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Solstice greetings

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  • Solstice greetings

    Solstice greetings

    This is the time of the year again
    Where the birth of sweet summer reigns
    In the beautiful swiftly moving waters
    Where everything around just shimmers

    Sun swung around above our head
    Wondering if nightfall will ever shed
    White petals strew over sweet summer greenness
    Hauling us out from all the spring darkness

    Disappearing glowing orb in the nightly sky
    Meanwhile twilight heaves euphoric sigh
    Longing for an everlasting day
    Wishing only if you could ever stay
    Last edited by jede; 06-21-2019, 08:06 AM.

  • #2
    O i like this, idyllic, and then a longing sigh at the end -- I've been there, in these feelings! So I enjoyed this, a reminder to me how intimately poetry and the seasons/nature are connected.
    I have one suggestion, I am not sure what you think about it but I was sort of tripped up at the first stanza's last line -- "shimmers" to my ear doesn't quite ring with "water" as a rhyme, while the others do match up quite well to a scheme. Then I thought, just add an "s" to make 'water' plural, and rhyme as well.
    Although I see how to another dialect, accent, etc, it would perhaps fit better. Just a suggestion, from my ear to yours
    Thanks for sharing and
    Peace!

    Comment


    • jede
      jede commented
      Editing a comment
      Hi amenOra!
      Thanks for your feedback. This was my first attempt after not writing for a while. So I do appreciate the comment. I think you're right as well regarding that stanza. I wasn't sure it matched up. That's why I appreciate this forum, all for the feedback
      Thanks again.
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