was real or think i did.... If not i do for a fact know now

    Rukia is a special kind of person, I could talk to them forever and everything would fall away.
    I could openly express my dark weird abstract thoughts
    I would also frequently share peoms

    (im trying to keep there personal info to a minimum)

    I was or am 15...
    I'm still numb alot of the time
    sushi has as of yet become my gf
    we talk about things just random and stupid little things
    we laugh together we cry together
    I eat at least once a day *before I'd go days without eating*
    My mom got remarried
    My siblings to to therapy
    Rukias a senior now so there busier than ever
    im in grade 10
    I still really hate myself in a lot of ways
    but I don't hurt myself at all anymore *also a thing i did like wayyyy too much*
    I work hard in school now *mostly cuz i'm fored too*
    I also stopped drinking *i get its like an awful thing to have done period but yea*
    I'm hoping this is a turning point and i don't fuck it up again

    Thats it,,,, All a true story
    My story

    I may be just a background character to you
    but damn have i gone through some character developement
    I hope you enjoyed

    goodbye for now