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Shyness

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  • rhymetime
    replied
    Thank you for not following the rules. Poetry is an art of personal expression. Write on my friend. History is clear- the great artists are those that changed the rules.

    Leave a comment:


  • AlbusLycaon
    replied
    i don't always follow the rules that is one of mine idiosyncrasy ; but every idee is welcome !

    Leave a comment:


  • Johntee
    replied
    I notice you have no rhyming line for
    "no explanations for the words left unsaid"
    and in Rhymetime's punctuated version
    it should fall from "what the soul wants."
    It can be rhymed. I've underlined those changes,
    "ain't" I changed to follow the "s" sound of "does"
    but that is just an idiosyncrasy of mine


    Shyness


    The silent storm overwhelms me.

    There are no words in the air.

    My mouth won't let me free

    what the soul wants.

    What the body does isn't always fair.

    No explanations for words left to haunt

    unsaid, voiceless soul echoes in eternity,

    lingering thoughts on my tongue.

    Phrases stuck in my mind like an adrift entity,

    never to be heard, never to be sprung.

    Leave a comment:


  • AlbusLycaon
    replied
    Thnx for the welcome ,and for the feedback it helps me out alot .

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  • rhymetime
    replied
    Just a grammatical mention
    wont- won't
    aint- ain't

    I like punctuation-- not that I am very good at it. See below for my suggestions.

    Shyness


    The silent storm overwhelms me.

    There are no words in the air.

    My mouth won't let me free

    what the soul wants.

    What the body does ain't always fair.

    No explanations for words left unsaid,

    voiceless soul echoes in eternity,

    lingering thoughts on my tongue.

    Phrases stuck in my mind like an adrift entity,

    never to be heard, never to be sprung.


    As a shy person I readily understand this poem and the frustration that goes with it. Very well done

    Welcome

    Leave a comment:


  • AlbusLycaon
    replied
    thnx !

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  • Parkinsonspoet
    replied
    This is great. Just mention a very small thing. The word "like" sometimes contributes little and the line is stronger without.

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  • AlbusLycaon
    started a topic Shyness

    Shyness

    Shyness


    the silent storm overwhelms me

    there are no words in the air

    my mouth wont let me free

    what the soul wants and the body does aint always fair

    no explanations for the words left unsaid

    voiceless soul echoes in eternity

    lingering thoughts on my tongue

    the phrases stuck in my mind like an adrift entity

    never to be heard never to be sprung



    ~~~~~~~~~~

    English is not my first language , so please correct me if i m mistaken .
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