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Where I have been

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  • Where I have been

    I look at who I used to believe I was,
    searching the streets for someone--
    going into the same colored houses,
    calling them by the same names,--
    the people I spent so much time
    and what I felt was love worrying over.
    I cared what they thought, and said,
    and it was used against me.
    there was such a disconnect between
    what I sought to feel, and what I felt.
    I usually convinced myself it was okay,
    the solace that another day came
    and I was able to find that place.
    it was mostly full of drugs, and lies,
    though I always looked for the truth
    whether from their stories or actions.
    I loved these people who've fallen.
    I fell along side them, and watched
    the separation of both of us. I kept
    silent as they tried to find my eyes,
    not many of them looking behind.
    I thought I fit in with a group,
    there was always my spot, I belonged.
    I'm much different now, I found God
    lodged inside my every thought,
    and love to bask in this warmth.
    I started to shed the skin keeping me
    inside the places they expected.
    I began to turn beyond that choice,
    into something I could live with,
    into my loving self again. And now,
    all I am left with are choices,
    thoughts on what has passed.
    Seeing clearly what I've done,
    I am not sure at all what they did.
    What could any of it mean to them?
    They are still running away.
    There is such lack of concern,
    Of self-esteem, and humanity.
    There is lack of decency, and love,
    The ability to tell the truth.
    To not be used by a drug, or a fiend.
    There is such a lack of content,
    Injected where you'd expect a friend.
    Hate and pain didn't make it in,
    And yet that's why my thoughts shut
    When I chose to take that route.
    It was my happy place, I'd find
    Was dwindling quickly; so were they.
    The hapless circumstances bred
    Distaste beneath our very tongues,
    And we wished just to get away
    From the harsh accusing sun.
    We paid so much, so much for fun,
    A fun that didn't last 2 mornings.
    It dissolved like so many chemicals
    Going down the drain, like hopes.
    Dissolving with our blank face.
    It hissed when you tried to touch it,
    It became so absurd it forgot
    What exactly a real person was;
    It became so guarded from the Real
    That it was hurt by its own "laws".
    It ate me with its darkest jaws,
    As I watched the people take it on.
    Addicting themselves, the group,
    The friends who had nothing else.
    I watched it move into body bags,
    From the still point of a needle-hole.
    I watched the teeth blacken,
    And the excuses so whitened,
    I watched the pitiful belief give in
    And lose all moral fortitude.
    All for another burning second
    In the cold without her breath.
    All for a wasted broken minute
    In the arms of their divorce.
    I couldn't keep up with the stories,
    The lies shielded them from me.
    I had my own tales to tell about
    "Why" I came, what I needed,
    What I was willing to do, to give.
    I still have friends, I have love.
    I won't sell myself short in search
    Of something they think they found.
    As the lies they tell pile up,
    As I learn to forgive myself
    For disconnecting from them.
    For seeing them point their weapons,
    Their fiendish smiles, the potions,
    From seeing how dead they've become
    With only the inkling to force
    An inclination of my caring face
    Into the regions I'm downcasted in;
    They would make someone lost
    With the direction they lacked.
    They would never tire of the pain
    If only it meant they'd gain
    One more chance to have won--
    And all, and all-- for all that
    Meagre amount of what became,
    Of nights in the dark alone,--
    And all the silence intruding
    As it's easier to act the victim.
    As I have to clean up the crime.
    As I'm the one implcated in feeling,
    Whether it's hate, or apathy,
    Or a longing to be free
    That burns with such jealousy
    Of their tired forms trying,
    Trying. An excuse to get lost.
    A bruise on my thoughts.
    I have watched the threadbare
    Become all so loosened,
    And the fabric has torn
    Of what I used to be, and what I am.
    I am not sure 'how', but I change,
    And I've changed so much,
    I can barely believe how much
    ...And I can see these things
    How people look at me, or not,
    I can see the discomfort
    I naturally attribute to my following Jesus
    Because there's something in me
    No one will ever see,
    That freedom that doesn't exist here.
    It... is it the ultimate tragedy?
    My choices are solely mine,
    And that is what exists behind my eyes.
    A possibility of redemption,
    Of saving this soul of mine,
    And even while they would pull me down
    And war for their own wrongs,
    I still carry myself on these streets
    With all of my dignity intact,
    And the love which sustains,
    And the light I kindle with the sun.
    I am still able to say, I saw them,
    I saw them as they were, and fine,
    I was different--no grudge there--
    both of us already knew this.
    Both of us knew the difference,
    And still I saw more than them.
    They decided to run from silence,
    While I could understand it.
    I craved the quick fix, with them,
    And yet I knew life to have a meaning.
    They fell into a pattern of abuse,
    And used each other until they finished.
    And now there's nothing left;
    They're scattered around in the wind,
    In the thin air of my thinning regard.
    And I wish to be free of them all.
    The childish, dead-end games
    Where no one ever admitted "it's no fun".
    Everyone followed a black hole,
    And they made excuses for the lost,
    Which are always found by Jesus Christ.
    They made excuses to hide themselves,
    And point the fingers right at me, at us.
    We'd even believe we were bad!
    We'd even believe they were good!
    All while they just moved thru!
    All while they just didn't see!
    None of you ever made it, but I did,
    And I am here, where I've always been.
    I've watched the world separate,
    One by one, into the various people.
    And watched them all wear down,
    As excuses for what we all lost
    Trying to get together again?
    I turned my back upon them all,
    And I decided what I'd do
    Mattered much more than their wills.
    Legion, branded on their lips;
    Liars, I am so convinced.
    They made themselves untouchable,
    Beyond the caring grip
    Of those who loved them so,
    And barred the way to themself.
    So now the wind guides them,
    And they're more than lost--
    Because I have found God, and this,
    I am changed, separate,
    And yet they can still hurt me,
    And I am still always affected.
    I spent so much time
    Imagining the care that was there,
    Trying to ignore the nag
    Of sensation that it's insincere.
    I've watched them scattered.
    I do not care where; I've always known.
    They expect me to go with them,
    And I've decided not to--
    I've finally found my way through.
    Out from where they took me.
    I watch them slowly die, in pain,
    Never knowing a lessening,
    Nor through themselves giving,
    Nor through another's bestowal.
    And they can choose that sleep,
    And the undercover abuse,
    And I will be here still,
    Doing what I've always done.
    Not convinced, one bit, by the wrong.
    Not changed into that ugly thing.
    Able to love with all my heart.
    Able to share my little blessing.
    And it stands an infinite flame,
    Burning and enduring forever, paradise.
    Last edited by amenOra; 04-30-2019, 05:56 PM.

  • #2
    amenOra what a shame! You poured your heart out and it’s taken days for anyone to acknowledge your open hearted travels through life. Anyway, I committed to reading every word and I want to sincerely thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story with us. Sounds like you had to walk through the fire to dance in the rain. Happy you are in a grateful place now. Peace be with you as you travel on and share your story.


    • amenOra
      amenOra commented
      Editing a comment
      thankya, Bobby. Certainly I am learning to be grateful for life, more than ever, and I am glad I could reach you, that you were touched by these words. Yeah, it's a "hot" emotional piece. I've walked thru my life, met good people, shared, chose to keep going. Thank YOU for coming by, hope you are well.

      Dancing in the rain, indeed. Love it

  • #3
    Once again, a poem comes 'round I missed in mourning, because of SPAM. While I do not appreciate that type of prod, I'm very grateful to read this wandering courageous through a different kind of valley. Kudos!


    • #4
      I am perplexed that I missed this but it read like a revelation and I salute you. We all found our own path through life and everyone takes wrong turns but you seem to have found answers that bring you peace. This made me smile thank you for sharing.