Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

​The Dream Dreaming Us

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • ​The Dream Dreaming Us

    The Dream Dreaming Us

    Visions of nirvana give hope to willing hearts-
    - dreams that global peace will one day be
    a part of our future
    feed our waking hours…
    so soft visions of what could be
    if only
    if only we
    unit as one global community…
    … one dream… one race of many… one heartbeat
    beating for this wondrous Earth… beating in time’s cadence
    to Natures natural rhythm …
    beating to the drum of freedom
    dancing to the pulse of the seasons
    embracing all … encompassing all…

    Visions of nirvana give hope to willing hearts
    - hearts that dream of togetherness and acceptance
    of soil and toil and the rejuvenation of both spirit and land…
    visualizations and revelations come to us, in day-bright image
    and dreaming soul… in Summer’s burgeoning heat and Winter’s cold
    this Earth has placed in our hands her trust
    I know… for this is the dream dreaming us…
    Sharon Lee Goodhand © 2016

  • #2
    Hi Sharonlee,

    I've enjoyed this ethereal vision of what we might strive toward within an all-encompassing global community. I will offer some suggestions for your consideration, to do with as you see best.

    Visions of nirvana give hope to willing hearts- —Nirvana, proper noun? I've always capitalized it, but could easily be wrong!
    - dreams that global peace will one day be —not sure of the purpose of the, ( - ) to start this line since the previous line ends with the same
    a part of our future
    feed our waking hours…
    so soft visions of what could be
    if only
    if only we
    unit as one global community…
    … one dream… one race of many… one heartbeat —all important points to consider. Important enough, that I'd be inclined to give each thought its own line.
    beating for this wondrous Earth… beating in time’s cadence
    to Natures natural rhythm …
    beating to the drum of freedom
    dancing to the pulse of the seasons
    embracing all … encompassing all…

    Visions of nirvana give hope to willing hearts
    - hearts that dream of togetherness and acceptance
    of soil and toil and the rejuvenation of both spirit and land…
    visualizations and revelations come to us, in day-bright image
    and dreaming soul… in Summer’s burgeoning heat and Winter’s cold
    this Earth has placed in our hands her trust
    I know… for this is the dream dreaming us…

    For greater flow between thoughts and lines, I'd consider a little different organization to this poem, along with a reworking of punctuation marking. Consider:

    Visions of nirvana give hope to willing hearts—

    (the) dream that global peace — the use of the dream rather than dreams here is to provide continuity with the repeated phrase of one dream which occurs a few lines down
    will one day be a part of our future

    feeding our waking hours
    so soft visions of what could be
    if only
    if only we
    unit as one global community

    one dream

    one race of many

    one heartbeat

    beating for this wondrous Earth
    beating in time’s cadence
    to Natures natural rhythm

    beating to the drum of freedom
    dancing to the pulse of the seasons
    embracing all
    encompassing all

    Visions of nirvana give hope to willing hearts—

    hearts that dream of togetherness
    and acceptance
    of soil
    and toil
    rejuvenation (for) both spirit and land

    visualizations and revelations come to us
    in day-bright image
    and dreaming soul

    in Summer’s burgeoning heat
    and Winter’s cold
    this Earth has placed in our hands her trust
    I know

    for this is the dream dreaming us

    Many lovely and lyrical lines throughout the poem, and (IMHO) a reworking of the poem's structure/organization would serve to enhance and showcase these lines. (Letting the lines open and breathe!)

    Warmest regards, and best wishes for this contest entry.

    Comment


    • #3
      I really liked the middle section with the repetition of "if only, one, beating" I could hear the drum beat in this. Very effective.

      Comment


      • #4
        Many thanks Piper and John .

        Piper thank you for the pointers, I appreciate the time you took to write these out.
        The style I write in is a personal choice, a poetic persona; most of my poetry is written this way. Not so much epic fantasy poetry, but everything else.

        Wishing you both a great day.

        Comment


        • #5
          I enjoyed the write, Sharonlee! I do hope that one day we all get along peacefully (not a one world government though ). Those last two lines really rocked me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by John Wertz View Post
            I really liked the middle section with the repetition of "if only, one, beating" I could hear the drum beat in this. Very effective.
            It's really amazing But...To be honest, I am very tired of dreaming about something and then suffering from the fact that it is impossible, so over time you begin to appreciate the feeling that you are in nirvana and even try to achieve it. I realized this quite late and after a lot of mistakes ... Everything became so bad that I started dreaming about it already in a dream. In the last time, I have very strange dreams. Recently, I even saw cats in a dream and decided to find out what that means, and to be honest, I was very surprised ... Many people expressed different opinions, but then I came across dreams-meaning.com and I was very surprised. It turned out that I was worried in vain and these dreams indicate that I am on the right track and a cute pet will be waiting for me soon in a warm house.!
            Last edited by TimPaige; 08-25-2020, 12:10 AM.

            Comment

            Working...
            X