prisioner of war

[DepressingPoem]

my head explodeing in thoughts of fears
my heart the subject of weathering and hears
the slaying soud of tears falling down eternally
without a support slowly crumbleing internally
a lonesome night darker than the night sky alone
the man within the moon far away but always shown

fearful of the darkness and running from the light
scared as a bird used to being free incapable of flight
with the ending of the era of peace and the start of a war
stay layed on the stone broken bloody and wait to soar
wait for the sweet free release of death we all desire
lwhen I die at last as i go to hell I hear the choir
By: DepressedPoet

Please let me know how I cant get better

[Parkinsonspoet]

I don't know if you read your poetry aloud. I did with this one and it reads smoother than some of your previous ones.
Hope you don't mind if I tinker

my head explodes with thoughts of fears
my heart the subject to weather and hears
the slaying sound of tears falling down eternally
without a support slowly crumbles internally
a lonesome night darker than the night sky alone
the man within the moon far away but always shown

fearful of the darkness and running from the light
scared as a bird used to freedom incapable of flight
with the end of the era of peace and the start of a war
stay layed on the stone broken bloody and wait to soar
wait for the sweet free release of death we all desire
lwhen I die at last as i go to hell I hear the choir

There were a lot of words with ing and I think it works better without.
Somtimes it is good to leave a poem for a period and then come back and think of different word choices

[DepressingPoem]

Alot smoother and I'll look at alternatives for ing