Fargo2 for Grants Attention

[Johntee]

Wells Fargo
Grant, I gave this a two hour rewrite over breakfast
and separated the banking reference
in an attempt to improve the flow.
Is it any better?

Staging the changes,

leading the horses,

stamping and steaming,

champing and sweating,

glossy flanks heaving,

passively tamed by

the ostler's sure handling,

unharnessed from tackle,

down from the long haul,

no trace of the jingle

that set out for Fargo

galloping the plains

and setting the pace to

race with the dust storms

the cold wintered wind blows.


Remembered the days

ere banking took over,

the stages still rolled,

the dollar was silver

and robbery came

with a six shot revolver.

[grant hayes]

Better? It depends what you're aiming for, Johntee. Your additions make this version less enigmatic than the last. The first eight lines set up a regular pace and rhythm that stumbles at the ninth. In that line, if you remove either borne or down, the rhythm resumes, or it does to my ear. There's a bit of stumble at high stepping in the twelfth line and the still wintered wind in the fifteenth; one can read them in such a way that the prior rhythm is sustained, but that requires application; it's not the reading that comes most readily. If you're not too concerned to make the piece tightly rhythmic, then these observations are moot.

[Johntee]

Thanks Grant, I see what you mean with borne and down. The initial pace came from 5 syllable lines but interjecting "the ostler's sure handling," took it 6 which matched "unharnessed from tackle, borne down from the long haul," What I had in mind was starting out with exhaustion then flipping to the initial state of vigour at "no trace of the jingle" which is where "high stepping the plains came" from but maybe "galloping the plains" would fit better with draft horses and my concept of exhaustion isn't well matched by the strength of the words in lines 3-5. "the still wintered wind blew" I find harder since I wanted wintered wind to marry up with "steaming" in the third line. I've altered it to "the cold wintered wind blows" which at least gives two words with "o" and two with "i". I'd appreciate another read and comment and of course any time I try to improve things they automatically become less enigmatic as in "leading the horses and passively tamed by the ostler's sure handling"

[grant hayes]

I hear you about 'passively tamed by the ostler's sure handling' - it is plainly indicative, and sort of prosy, or like a line from a bush ballad; 'passively', in particular, has a technical, formal flatness to it.

I'm rather partial to a bit of enigma, as you've probably gathered. But that's just a matter of taste.

'galloping the plains' is a narrative line - fine for connecting parts of a story. I mean, horses gallop, no doubt about it. For a more enigmatic effect, I'd go for a verb that is not related primarily to horses: drumming, maybe?

[grant hayes]

You are often inspired to write pieces that respond creatively to the post of another Zone-ist. With that regard, I offer a piece that responds to your work here. I may well have distorted your material beyond all recognition, but it's a more economical way of indicating some of the choices I might make when composing a poem.

the horses
glossed and heaving
obedient ostled
borne from the long haul
slip from their tackle
free of the jingle
ringing the way to Fargo
free of the plains they’d drummed
ahead of the racing dust
the wintered winds had cast

[Johntee]

I think what I write is well described by narrative rhyme. It's interesting to see what you can do with the subject and how different the result is.