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Mary had a little lamb (not the song)

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  • Mary had a little lamb (not the song)

    M mask the feeling I don't belong
    A and that's the reason for this song
    R run and hide I can't escape
    Y yes its true they keep no shape

    H had to try to run or hide
    A asking questions I start to collide
    D daring to talk I ask why

    A a word just one I hear said quite shy

    L lying I say I know how to help
    I Into the dark it scares me as i yelp
    T trying to escape my fait
    T there nothing to do in my current state
    L life is a broken bitter sweet
    E empty as my story is complete

    L lost in thought as my eyes close
    A asking why i ever arose
    M maybe someday I'll be complete
    B bout time to hark to reality

  • #2
    please let me know how to improve

    Comment


    • #3
      As is, I think this shows creativity. You've taken a popular children's song and created an emotional, serious, adult-themed acrostic poem.

      Several poets in this forum, myself included, have played around with this format, but if I recall correctly, used different formatting as so:

      Mask the feeling I don't belong
      And that's the reason for this song
      Run and hide I can't escape
      Yes it's true they keep no shape

      They omitted the spaces and "hid" the acrostic (in a sense), seeing if the reader could determine it on his/her own, or from the title. Parkinsonspoet is good with this style, though I haven't seen him posting in awhile. Perhaps he'd like to give you additional feedback if he sees it?

      The only way I have ever known to improve on something is to learn about it and practice. So as long as you're reading, writing, and posting, improvements should definitely follow. Since I don't post as often as I used to, I do notice that the skills I thought I gained are a bit rusty...so I should probably take my own advice on that.

      Comment


      • DepressingPoem
        DepressingPoem commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you for the feedback I'll be sure to use it.

    • #4
      I scarcely feel comfortable offering advice on how you could improve, put I'll pass along a couple of things for you to use or disregard as you see fit to.

      I think you've already received the best advice: keep writing. In addition to this I would propose that you accept a couple of things. First, that some of what you write you'll just not like. Many times I'll love something I've come up with right up until the second I show it to someone else. Then, even if it receives kind praise, I'll still see only flaws and missed opportunities. Some of that scorn is undoubtedly deserved, some perhaps not. Either way I've grown comfortable with (or at least accustomed to) that feeling.

      The second thing you might to consider accepting is the possibility that others may be inspired by your writing. This is no small thing.

      I would guess that your writing helps you make some meaning out of your own infinite complexity of pain and pleasure. I sincerely hope so. The more you write and share, though, the more you may come to realize how many lost and weary travelers out there might find comfort and meaning of their own when they find familiar traces of their own pain and pleasure in your words. This sense of responsibility can drive you to be better.

      Someone once wrote that poems are immortal thoughts of mortal beings. Bringing life and truth to others by baring your own soul demands that you be, above all else, honest and brave.

      And have fun. The emotions you feel and describe may be of any kind and felt to any degree but will almost always, I humbly suggest, be accompanied by a state of enjoyment. So take us to your deepest, darkest places if you wish, not because they demand it but because you enjoy it.

      I don't know if any of this makes the least bit of sense or even constitutes advice. I apologize if I've wasted your time or given offense, and I ask forgiveness for the rambling, the length, and any inklings of pretension. If anyone out there wishes to amend, criticize, or propose the opposite of anything I've suggested, I welcome that without reserve. Perhaps together we can figure it out.

      Thanks for writing

      Comment


      • #5
        Spot on Poldy . Spot on.

        Comment


        • #6
          Hi. I'm very new to this forum. Enjoyed your use of this poetic idea. When I write I often remember the words of the poet Thomas Gray. He said, "poetry is thoughts that breathe, words that burn."
          Your poetry is words that burn and breathe for you. Enjoy the experience of letting them out.

          Comment


          • #7
            thank you both for the additional advise

            Comment


            • #8
              Hi. Got message. Something want talk about?

              Comment


              • #9
                You're welcome, DP. I also was thinking that one of the best ways to understand something is to explain it to someone else. Whether on here, to someone you know, or even to yourself, you might find some insight into your process and what you'd like to accomplish if you took some time to put into words the steps you've followed that have led to your most satisfying work. Just an idea.

                Comment


                • DepressingPoem
                  DepressingPoem commented
                  Editing a comment
                  I just have to say I can't help but laugh at the fact that you just called me one of my favorite sodas. And yes your advise makes sense thank you! Also how have you become so knowledgeable.
                  Last edited by DepressingPoem; 10-31-2020, 09:52 AM.

              • #10
                With apologies to my father, who taught me lots of good stuff like how to be quiet and listen when I didn't know what I was talking about and how to be stubborn when I did, almost any part of me that could be referred to as knowledgeable has come to be because of my mother.

                Mom was a librarian, and she began to pass on her love of reading to me before I was even born. I'm a slow reader (One book took me three years to get through!), but by taking my time I feel like I'm more likely to take away with me the best of what the writer has to offer. So if you sense any knowledge in me, you can thank my mom.

                Comment

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