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  • Black spot

    Nothing and one, the maker’s germ,
    heart and breath relearn with every brink.
    The seconds - jutting to terms, out and standstill -
    drop in headlong rites of number and limbs -

    down that slope and heading west
    you can’t help speeding, you can’t;
    it’s where the wind picks up;
    it must be the way that she-oak fell
    across the road that time - just a whip in the air

    - and the mordant stars above the ridge
    predicted this windshield scatter, another spill;
    perhaps, on the slick of dew and oil
    in the morning, a lapse that answered a ringtone
    wrapped this life in an instant of war,
    wrenched the spun machine to a lunge of spears.

    there’s a piece of toy they missed
    in the clean-up; must have had kids

    In the held breath of the day, in hearts
    deferred in uniforms and flat reports,
    in the silently turning emergency lights,
    a trail of human is found its name.




  • #2
    A white cross by the road, dear crossing? A reminder of another's bad day,

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      No cross this time; the actual wreck, still in situ. The occupant was killed.

  • #3
    There are descriptions, but they don't "make" the piece, for me, meaning that I felt much more of the "suspense" or mood you set, the narration, passages, italics all set up for what is, to me, memorable and I don't quite know how to describe it, but it felt like watching a gripping movie, and inferring from this piece which doesn't really introduce a "character" but sets up elements which make me feel as if I'm walking past a crime scene, you know, and curious about what 'evidence' there is.
    Some things I enjoyed were the musical qualities to it, and yes this one seems modern and the Title is a nice add to that je ne sais quoi which gave this "depth" while balancing not saying too much, I suppose.
    The end felt like a definite conclusion, like a pan out of the camera, and I enjoy this for those sorts of things!
    Last edited by amenOra; 09-13-2018, 07:37 AM.

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Everything you've written here leads me to think that I may be communicating effectively in the medium. Your insightful analysis is a joy to read. Many thanks, amenOra!

  • #4
    I will never look at an oil stain in the middle road in the same way ever again! Lol! Interesting piece . . . nice buildup of suspense!

    This part is brilliant:

    "In the held breath of the day, in hearts
    deferred in uniforms and flat reports,
    in the silently turning emergency lights,
    a trail of human is found its name."

    Well done grant hayes!

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Rhymeboy! That part you like makes the rest work.

  • #5
    Roadway assailed
    by signs of mortality;
    the out-placed toy
    brief joy curtailed

    Comment


    • #6
      I liked best the italicized 'dialogue' (internalized or actual I couldn't say) which set the reflection clearly against description. To notice, to reflect, to relay - it is what writers do...what poets do...and what you do well.

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        The italicisation to mark another voice is a device I've used before, and will use again, Rhymist. I feel that the mingling of my typical diction and the vernacular fragments humanises and 'grounds' the former.

    • #7
      In the wake of the aftermath of a storm or war is how this hit me. It hits hard Grant - the toy that was left behind.

      Comment


      • #8
        ^ It's that sort of detail, the noticing of the charged fragment, that cracks the piece open, Alexandra. I sometimes think that my writings are not so much 'poems' as 'hauntings'.

        Comment


        • #9
          Haunting indeed! There's different ways to turn this one. Nothing and one. Maker's germ. Then it's a cigarette in a silent movie. High artistry😁

          Comment


          • #10
            ^ Hi lunar glide. I like to enable a variety of approaches; glad you turned through some. I find that the best way to effect that is simply to relate what I see, and what it suggests, as succinctly as possible, with music. Results vary, but at times a wyrd vitality emerges.

            Comment

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