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prisioner of war

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  • prisioner of war

    my head explodeing in thoughts of fears
    my heart the subject of weathering and hears
    the slaying soud of tears falling down eternally
    without a support slowly crumbleing internally
    a lonesome night darker than the night sky alone
    the man within the moon far away but always shown

    fearful of the darkness and running from the light
    scared as a bird used to being free incapable of flight
    with the ending of the era of peace and the start of a war
    stay layed on the stone broken bloody and wait to soar
    wait for the sweet free release of death we all desire
    lwhen I die at last as i go to hell I hear the choir
    By: DepressedPoet

    Please let me know how I cant get better

  • #2
    I don't know if you read your poetry aloud. I did with this one and it reads smoother than some of your previous ones.
    Hope you don't mind if I tinker

    my head explodes with thoughts of fears
    my heart the subject to weather and hears
    the slaying sound of tears falling down eternally
    without a support slowly crumbles internally
    a lonesome night darker than the night sky alone
    the man within the moon far away but always shown

    fearful of the darkness and running from the light
    scared as a bird used to freedom incapable of flight
    with the end of the era of peace and the start of a war
    stay layed on the stone broken bloody and wait to soar
    wait for the sweet free release of death we all desire
    lwhen I die at last as i go to hell I hear the choir

    There were a lot of words with ing and I think it works better without.
    Somtimes it is good to leave a poem for a period and then come back and think of different word choices

    Comment


    • #3
      Alot smoother and I'll look at alternatives for ing

      Comment

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