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  • Birthday Greetings


    Birthday Greetings




    Husband sleeps.

    Wish I slept too.

    Mind plays thoughts

    which hammer home,

    in waking tone.


    Today would have been

    father’s birthday

    if

    he were not gone to grave.

    Mother’s too

    will follow soon,

    but

    she no longer candle-counts.


    I tell myself,

    (reminding me)

    that others do.


    Must not forget

    to wish them well...

    family friend,

    one grandson...

    two...

    who else

    will heart recall?


    When all I

    wish to do

    is sleep?
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 09-09-2018, 11:38 AM.

  • #2
    beautiful

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you. It turned out to be a shorter night than I'd planned though, poetry keeping me awake.

  • #3
    Small hours
    evading sleep
    memory seeps
    anniversaries,
    regarded cares.
    Last edited by Johntee; 09-08-2018, 05:23 AM.

    Comment


  • #4
    Great piece RLW!

    Short story:

    I couldn't sleep at first. Usually I never sleep. But when I finally slept I dreamt of my granpa and granma. And all the rest of the family. And guess what... it's my granma's anniversary since she passed away. And one of my aunt's birthday. My granma passed away the day of my aunt's birthday. So I called her to wish her well, yesterday. Fascinating how I dreamt of them all.

    So yeah I love this piece. Thanks for sharing!!
    Be well!

    Greetings from Canada

    Comment


    • #5
      I thought this was a nice poem, and I definitely feel for ya! Towards the middle I think for me ... to plainly state it ... the "as well" is sort of, hangey? It doesn't ring true; and I thought about it, neither does the word "either", if you get my meaning. At that point i get unsure what the (reminding) is -- but now I notice is it referring to "reminding myself" I get it!
      Those were crits on the "flow" overall. I enjoyed this and think the message/pathos was soundly expressed, just some suggestions!

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Thanks amenOra for taking time to read and comment. I hear what you are saying with the 'as well' - but left it because it carries the rhyme into the next line, 'I tell'. It tied my parents' deaths more closely together in time as well as truth. And when I am in the grip of grief, I forget that life is going on all around me - often for short periods so it hasn't affected negatively yet - but my memory of other important things (like celebrating the birthday of the living) gets grayed-out.

        I've reworked it a little for flow. Does it flow a bit better now?

    • #6
      Very emotive Paula. I could feel this as it tugs at the heart.

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Thanks Alex. Yes this grieving finds me remembering things slowly that I used to keep at the forefront. I think it's just part of the process...at least I hope so.

    • #7
      The short lines work really well in this, Rhymist, making the reader weigh every word. Such simple diction conveys loss far more movingly than ornately worded poesy, I think. I love the image of 'candle-counts'; that one phrase makes the whole piece glow. The power of words.

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you Grant. Coming from a man who understands well the power of words, I consider this high praise.
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