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  • Daily Odyssey

    Daily Odyssey

    In an eternal ride
    I dive deeper into the mind.
    And possibilities
    Unwind.
    With just a small amount of time
    New reality unveils.
    Proclaiming myself to sublime
    My battle prevails.
    In this euphoric state
    I'm adrift into my own realm;
    Of a world to conquer, and overwhelm.
    Until I hear this voice that shouts:
    Mister, to your last stop.
    So please be out!
    Last edited by jede; 09-09-2018, 08:03 PM.

  • #2
    So the punctuation sort of sets the flow up, yeah... the rhymes keep it together. One thing, "Contemplating..." that line, it reads awkward, a more simple approach to what you meant. You overwhelm the world, or the world overwhelms you, see the syntax could be confusing. But I did get the message.
    Ending rings true! Like a broken reverie, or something. Yes, "odyssey" for sure.
    I think you write well, and overall you have a familiar message and yet your own distinct voice in your poems I've read so far. Thankya for sharing, jede. It was a pleasure.

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    • amenOra
      amenOra commented
      Editing a comment
      ps, might it work better to remove the unnecessary article (always check--and trim the fat, a good motto.) This would also make the rhyme work more 'perfectly': Minus the "that" in the second to last line, as well as making the plural into a singular form of shouts, so that it reads "Until I hear this voice shout."

    • jede
      jede commented
      Editing a comment
      Hey!
      Always love your feedback.
      You are right about the "Contemplating... line" I was a bit hesitant about it. Gonna try to fix that. Again I appreciate your comment

  • #3
    I just saw your second comment. That sounds great! I will work on that. Thanks!! amenOra

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