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Final Farewell (Closure)

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  • Final Farewell (Closure)

    When all I saw was blood, time seemed to stop. My knees started to shake, I was about to drop. Your face was swollen, cracked in half; they said you can hear me, I threw up in the trash.
    I told you I love you, and knelt next to your bed. I prayed to God for answers, staring at your head.
    My mother, my Savior, my one true friend. I've forgiven your mistakes, now I'll never see you again.
    I started to wail with sorrow, there was no holding back. The doctor carried me out and told me to relax. How can I relax, when my whole life just shattered? My mother was dehumanized when they called her brain "grey matter."
    Those are our memories that you're scooping into a dish. My mother's past and part of her soul is gone, I could only stand transfixed. I was dazed, I could only stare. The scene before me was surreal, and I'll admit I was scared.
    They bagged up her "toxic waste," and threw it into a bin, my first dog and my eighth birthday, no one will speak of again. We will never laugh at our pictures, of ourselves and of our home. Our trips to the beach and our old times, I'll have to smile alone.
    The truck came, they strapped you down, they were taking you somewhere else. I kissed your cheek, tasted your blood, there's no describing how I felt. To this day I'll lick my lips, and taste that bitter copper. No matter how many years will come and pass, I'll believe I could've stopped her.
    No one knows she called me for help mere minutes before the bullet. That's the funny thing about guns and triggers, it doesn't take much to pull it. In a flash a life is lost, it ended with a bang. She may have lived, but left so much behind, she'll never be the same.
    Now she lays up in her bed, being fed through a tube. Watching her memory come and go, "The kids get out of school at two. "
    "Hello sweetheart, I love you, how was your first day of school?"
    "Oh you know, Mom, it was good. How was your day, what did you do?"
    Though she lays in bed all day she says, "I have gardening to do."
    I'm sad to say, my mother is gone, it is a painful truth. A part of me died with her that day, my heart was torn in two.
    And although my heart still beats, my blood still flows, and in the morning I wake, a part of me is stuck with her, on that fateful day.
    I could've saved her, I was so close, I didn't have the time. Her loneliness was impatient, she had lost her mind. All the times she pulled me out of holes I dug on my own, she nurtured me and comforted me. She always gave me a home.
    The one time she called me, reaching out, clearly in need, I was at the store, in town picking up groceries.
    "I'll call you right back, Mom. I can't talk right now, have you been drinking? "
    She says, "I think there's something wrong with me."
    What could she possibly be thinking?
    "OK, Mom, slow down now, is everything alright? The house you bought me is unlocked, you can spend the night."
    "It's OK Baby Girl, I'll be fine, don't you worry about me. I just wanted to hear your voice, and now I'll leave you be."
    "Mom, I love you. You're scaring me, I'm not liking your tone."
    Something about her was different that day on the phone.
    "I'm on my way, just hold tight, I'll be there very soon. Please don't do anything stupid, I'm really worried about you."
    "Please don't come over, not today. Now isn't the time."
    Something about this was real, I was trying not to cry. I stayed strong for my mom, for I knew she needed me. In the end I couldn't help her, and she was always saving me.
    These are things I carry, on my shoulders and in my head. The one person I had through everything, would rather be dead.
    I've never had anyone that was there for me quite the way she was. I laid my head in her lap, she played with my hair, and listened to the songs she sung.
    There were things about her that I really couldn't stand. Her drinking, yelling obnoxiousness. Always coming home with a different man. She was a beautiful woman, she truely wore it well. Behind her Jade green eyes, she was battling her own hell. Over the years, as I reflect, I see her in a different light. Despite all her misfortunes, I can't say she didn't try.
    While I slept at night, she was awake, at her graveyard job. She was slinging drinks and hashbrowns to those men at that truck stop.
    At my age, after what I've seen, just know I understand. I've felt your pain, made your mistakes, I want to hold your hand.
    After so many years pushing you away, I ended up alone. I made your mistakes, I lived your life, on my broken road.
    With my own children needing me the way I needed you, I hate to say it, but you taught me what I shouldn't do. Overall I hold your words, all your advice, safely in my heart. I listen to you every day, we're not that far apart.
    I love you, Mommy. I'm all grown up and I hope that you don't mind. I know I'm not a little girl anymore, but I had to call you that one more time.

  • #2
    This was the most in depth I've written about my mother's suicide attempt.
    I haven't entered anything into a contest since I was 11, I'm 22 now. Back then I ended up winning a place in the contest and was published into a poetry works. My mother was so proud, didn't stop talking about it for years. This is for her.
    R.I.P your gentle soul, I love you mommy.


    • #3
      Very powerful stuff. I can see how this is not just a poem about your mother's suicide attempt but also about how ultimately you have come to understand her. Since understanding is the topic for this contest that makes this a good choice for your entry.


      • #4
        I wanted to bring awareness to this life that many women choose. It's not for the faint of heart.

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