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Lucid Dreamer Lament

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  • Lucid Dreamer Lament

    He'd awaken at the break of dawn
    Fingers scratching at the Sand Man's tapestry,
    Analyze rapid-eye movement memories with scorn
    Deams slip from his grip as he gains one on reality.

    See how quick the panick hits-
    - A life adorned with calamity and born into savagery
    The sandman's majesty's his last release
    He pulls structure from the formless as he crafts the streets
    Cityscapes both forlorne and flawless
    Interjected by crystaline parks and trees, effervescent
    Or petty efforts of his escape, impressions of past and present.

    Sure footed he passes the place where he placed the keep
    To lock in nightmares that used to forsake his dreams
    Omnisprescent, nothing can stop him but the wake from sleep
    Not so pleasent what the day doth greet, cold extremeties and frozen feet
    No remedies when you haven't paid for heat
    Paid for bills, he knows its real because the pain he feels.

    He spent too long in worlds self concucted,
    Tried to better himself but his health corrupted
    Fettered himself and got sucked in
    To the slumber pit of his own construction
    Meets waking light with deep sown reluctance
    Cos in his mind he got a throne abundance,
    Creator of worlds, and he only runs them.

    So when the night's gone, replaced by a bright Sun, he feels life is long.
    If the end of the tunnel is life's only guarentee, he takes a razor to his writs, just to get straight back to sleep.
    Last edited by RustedQuill; 05-29-2019, 11:50 AM.

  • #2
    Hi there, welcome. I was so drawn to this from the get go. And I really enjoyed your poem and related so much. From the beautiful construction of phrasing, the sound, pauses and rhymes, it all worked very well ... until the end. Certainly I was "feeling" it, it was like the "volte" at the end, to sum things up, really fell flat for me. That last line disturbs me... Simply because I know there's more to it. It's telling us, not showing us.

    From the title which drew me in, to the rhythmic rocking passion of your flow which made me believe you meant it... I could relate with these ideas a lot. Beautiful images, with that distinct edge. I also appreciated the word choices, the crisp diction, how you used words like "fettered", "effervescent", "crystalline".

    I think you have a lot of talent to work with, and I find it's best to hone with passion, and with temperance and self knowledge... the truth is, that ending is no solution. Wouldn't it be a good challenge to see what might more artfully express the idea, O, how we've all felt lost, but we know how and why we continue on... Or we attempt to figure that out for ourselves 'why' we feel we can't.

    Thanks for sharing, RustedQuill. That fiery spirit o yours can go a long way towards bringing warmth, love, beauty... I feel it. Peace
    Last edited by amenOra; 05-29-2019, 03:07 AM.

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    • #3
      Hi amenOra, thank you for such a detailed and well thought out response and constructive criticism, it is really apprecaited. This is the first time I've ever shared my writings, so it means alot. The truth is I struggle with endings. These words had been gathering dust in an email draft for years, and I most likely slapped an ending on it to gain a sense of closure, but it is one I've never been super content with. I'll have a think and see where I can take it, although I do enjoy being a negative nancy, not sure I could have an uplifting ending, but could definatly have something "more artfully express the idea"

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      • amenOra
        amenOra commented
        Editing a comment
        I look forward to checking more stuff of yours out... take care
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