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The Ballard of El Sid

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  • The Ballard of El Sid

    The Ballard of El Sid

    In the days of yore
    When the rich ruled the poor
    And a barrel of beer cost a quid
    When knights were bold
    There was one, so I’m told
    Who went by the name of El Sid
    Now old Sid I fear
    Was deaf in one ear
    Bow-legged and badly short sighted
    Though he could do with a shave
    He was noble and brave
    That was clear on the day he was knighted
    King Arthur’s daughter Turpytine
    A virgin still at thirty nine
    So desperate for a sexy swain
    She ditched the lonely waiting game
    Behind a pretty mask and wimple
    She hid her spots, and purple pimples
    Just before the midnight hour
    Beneath a rosy scented bower
    Sid’s fate was sealed with a gooey kiss
    As they groped and hugged in feely bliss
    The night was dark, he couldn’t see
    He pledged his troth on bended knee
    Next night at the ball in the baronial hall
    After the dance they started to call
    For a new young a minstrel called Elvis
    With flexible thighs and a gyrating pelvis
    The audience shouted, hurrahs, and hoorays
    Cos his the size of codpiece was worthy of praise
    He plucked at his lute
    Played with his flute
    Waggled his hips and his knees
    This dude really rocked
    The maidens were shocked,
    And begged for their chastity belt keys
    With her bosom heaving and threatening to bust
    Turpy drooled with passion and lust
    Then collapsed on the floor in a fit of the vapours
    Stunned at the sight of these erotic capers
    This drove poor Sid to the depths of despair
    To see his true love a’ lying there
    “You posturing knave
    with my sword I’ll engrave
    That fair maidens name on your rear”
    “You’ve got it all wrong
    I just sing the songs”
    Squealed Elvis, quite shaking with fear

    Then up jumped the king
    In order to bring
    Some decorum to the proceedings
    “Tomorrow at dawn in the lists on the lawn
    You will joust for this daughter of mine
    With sword and lance fight for the chance
    For the hand of my darling Turpytine
    Now Turpy was naive and exceedingly simple
    She discarded her mask and her covering wimple
    And waving to the congregation
    Settled down in expectation

    Sid blinked and gulped “I’m not wedding that,
    She’s warty, pimply, worn out and fat”
    Elvis of course shared Sid’s opinion
    Marriage to Turpy cast his mind to oblivion
    As a fight it was poor and lacking in style
    The blows and the thrusts all missed by a mile
    Sid threw down his helmet, his sword and his shield
    Cunningly gasping “I’m knackered, I yield
    “You scum, you rascal, you scoundrel, you knave”
    Said Arthur “Come, come, that’s no way to behave
    Here is the prize you have so nobly won
    The hand of my daughter, can I call you son?
    Turpy lifted her skirts and ran to the alter
    Elvis was dragged there ensnared by a halter
    And so dear friends to the honeymoon suite
    The bride so excited you could hear her heart beat
    She stood there demure, scratching her belly
    Elvis in terror, his legs turned to jelly
    “Oh darling, my loved one I’ve waited so long
    But before you take me
    Sing us a song”

  • #2
    well put together piece thank you for sharing, it had a very familiar tone to it! good ending, too. peace!


    • #3
      Clean but irreverent! I like it.