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In Each Other's Shelter

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  • In Each Other's Shelter

    We people make our community
    Community's the shelter we live
    A slice of pie in society
    Consuming much less than we all give.
    Outsiders are not understanding
    Asks why we don't take superfluous
    Said, "Our community's longstanding
    Built of friendships structured like a truss!'
    I'd be happy for you to join me
    On a walk down our main, cobbled street
    There's some community family
    I would really love for you to meet.

    Susie serves at the local diner
    Where church members meet for Sunday brunch
    Quick-witted, her humor's no finer
    Then stitches we're in after the punch!
    Cross the cobble to the grocery
    Atop the register scan, Jill drags
    Vegetables, breads, fruits, drinks and poultry
    While Stan, the hunter, grins as he bags.
    Doctor Dover's our proctologist
    But, he prefers you just call him Ben
    Page, grey hair piled in a bun's twist,
    takes her turn as our librarian.

    You've met some of my community
    Each special in his or her own way
    We're stronger than a society
    Because, on each other, we don't prey!
    Comforting as Grandmother's soft quilt
    (Her tired hands had sown every stitch)
    Through hard work, our community's built.
    I'll never seek societal niche
    In some thieving, high-rise anomie!
    I'm saying in the affirmative,
    "This community is family
    In each other' shelter, we do live!





    Last edited by Dee Camper; 01-26-2016, 12:27 AM.

  • #2
    You captured nicely the cosy comfort and support a community can offer. Nicely penned.

    Comment


    • Dee Camper
      Dee Camper commented
      Editing a comment
      I appreciate your wonderful comment and thank you very much!

  • #3
    Overall, the poet has shared a carefully structured poem to geed effect. However, there are several lines being grammatically reversed in order to adhere to the rhyme scheme. This grammatical reversal can give the sense of rhymes being forced, rather than natural, and present a slight awkwardness to a line.

    e.g.
    We people make our community
    In each other's shelter we do live —here, the grammar is reversed and not natural to the way anyone typically speaks.
    A slice of pie in society —this line, and the one that follows, are wonderful, both in structure and in the visual image presented!
    Consuming much less than we give.

    vs

    We people make our community
    Community starts where we live —the same rhyme can be worked into the line in any number of ways, without forcing it through grammatical manipulations.
    A slice of pie in society
    Consuming much less than we give.

    The strength of the second stanza comes from the poet's skillful personalizing of character within this poetic community—giving people names and introducing them to the reader was really a great idea! Nicely done!

    Comforting as the quilt Grandma made —lovely visual image here in your third sanza
    (Her tired hands had sown every stitch)
    My community, I'll never trade —another grammatical reversal

    vs

    Comforting as Grandmother's quilt
    (Her tired hands had sown every stitch)
    Through hard work, our community's built.

    Overall poet, a very enjoyable read! The suggestions I have offered are, of course, only meant for your consideration. Do with them as you see fit.

    Warmest regards, and best of luck in the contest!

    Comment


    • Dee Camper
      Dee Camper commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you so very much, pipersfancy! You took a great deal of time and consideration with my write and I do agree with you. I was trying to make each line have the same amount of syllables which may be a mistake. A second reading of your first paragraph tells me that you saw what I was doing; I will make your suggested changes. Thank you! I'd love to read all you've entered, but I'm not sure how to use this forum except to search by title. Please share the titles of any entry you may have on here; Til then, I'll try to figure out how to, properly, use this forum.
      Last edited by Dee Camper; 01-25-2016, 11:36 PM.

  • #4
    I'm so glad you found my review to be of some help, Dee! Thank you for your kind reply. I've only recently figured out that 'clicking' on a person's name/image will take you to their profile. Then, if you 'click' the about button and scroll toward the bottom of the page, you'll find a list of links where you can 'click' on Find all topics started, and that way, check out all the poems a person has posted. Regarding my poems, I write in both freestyle and formal verse. My personal favourites would be, Murmurations (which is a freestyle) and Cheeri-ay! Cheeri-oh! (a rhymed piece with mixed meter and syllable count.) If you are more interested in rhyme and meter, then you could check the 3 poems I'm posted in the Share poetry and lyrics thread which I posted together under the subject heading, Remembering my dad who passed away in 1988. My sincere appreciation for expressing an interest in reading some of my work! I shall keep my eyes open for more of yours. My initial challenge (to myself!) was to read/review every poem posted for this year's contest. I was up to date as of yesterday afternoon, but I see that there's been a lot posted overnight, and I'm on my way out of town for the next couple of days with my work (i.e. the job that pays the bills!) So, I may have to let go the idea of reviewing EVERY poem on here... LOL! Cheers!

    Comment


    • Dee Camper
      Dee Camper commented
      Editing a comment
      You have been so very kind and helpful to me! I'm sorry to hear you're going out of town but understand the demands of a job and wish you a wonderful trip! I'l be 'seeing' you soon.....CHEERS!

  • #5
    Hi Dee, One definition of poetry is metrical writing, so I think counting syllables (if not stressed and unstressed) is is usually a pretty good idea. I especially liked the middle stanza. Lots of humor in the word proctologist alone.

    Comment


    • Dee Camper
      Dee Camper commented
      Editing a comment
      I do appreciate your reading and sharing your knowledge greatly, John! Thank you
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