Poem/song late night

[Romantikated]

Made this one on a spur of the moment... felt sad about a recent breakup and needed to express it in some way so I wrote a song/poem........

"
"
22 when I met you
In your leather jacket
And Gucci wallet
So serious, Talked about yourself a lot
Should I have taken that shot
Still remember the night
You might be my love

Were you gonna, were you gonna be my love
Were you gonna, were you gonna be my love

Falling deeper in love one night
Kissing you, Felt dynamite
Taste like cigarettes, I liked
This song played all night
So high, your arms around me so tight
Laid there thinkin'

Are you gonna, are you gonna be my love
Are you gonna, are you gonna be my love


Now I'm laying here tonight
4:41 in the morning
Tossing and turning
thinkin bout you, after all we've done
Still hurts, ain't no fun
you're in my past
we couldnt make it last
I was yours and you were mine
Already been a while
And One day I'll be fine
But I'm still crying tonight
Cause

you were gonna, you were gonna be my one
"
"


I'm not an expert at all but what do you guys think

[Bobby Del Boy]

I like it a lot! If you have music written, post a link here. What is an expert? You did great. We’re all not experts but we all are relevant. Shoot for relevance and don’t worry about expert. Keep writing!

[amenOra]

Oh wow, I loved it-- I was floored reading it, when you said "laid there thinkin'"... you really sung thru the ethers; I could hear it all so clearly!

However, I would say that the poem ended on a "flat" note. Whereas usually a poem's end should conclude, like a bang. This seems inconclusive, I feel as if there is something more to it! As if it begs the question "Why"... what happened?

I loved the descriptions, and the little references which spruced it up. "4:41 in the morning" in particular made me smile, fond remembrances you brought me to!

So I know what happened to make you enjoy it, and cry about it... but what happened that it didn't stay? That's the stuff of poetry, right? Thanks for sharing.

[Romantikated]

Oh wow, I loved it-- I was floored reading it, when you said "laid there thinkin'"... you really sung thru the ethers; I could hear it all so clearly!

However, I would say that the poem ended on a "flat" note. Whereas usually a poem's end should conclude, like a bang. This seems inconclusive, I feel as if there is something more to it! As if it begs the question "Why"... what happened?

I loved the descriptions, and the little references which spruced it up. "4:41 in the morning" in particular made me smile, fond remembrances you brought me to!

So I know what happened to make you enjoy it, and cry about it... but what happened that it didn't stay? That's the stuff of poetry, right? Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for your feedback!

I guess I left it in that note, because I still felt confused myself even after the breakup. In that moment I felt all the good things and remembered all the good memories, but after the breakup it's almost like confusion to me as well. Why? What really went wrong? I know what we did and said to each other was horrible, which is a huge factor in the breakup.... but there was still that part of me asking the universe why it couldnt stick... it couldnt last.

I guess if that makes any sense, that's my reason... Haha.

Thanks again for your feedback

[amenOra]

I think you could explore this further aspect in other poetry, and it could glean some interesting things, able to help you "grow" as writer/person. Thanks again for sharing.

[Namyh]

Romantikated - We can be sad because of Love's breakup but in time we will feel happy that Love happened. Human beings!...Unpredictable when it comes to the heart! Thanks for sharing R. Namyh

[RhymeLovingWriter]

You captured the emotions well. Keep writing. And welcome to the Zone!

[tigerman]

I like it the way you wrote it. There's a mystery there. The "What" is there; the "Why" isn't, but doesn't need to be for me. In my career I've seen enough of these situations to know some of the endings. They were not good. Only a very few had a redemptive ending. Thanks for the work. Keep going!