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I am a teenager and I wrote this love song and am wanting feedback

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  • I am a teenager and I wrote this love song and am wanting feedback

    You opened up the water
    You opened up the sea
    You opened up the the heart in me
    You did it so very seemlessly

    This world is a cruel place
    Not a place for you and me
    If only the world was a better place
    We could live in a dream like fantasy

    You are the impossible rose
    Oh it's not a game more like an never ending bad dream
    No its no mere dream it's more of a fantasy
    Your love is unattainable an unexplainable
    These feelings are to much for words

    You are the key to my hearts prison
    You are the gene to make my heart grow wings
    You are the one that makes my heart skip a beat
    Oh I dont know how to say this anymore

    These feelings make me feel whole
    I can't speak any words when you're around
    You bring my soul to tears when you're around
    You make me feel so good but at the same time so bad

    When I see someone else with you
    It makes my heart break in two
    When I see your shared emotions
    It makes me feel more broken
    You are sweeter than any chocolate

    You are the demon of love
    Are you sure you're no cupid
    You make my heart fly like a dove
    But you're in a jar with an untouchable lid

    My heart beats for no one but you
    Because all I know this cancer loves you
    Those words might not sound much
    But they all hold deep feeling
    For I couldn't say them to any other
    Because those words are meant for you
    Last edited by Michaelsummitt; 08-08-2018, 07:58 PM.

  • #2
    This is a beautiful love poem that I suspect will never be read by the object of its focus. As such it should remain exactly as it is (a reflection of your feelings)

    If I am wrong (and you do intend for them to read it) there are a few things I dare suggest.
    First you have a fair amount of confusion on your vs. you're. This is not a harsh critique, EVERYONE still makes these mistakes from time to time. Just remember "you are" = you're
    Second, the archaic language in the third verse may be very misunderstood (especially pulchritude which although it means beauty sounds much more like the more common word putrid which obviously carries very different meaning). Unless your reader is quite the sesquipedalian, it might be better to stick with words they will know.

    Lastly, regardless of anything else, KEEP WRITING. I wasn't writing anything like this in my teens so your ceiling is as high as you'll make it. Best regards.

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    • #3
      A common thing I tell people is to show, rather than tell. You have a certain spirit to you, yes, and you write as I have written before. Raw passion and fire energy ... hone the skill, care for what you write. Definitely the third Stanza was a bit jarring -- such small space and such an amount of "uncommon" words, with no reference point, doesn't give us much to go on. We want to feel what you're trying to express to your audience, or this person.

      If I were you I would take a look at this poem, and decide what you like about it, and specifically why you wrote those things.
      Poetry can be a source and a refuge of the soul, so enjoy.

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