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My Entry, a poem entitled Divided.

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  • My Entry, a poem entitled Divided.

    Divived:




    The streets seem to dictate--
    The divides between people,
    A neighborhood of strangers,
    Seen everyday, yet no words said--
    Between men and women,
    The children are the only ones,
    Brave enough to truly talk,
    While the adults get in cars,
    And drive away to traffic,
    To sit, seated in the street,
    Highways highly inefficient--
    Conveyer belts.

    The grey walls of cubicles,
    Divide us while we go about the usual,
    Brutal mutual irrefutable delusional--
    Avoidance of your co-workers,
    Sipping that Earl Grey and--
    Avoiding eye contact.
    The clacking of the clicking keyboards is crucial,
    While the boss keeps a visual, of the individuals,
    Separate in cubicle prisons, the chains attached,
    To the coffee cups and computers, institutional.

    The school desks, a school boy rests,
    Doing his tests, while his patience is tested,
    Other young students, (not well rested)
    Are being tested, looking at the paper, uninvested,
    They wanted to leave the test for later,
    The teacher protested, "This information needs--
    To be digested! Keep your focus arrested!"
    He requested, testing (the patience) of the segmented boys and girls.

    The prison cells, don't suit them well.
    A separated segregated suitable hell.
    Fathers yell, and kids revel in rebellion.
    The sporadic erratic philosophy lost,
    In the lack of our curiosity,
    We lose our generosity, avoiding interactions,
    And running away from commitments--
    Our promises, with terminally tragic velocity.

    Humanity forgotten, left behind,
    Like the young children we once were,
    The titles and words we use to describe each other,
    Friend, enemy, acquaintance, beloved, brother.
    Diced and divided we stand and fall,
    Together, one another, or not one at all.









    Critiques welcomed and encouraged!
    Last edited by benjaminallentx; 01-28-2016, 09:38 AM.

  • #2
    Hi Benjamin. Thanks for this thoughtful poem. Don't know what generation you fall in, but my sense is that the dividedness you speak of has grown over the years, and was not nearly so pronounced when I was young. There were, of course, contradictions.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you, John. I'm a nineties kid, myself. I've lived in at least a dozen different neighborhoods in my life and I would often times not even know my neighbors names. It's ridiculous. You see these people nearly every day and you don't know their names? It's kind of what inspired this poem in a way. It's the disconnect from those people we don't even know.
      But, I've also seen tornadoes hit neighborhoods, and then everyone will pitch in and help without knowing anyone. The "Together, one another, or not one at all." stanza is about this, in a way.
      Anyway. I'm happy to hear critiques.
      -Ben

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi Benjamin
        I agree thought provoking and so true.
        I especially loved the use of three words formations such as "The clacking of the clicking keyboards is crucial"
        "A separated segregated suitable hell."
        But so wanted this line
        "Our promises, with terminally tragic velocity."
        to end in "tenacity"
        just a thought

        but then really adored" Diced and divided we stand and fall,
        Together, one another, or not one at all."

        Well done great ending

        Comment


        • #5
          Thank you very much, Letsbfrank (speaking of which, I'll just call you Frank.)
          I've noticed as I've gotten older than I just adore alliteration. It's just about my favorite writing utensil. So the three word formations are definitely spinning off of that fact.

          Tenacity would be very good there actually. But I enjoy the bounce back from "Running away" to "Velocity".

          I'm so happy to hear your opinions and I'm very glad you enjoyed it.

          Comment


          • #6
            Do you two gentlemen think it covered the theme of community well enough?

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi Benjamin,
              Whilst your last question wasn't addressed to me, I would like to say that I think that this piece addresses community (and the challenges to it) perfectly.
              I loved walking my children to school when they were younger because people who walk then naturally talk, and they tend to chat about this and that, and what they say passes the time of the day; that unity brings community!
              Nowadays though, I only chat to my neighbour if we happen to leave the house to get into our cars at the same time and manage a quick conversation on the driveway which is dictated by time because we 'have to go now'! It's not that the community spirit isn't there but that the lifestyle has changed and the links that forge that community are lost. I love the way that you have recognised the little lifestyle changes that have created these individual 'prisons' within our own worlds: the transport, the working booths, the school testing environment etc, but then, as letsbfrank says, you have given it the perfect ending: you are right to say that, despite everything, when the chips are down, community rallies round. (I love your alliteration and interspersed rhyme too, very cleverly done. For me, as a rhyme and rhythm fan it adds something extra special to your words. ). Thanks for sharing your insight and expressing it with such an interesting, carefully thought out technique😀

              Comment


              • benjaminallentx
                benjaminallentx commented
                Editing a comment
                First of all, I'm so happy to hear you liked it. Second of all, I really love your insight.
                It's kind of sad that we live in a world where neighbors, people that live literally next door are not even our friends. What a bizzare idea, even! If you told someone that had no idea what neighborhoods were and you explained it, and mentioned that the people you live closest to, you never really even talk with! How weird! I love it and hate it.

            • #8
              I really enjoyed this poem and your word choice as well. I thought you very creatively pulled off the act of division and cubing quite well, grammatically speaking, by the institutional play on words like suitable. Fun to read.

              Comment


              • benjaminallentx
                benjaminallentx commented
                Editing a comment
                Thank you, very very much. The positivity on this site is wonderful! I've never really shared that much of my poetry before, and it's so nice to get feedback!
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