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The girl with blue eyes part 1

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  • The girl with blue eyes part 1



    September 7th 2010

    I remember how simple it was back then

    Just the punching kicking and name calling

    Now that pain i enjoy

    Now i don’t get annoyed

    My walls no longer destroyed

    I wish i had a polaroid

    To show me a fragment of my happy place

    To take me back to the past

    Where the depression didn’t last

    I only got casts

    Thats a big contrast

    To what's happening now

    I'm not paranoid

    I just got hit with an asteroid

    Of hate

    But it's my fate

    I wish i could dissipate

    They made jokes of me not being straight

    Up until i was eight

    I had no friends

    That came to an end

    When she came into my life

    I classify her as a true miracle

    At first i was quizzical

    I thought i was despicable

    I tried to be invisible

    I thought this story was fictional

    Her smile lit up my heart

    It began to start

    It no longer a spare part

    She sat beside me in class

    She blocked the sticks and stones

    Mended my broken bones

    She said none of us could do this alone

    Even if she got dethroned

    Our friendship was full blown

    Venturing off into the unknown

    But she could not block them all

    So i learned to stand tall

    I broke my fall

    Tears in sync with rainfall

    Pushed against the stone walls

    Picked last for baseball

    First of all, she picked me

    Not cause she did not have choices

    She judges how strong my voice is

    Lucky for me it is strong

    Even though i did not belong

    I made up songs

    To try and right the wrongs

    The depression only prolongs

    But this is a sad song

    The happiness is long gone

    Yet she says to hang on

    She is someone i can count on

    She says to let bygones to be bygones

    They can’t be things i dwell on

    Yet i stand out like a black swan

    She is the shoulder i cry on

    Now tears are dried out

    It's been a year long drought

    The only thing i can think about

    Is how she could walkout

    But i would not blame her

    With all the whispers

    Yet we are still together

    And together we will conquer our fears

    And shed no more tears

    I no longer want a glimpse into the past

    Cause she has given me a gift

    That's why we call it the present


  • #2
    Hi, I liked your poem and your unique voice. I thought it was a bit long and I'm reminded of the idea how Writers can edit ~30% of their stuff, if you feel like it. I thought it was beautiful, and a rescue, and yet a bit dragging with the emotional bits. It really picked up for me around the rhymes with "quizzical"...


    So i learned to stand tall
    I broke my fall

    This kind of combination of lines is sort of inexpressive of real meaning, so that's the sort of thing I'd edit out if I were to. Thanks for sharing this good poetry, melded with a real good story which shouldn't go untold!

    Comment


    • Breezy
      Breezy commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks for the advice. If this were a free write, I of course would have edited it a bunch, this poem was for a school project and it had to include a certain number of words, if you were to look at my other free writes, they are more concise and to the point.
      Last edited by Breezy; 12-11-2020, 10:50 AM.

    • BluerThanEver
      BluerThanEver commented
      Editing a comment
      Cool, I shall

  • #3
    It is long but still very enjoyable one thing you could do is use some comma's or break it into verses that would put pauses in it and possibly give it a better structure

    Comment

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