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  • Loxias

    morning on branches, moon along arms,
    the sun on a wall, a lamp on pages,
    phase of an artist, a scaffold groans,
    rush-hour snatches the sweetest faces,
    jungle swallows a dancer of stone

    whistle in headphones, haunting of space,
    the satyr vaunted, was flayed in a meadow,
    spell of a statesman, fateful chorales,
    crotchets and quavers shiver the marrow,
    upping the tonnage bolsters morale

    shadow in springtime, shape of the dell,
    the mound of petals, a breast in twilight,
    spy of the heavens, a lecture’s point,
    pages of profit witter no insights,
    age-old graves toss a grin to the loins
    Last edited by grant hayes; 08-16-2018, 05:54 PM.

  • #2
    i see you're into posting/writing rhymes, nice. first stanza made me dizzy with perspectival beauty. Such movement there. The middle proved the most difficult to grasp. Loosely encircling each other are these concepts/image ideas. I thought of how I can sometimes write bad poetry, on the second to last line.
    And that's quite the last line. Nice!
    Thanks for sharing, and I love the title--

    which proves more of a connection to the scenery here, maybe. Thank you Grant, more ponderables!

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      I thought you might like the title, amenOra.

      A very rough guide: each stanza is governed by a theme:

      Light proceeding
      Sound - Music
      Light departing

      There are oblique Apollonian references, too.

  • #3
    Delphic
    oracular fumes
    overwhelm.

    How much verse might this contain?
    Ian Dury's "Rhythm Stick" for one (or more)
    Last edited by Johntee; 08-15-2018, 07:38 AM.

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    • #4
      I always enjoyed that song, in the day
      when Star Wars was new, and I loved Christmas Day.
      From Tiger Bay to Mandalay,
      I sang with Dury all the way.

      Comment


      • #5
        Grant A change in style but an enjoyable one. You can hit me with your rhythm stick as much as you like. Rhyming with depth

        Comment


        • #6
          I also liked this different style from you Grant. Depth and rhyme.

          Comment


          • #7
            ^ Thank you, Parkinsonspoet and Alexandra. Yes, sometimes I can manage an approximation of rhyme.

            My method here was to place phrases in apposition, rather than connect them into sentences. The effect is meant to be kaleidoscopic: pattern through the turning of (apparently) arbitrary fragments. There is a logic behind their placement, but it is not overt.

            Comment


            • RhymeLovingWriter
              RhymeLovingWriter commented
              Editing a comment
              Kaleidoscopic - I couldn't come up with that word but now that you've used it, I got that feeling. Shorter phrases, but always moving, turning, like moments tumbled in time.

          • #8
            A slightly different version:

            morning on branches, moon along arms,
            the sun on a wall, a lamp on pages,
            phase of an artist, a scaffold groans,
            judgement cankers the sweetest faces,
            jungle swallows a dancer of stone

            whistle in headpiece, haunting of space,
            the satyr vaunted, was flayed in a meadow,
            spell of a stakehold, fateful chorales,
            crotchet and quaver shiver the marrow,
            crossing the sternum sinters morale

            shadow in springtime, shape of the dell,
            the mound of petals, a breast in twilight,
            spy of the heavens, a pilgrim’s point,
            gauges of profit witter no insights,
            age-old graves toss a grin to the loins
            Last edited by grant hayes; 08-27-2018, 06:14 PM.

            Comment


            • amenOra
              amenOra commented
              Editing a comment
              interesting to
              read both versions

              and i noticed you
              decided to forego the singular
              loin for loins.

              I think I have a much better understanding, "feeling" anyway, for the poem.

          • #9
            Your approximation of rhyme is alarming accurate and the logic works. I tip my hat to you

            Comment


            • #10
              ^ Thank you, sir. That you discern any logic in this is hat-tip worthy in itself.

              Comment

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