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Ravenous Dreams

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  • Ravenous Dreams

    As I noted in my profile, I'm no poet. My girlfriend, before she was my girlfriend, asked me to write her a poem.
    Turns out I liked it, so this was my fifth sonnet to her, and also the least personal-detail revealing, so I thought it would be a good pick to share.



    Tell me what you dream, tell me what you seek,
    ears wide open, let's open the next leaf.
    I know nervousness bounds, but have no grief,
    I'm here for you, not to appear I'm weak.

    Never hold it back, I will not critique.
    With each breath you take, I feel the relief.
    Your future is good, that is my belief.
    Wistful but strong, you really are unique.

    But that is all abreast to your protest,
    I expect not for you to understand.
    Your defense is self-sacrificial.
    I wait, aim to be beneficial,
    keenly aware that none of this was planned.
    I deny not, I want it official.



    Thank you for reading.

  • #2
    sweet true and from the heart. you won me over. I accept lol. nice poetry.

    Comment


    • Dag
      Dag commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you! I really appreciate the warm sentiment.
      Winning you over, in particular, gave me a warm feeling. =P

  • #3
    Hi, Dag. Welcome! So I enjoyed your poem and it's been a long time (for me) I feel like since I began to take an interest in writing; I think this is a really good poem, complete with a rhyme scheme (and form!) which conveyed some of the lofty ideals of love.
    I am fond of saying this, you might hear it other places, might not: In writing, there's a common downfall to get into "telling", rather than showing (An example would be "you really are unique" which is a bit plain when we could explore different connotations or expressions of the same idea: How unique, or why unique? Is the difference. I want to Experience what you mean). But yes, Seems she's your muse, and now poetry comes from that same place. Thanks for sharing this with us.
    And peace.

    Comment


    • Dag
      Dag commented
      Editing a comment
      I started sweating profusely when I got to 'the lofty ideals of love'; in a good way. =P
      Thank you for the welcome, and moreover an experienced lesson in writing.
      I'll take your information to heart and try to use it to better my writing in the future. =)

  • #4
    Sonnets are a difficult form in my experience, though some in the zone seemed to have mastered it.

    I like that this is written in contemporary style/language, and can also appreciate what amenOra is saying in his comments - I'm prone to 'telling' in my work too.

    Glad you got the girl - and even happier you're posting here - welcome to the Zone!

    Comment


    • Dag
      Dag commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you for the kind response - mastery is a difficult thing, and I openly express that I do not know what I'm doing. =P
      She is certainly special & thank you for the warm welcome.

  • #5
    Hello Dag, The serenity of it makes it a fine sonnet. The odd hiccup here and there but on the whole, you have it in you. The sonnet, not an easy horse to put a saddle on, especially a sidesaddle when writing about a lady - so, well done. Was it because of this poem she became your girlfriend? Awful nosey, aren't I. Happiness to ye both, Tony.

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    • Dag
      Dag commented
      Editing a comment
      The serenity you mention is recognized by that of her own words and was something she could feel of me before I wrote for her.
      Do not be concerned about nosiness, I do not mind sharing. Her fall began before the poems but helped her reach the bottom more quickly upon reading them.
      Thankfully she is no poet, so the odd hiccups aren't really caught on to; comparable to someone performing a concerto that the listener has never heard.
      You can make a mistake and create a recovery, none the wiser to the audience.
      Oh, and of course, thank you for your kind words.

  • #6
    Ah, a lovely poem expressing your feelings. Written from the heart, where what matters is what your audience feels upon hearing it. And to choose a sonnet and write it so winningly. Well done, Dag!

    Comment


    • #7
      Dag - This was honest and sweet. Most times, we men don't have to strive to be a superhero. The right woman will pull the superhero right out of us. Hallelujah! Much enjoyed your work Dag. Namyh
      Last edited by Namyh; 10-26-2018, 06:39 PM.

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