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  • Title suggestions for this one?

    A rose may beauty be, yet only in its name
    For all the love and praise, its name is just a name.
    So elegant and full, how pure its colors flow,
    Yet also see how fragile a rose’s petals go.
    A flower like the wind, to fly so mindlessly,
    The bud is weak and thin like a soft and whimp’ring plea.
    And yet we praise it so despite its frailties,
    Blindly gifting to those who, to us, please.
    How much more might such a gesture be
    If, instead, a gift of flower were not so briery?
    If, instead, a girl were giv’n, say, a flower from the field,
    Might then, such tender motions shown, a stubborn heart might yield.
    Or even, still, a lily or a mum to show
    That he was thinking past tradition’s cliché flow.
    A girl deserves a man who thinks of her so much
    That he sees when a simple rose is not sufficient for her touch.
    Last edited by Darthvader; 08-16-2018, 01:02 PM.

  • #2
    Does anyone have any suggestions about what I could title this poem? I have a coupe of ideas, but none of them seem to work as well as I want them to, so help will be greatly welcomed, thank you so much!!!

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    • #3
      I really enjoyed this one!

      I have a hard time with titles 🤣

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      • Darthvader
        Darthvader commented
        Editing a comment
        Haha, yes, me too as you can see. It's good to know I'm not the only one in this boat Thanks for reading and commenting anyway, though!!!

    • #4
      The Awe-Inspiring Perennial.

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      • #5
        'As flimsy as the sea'? But the sea isn't flimsy at all. Hmm, that simile needs revising, methinks.

        Given that a strict aa, bb, cc, ... end-of-line rhyme has been sustained hitherto, the 'enough / touch' almost-rhyme / assonance in the last two lines kind of drops the ball. Strict rhyme patterns require ... strict rhyme.

        I'd imagine that a piece like this in the past would have been known simply by its opening phrase: A rose may beauty be.

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        • Darthvader
          Darthvader commented
          Editing a comment
          Ahh, thank you. I knew there was something slightly off about this poem, thank you for finding where I was lacking. I think I fixed it, but will you let me know if what I changed solves the problem or if it made it worse?

        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          Well, Darthvader, you've solved the strict rhyme issue with the last two lines, and they scan, so thumbs up for that.

          'Unstable' improves on 'flimsy' within the simile itself. However, comparing the frailty of a rosebud to the sea still seems odd, despite the fact that the sea is, indeed, unstable. Basically, at 'as unstable as the sea' you need about six or seven syllables ending in an -ee sound. See if you can't figure out something that amplifies the idea of weakness, vulnerability, frailty.

          It's junctures like this that make the difference between a nice poem and a remarkable poem. Have a go.

      • #6
        Nicely done. ‘More than a Rose’

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        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          'More than a Rose' is just right.

        • Darthvader
          Darthvader commented
          Editing a comment
          Oh, it is perfect, I absolutely love it, thank you so much AtL!

        • AlexandratheLate
          AlexandratheLate commented
          Editing a comment
          You’re welcome 😊

      • #7
        I see you've turned unstable as the sea into soft and whimpering plea, which makes much better sense. Good on you for persisting, Darthvader, and going that little bit further to polish up your verse.

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