The Maiden I Can't Reach

[Michaelsummitt]

Someone please tell me
What this is I'm feeling
It's an aching, a breaking, a sinking feeling
In my veins it flows
Am I love sick, or am I just falling in love
So tell me why am I so lonely
Why can't I find love
And not fall so far down
I see your smile
And feel joy that you are happy
But when I'm alone
My minds gears won't turn no more
This life without you just will not do
So I look forward into the lonely abyss
I look to you for a clue
On how I, one day can find a love
That will be easy to be loved by

[amenOra]

nice, romantic, pensive. i like the rhythm of it, and I'm not sure if it's just my ear, but it was a bit too much telling, and not showing me how it felt at at about the turning point of "But when I'm alone". do you see what i mean how the plain phrase of 'i can't think no more' could be colored with more expressive language? thanks for sharing, hope you continue to. take care

[Michaelsummitt]

Thanks for the advice, how do you think it sounds now?

[amenOra]

Hey Michaelsummitt -- I apologize for not responding sooner, I really like your poem's flow, and enjoyed it much more this time after the changes you made. "Lonely abyss" was a phrase that really connected with me... and you have a voice, poetic, which is really sweet flowing, it's nice to read/see/listen/hear. lol. In the end I think "someone" telling you isn't so much as when you write it down with poetry. What it is you're feeling. That's one thing, among them all lol , that I enjoy about poetry: There's no wrong side, or way, as long as you're comfortable in your expression. Thanks for sharing with us... Would love to read more as well... Peace and Kudos!