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  • Ships

    It's not as simple as a lie
    There's a knowing - you and I

    Sitting on your knee
    Taught so many things to me
    What could and couldn't be

  • #2
    I like this piece

    I would read it as Child and Parent
    or perhaps Grandparent
    Syllabically the lines read 8,7,5,7,6
    easier flow of 8,7,7,7,7 could be
    obtained by adding "cuddled" to line 3 and "just" to line 5

    It's not as simple as a lie
    There's a knowing - you and I

    Sitting cuddled on your knee
    Taught so many things to me
    Just what could and couldn't be

    Comment


    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      I agree with the idea of a flow change, though I hate adding "just" when it only fills a beat count. Maybe "of what could and couldn't be"?

  • #3
    Nice one, Eslin! I read it at first like Johntee did. But then the song "Lola" by The Kinks popped into my head and gave it a different meaning. Enjoyable either way.

    Comment


    • Johntee
      Johntee commented
      Editing a comment
      A nice "knowing" alternative and of rather than just suits better too

  • #4
    Sweet bit of reminiscing, I'd wager. Nice.

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    • #5
      Love the simple poems that run so deep and make me think.

      Comment


      • #6
        Johntee Thanks for the suggestion.

        The poem could be read with nostalgia for a relationship. I wrote it about the tension felt with an older mentor and our current divergent values. The difficult to be your own hero and set the boards of behavior you'll accept. But it must be done.

        Regarding the suggestions - I wouldn't use cuddling because its too warm for my tastes. But it would help flow. The word "just" doesn't appeal to me because it implies an "only" or that something is simple. Neither apply for me. Maybe something like "oh" - or "of".
        It is set to music so the rhythm isn't as disjointed in performance.

        Thanks again for reading and commenting! It helps make sure I'm not b.s-ing myself

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