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  • Gradually



    Gradually


    He walked out of her life into the night

    Like sad love stories that are written of

    Shutting out completely all the warm light

    Leaving her afraid to dream of sweet love




    She prayed that her heart would turn to cold stone

    But her soft tears betrayed how she still yearned

    For a deep love to be her very own

    To be Free from the fear of being spurned




    But life goes on- she’s now sixty years old

    Loves’ stale breath fills her house like cheap cologne

    The flames in her heart have slowly grown cold

    Never thought at this age she’d be alone




    Gradually she gave up on love and life

    The last few embers left finally died





  • #2
    Sad. I thought it could have been stronger, though it had strengths. Perhaps the idea of decline/losing the fire was driven in a bit too much?

    But I did -- I was transported to such a situation, where the air is quite depressing, almost dead. I think the piece drowns in pathos, and I'm not trying to be mean, just honest to my end. I do feel it was over-wrought where in some phrasings you could be less 'trite'.
    But that is my estimation anyway.
    Take care, and remember it's about Your enjoyment and growth in the writing. Peace

    Comment


    • AlexandratheLate
      AlexandratheLate commented
      Editing a comment
      Whoa amenOra so glad I didn’t post it for your honest critique before it got chosen to be published in a book for adults who were abused as children by family perpetrators and the depression and gradualism of thinking they’re nothing they go through as many survivors have expressed - hence the poem in some of their own words that you call trite.

      Thank you for taking the time to read it.

    • amenOra
      amenOra commented
      Editing a comment
      That is great your poem was chosen - congratulations. I am only one voice, among all of us. Thanks for sharing!

  • #3
    Wonderful to see your work in the queue again AtL in your favored sonnet style!

    This piece carries a sad and somber tone, as amenOra noted. Sometimes, my writing does the same, because the place from which it originates is a sad and somber place.

    Comment


    • #4
      Alex. Your come-back on amenOra
      made me glad I'm late to the party.
      As a published piece it's obviously
      just right for its purpose but, at the
      cost of getting a kicking, I felt
      "Gradually she gave up on love and life
      The last few embers left finally died"
      implies giving up on life not just love,
      something of a downer. It could be
      "love in her life" but that trivialises
      the book's serious intent. In the end
      I could only come down to the "left"
      in the final line having the same
      function as "last" and "finally" so it could
      be left out, giving:-
      "The last few embers finally died."
      but as you know, I'm no Judge.

      Comment


      • AlexandratheLate
        AlexandratheLate commented
        Editing a comment
        She did give up on love and life because for her they were one and the same. This poem wasn’t meant to be rainbows and unicorns but true life how adults abused as children by family members creates innumerable complicated problems both in their physiology and mental health - adults abused in their formative years see the world in many respects as children that were not able to grow up because abuse creates gaps in their brains so what I was trying to accomplish without being graphic was a beaten adult that still sees the world as abused children do but on some levels is an adult who can no longer function as an adult and romanticizes events and leaves it open whether she commits suicide or not. Her perpetrator was the love of her life - her father.

        It’s written in sonnet form, hence the structure if you count the lines and syllables


        Thank you for reading
        Last edited by AlexandratheLate; 08-06-2018, 09:49 AM.

    • #5
      Thank you Rhymeboy for the like.

      Comment


      • #6
        AtL, Love this line, Loves’ stale breath fills her house like cheap cologne

        Comment


        • #7
          Thank you Tanner. As you know many times abused children remember smells or sounds.

          Comment

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