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From White to Black

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  • From White to Black

    I saw a picture of myself with a friend. I was smiling like I don't smile anymore. I remember the green grid inside my jacket, and how I wanted to be seen with a flick of red hair out of my backwards cap. Hanging down.
    I remember the 90s were a lonely time. It was hard dealing with the lonesomeness, hard coming to grips with my inside clashed with the outside world; and in front of me, I watch my entire facade of security stripped away.
    There are memories like labyrinths which I enter, and leave, and enter them again as if I've never been there. Painful memories I search for to go over. Moments of forbidden fights against what is normal and accepted. I don't have to explain it all. I know where I've been, I know the disconnect between reality that at the moment my language capacities were strong enough, the web of language swallowed me whole. Say goodbye to that future world. Say hello to a torn open reality. Your thoughts that can save you later, will ruin you now.
    And I was ruined, I thought. The pain of expressing how I was content just to hang, most of the time, around the older kids, my siblings. I was always quiet, and I still am. The distance I wanted between myself and the others ... so that on the odd chance that I felt I could trust someone, they didn't have to expect too much from me. So I did very little. I would sit back, and there were times I sat in the same room, pretending to be asleep as people were having sex. I remember I half-believed I was asleep; I know why I wanted to be there.
    And I would just walk away and forget that it happened, maybe I was high or the high was wearing off.
    We're ashamed of who and what we are only because, I think, the energy it would take us to actually see around the corner; to see the change enacting itself through us. We didn't want to do something different, we knew what we thought, which was less than thoughts, and our feelings drove us. So from the mornings I rued, days of Not walking up the hill, of not going to school, of sleeping in my backyard in the dog house. The black lab we named Whitney Houston Paula Abdul Janet Jackson ... but we only really called her Whitney. She was too wild, we didn't know how to train her, we were new to the area. We didn't know how many times the old house would end up flooding. And Whitney chewed up my glasses. And I remember listening to my sister's friend laugh at me -- I didn't want her to know what I felt inside. She would cover her mouth, pointing, and laughing. I guess now that my eyes behind the glass were huge. My eyesight was pretty bad.
    Life's not all bad, but when you start off on the wrong foot, you have to rebalance each step along the way. Some of the thoughts and memories calcified, from judgments to believing them; to undertaking the solitary road of learning to understand my darkness.

    We lived on a dead end. I can remember when I was older, I came home after a party at Tumbledrum, crying because I didn't get a BB gun for my birthday. That's the only thing I remember. I came home, sat on my bean bag, and cried while holding my bunny. The bunny is dead now, more than 15 years later. Of course. And when I finally got a BB gun for Christmas, I was able to forget other things feel well enough. So I could sit on rocks in the creek and shoot a bird in the butt. We thought it was funny. Tony, my friend whom I met because he stole my brother's friend's bike, also had a gun. Now he's out of my life, and I don't want to hear any more of how he lies, or has relapsed on heroin. I want him to be gone, and I regret the influence he had upon me.
    He was my best friend--so I would say--even specifically saying I chose him as a best friend over Tommy. And Tommy is actually doing something with his time, he's in a band which is glowing hot at the moment; I always loved his drumming. Tommy was the one in the picture I told you about, we were both smiling awkward but genuinely in the picture. I never treated Tommy like he deserved, and I hated the fact that I felt this disharmony when hanging around with Tommy and Tony. I am a Libra, I want peace and harmony. I suppose my weakness was choosing Tony to hang with... he lived a few minutes closer. But we all lived on the same side of the street, within the proximity of 3 blocks apart from each other.
    Tommy and I hang ever so often still, once every few years. I'm mostly in the house, no ride of my own. Tony I don't even want to talk to.
    I'm quite ashamed that he can have such a hold upon me as he does--and thinks he does. I had to hang up on him, and remove him from my lists. The level of inhumanity within him is actually surprising to me still--but it was just normal for me, to be around him, to settle. I remember him and another friend taunting me, enjoying the emotions, and the power they felt they had. They played with me. And I have the darkness in my heart from the feelings I kept pent up.
    In my mind's eye I just take Tony's memory -- I've quit fighting it mostly -- and turn him into a densely packed ball. Then he can do nothing. I've fantasized about him coming at me like he did a few years ago, and him realizing he can't win-- sort of using a Darth Vader move to stop him in his tracks.
    Now the music is done playing. Now I don't care what the other people think. Now I am beyond the recess of hell I had played within--that I actually signed up for. Now I process where I've been, absent and separated from other people's influence.
    O I hear your voice, I relent. "No this is NOT true! You will always deal with outside influences. Bridge the inner opposite while remaining flexible, and able to lose control."
    I know that the wisdom in the world equals the riches. That neither of them matter because they can be taken. I'd say every few days there are the moments ... and in between them are the daily reminders of my weakness, brittleness. Until I'm built back up, and I have the wherewithal to do something else. Read a book, write something, listen to music, think about the forbidden. It's not bad at all because I AM in control. I fear losing control, so that I still use the dictum "be vulnerable" in a half-sick way. And I want to be open, and I have been.
    It doesn't matter that I want to be seen, or that I can now look forward to the different aspects of my personality. Remove the veil of life, Samsara, and you have me clueless yet as to how to handle Timeless Impermanence.
    The people talk to me. I automatically write pleasantries. My own analysis I swim inside, afraid to drown, so I barely stop moving from one hour to another, whether I'm reading and something inside moves, or I'm active and not relaxed.
    I want that relaxation, and I want Jesus' love. It hurts me to be divided. Should I say I'm stuck between being a "half-jew" and someone who still feels loathing for some Christians? The fakeness seethes at my core, like some abnormal slavery we don't talk about.
    But I should not be unpleasant. I am only here behind this glass with my feelings in tact. For that I'm happy, and I appreciate every moment. I don't mind reliving, and I would not remove a single memory. I don't want to miss anything back there, so that I can build upon what I know is bedrock--me-- and can establish contact with what isn't. That's it, and that's fine. I have something to do--a mission--and all the pity and its reversal to worship ... It can do everything. I get confused and I just wanted to let go.
    So I'm learning that, and to heal. Going with the wind Inside the wind To God. Moving in mysterious ways. Feeling feelings I could never explain.
    All while relishing the moments to look at things from above. And to remember that I, like everyone else I've ever known, have invisible parts. Where things might not work right.
    I was so entirely mad at the world for the glass I was behind. I did not realize it separated me from the Beloved. At a certain level love loses its personal tinge, and imprints a cosmicness to your ways and being. It's always been there, only now you know it.
    It would be nice to be like these words, so perfect. To have the attention ... to have the focus ... to remember how I smiled with that smile which wasn't afraid, and wasn't worried about "the end". Whatever that would mean. It would be nice, but no matter what I like ... the feelings inside are still struggling. And I pray, and celebrate this time, now. And I wonder about the next time the black will turn white, begging its opposite operations. I wonder about sheer curiousity and mystery.
    They are what endow my being now.
    Last edited by amenOra; 04-25-2018, 01:43 PM.

  • #2
    AmenOra, You have an exceptional ability to reflect upon the past and to do self-analysis, to step outside of yourself and observe. I can only quote to you what I said to Sister Greed,
    OMG, You delve deep into the existential realities of sentient creatures. I can only think of Hermann Hesse’s famous words from Steppenwolf: “The way to innocence, to the uncreated and to God leads on, not back, not back to the wolf or the child, but ever further into sin, ever deeper into human life”.

    AmenOra, most people are "flat earth" people. They spend little, if any, time reflecting upon the vastly immense universe and the gigantic elephant in the room (MYSTERY) in their day to day lives. They accept easy and conventional answers. I take a somewhat heretical approach; I think no one who has ever lived on Earth has had a friggin' idea of what the hell is going on in the universe. I think we are left to muddle on as best we can. I am going to post a poem (and dedicate it to you) I recently entered in a contest. I hope you find it interesting.


    • #3
      AmenOra, I have responded to your excellent piece of self-analysis. Unfortunately, my response has been flagged for administrative review. I will quote for you, what I wrote to Sister Greed, OMG, You delve deep into the existential realities of sentient creatures. I can only think of Hermann Hesse’s famous words from Steppenwolf: “The way to innocence, to the uncreated and to God leads on, not back, not back to the wolf or the child, but ever further into sin, ever deeper into human life”. I am also going to post a poem dedicated to you.


      • #4
        Thanks, Tanner, it means a lot. I agree, and it is wise, and I think it's true for you as well, to be able to take the stance of "I know nothing either" -- humility. Then perhaps we can get somewhere? But here on Earth, we don't have much common ground, and it pisses us off, and you know how that goes. I appreciate you reading this, it naturally came, and a confluence of events (as always) brought it forth. Here to enjoy reading and writing and sharing thoughts, friend.
        Glad for it. Peace.


        • #5
          amenOra I get great enjoyment from your writing although I don't have the skills to analyse the complexity in your. There is one line in this I du not agree'
          I know that the wisdom in the world equals the riches. That neither of them matter because they can be taken. Wisdom can be learnt wisdom can't be taken.


          • amenOra
            amenOra commented
            Editing a comment
            The bible teaches us that the wisdom of Man is nothing, and will pass away. That is what I meant, my understanding of that.
            Thanks a bunch for stopping by. Perhaps you could think about what it means, and maybe there you could see what I meant. I wonder.

            The difference, now I see, is that God takes away our wisdom, rather than any man taking it.
            Let me know if I'm makin sense Peace.

          • Parkinsonspoet
            Parkinsonspoet commented
            Editing a comment
            I now understand your meaning but if the wisdom of man is nothing there is nothing to pass away and nothing to take. The realisation that there is more than we can ever know could just as easily be an awakening as a loss. The insight that there is more than we can ever comprehend is what drives us, learning more gives us knowledge but not necessarily wisdom. Wisdom is how we use that knowledge. If we ever reach our goal we stagnate we just exist. I find a huge amount of introspection in your writing but you had to point out a reference to god to me Do you find that odd given that your piece discusses timeless impermanence. It is human to wonder about the end and to fear it. We all want peace and I have no answers. your wisdom will always be part of you in whatever form it exists. God has no reason to take it from you even if god makes us aware of its limits.
            Your self awareness is stunning but in the end what is it's purpose and where does it take you. At this point I am considering pressing the cancel button because I am not sure what my point is but I will leave it as I may learn from your response.
            Peace to you .

        • #6
          I'll be frank, I am learning for the first time what God is, so I can be corrected but sometimes it's difficult, and yet here I see sorta what you mean. The issue is perhaps that I read in the bible that Wisdom means nothing (see Corinthians) and My equating riches equal to wisdom means I am seeing beyond time, rather than accruing things, yes I see that wisdom actually is "good" and yet a goal to be wise might have the wrong intention. So wisdom knows it's own limits, and I see how the black turns to white! As, we love wisdom and we're called "philosophers", which is our stance about the working of the world. So wisdom is never bad, and yet it is wise to not become attached to wisdom, because in the end I know my bad moods can't ... or haven't ... used wisdom ... I need more fire-heart to get beyond what is cold about wisdom.
          Hope we're seeing eye to eye, and I am not sure!

          It's like the idea of being wise is tantalizing, but the true wise know something beyond "needing to be wise" so it's about harmony, I surmise.

          I don't find it odd, no, that I had to explain what I meant, because you perhaps didn't see my point, which it's ironic but the statement in question itself is "wise", so....

          But we may just be talking about a different thing, we're trying to figure out What It means to us. I admit I sometimes write things to "sound" a certain way. But this line I was proud of. haha.

          But that doesn't make it right for me to just "make it true". I would rather see it as we're better understanding what we didn't know? About each other? LOL Have a good day friend.
          Thanks for your inquiry and I do appreciate you going back n forth, hope you're well.


          • amenOra
            amenOra commented
            Editing a comment
            1 Corinthians 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

            20 And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.

        • #7
          Thank you. I am well We do have some understanding part of the reason I considered deleting my response was the thought that actually we may have no common basis of understanding. Wisdom is one of those paradoxes it can't be achieved if that is the focus.The man just trying to do the best he can may show more wisdom than if he tried to be wise. Wisdom about harmony or maybe balance is the right word. Requires questioning to be open but not too much because doubt can be a maze that we get lost in. We seek control with thought and words because being in control is a comfort. Sometimes we don't need thought but just to breathe and let go. Too much control is tiring.

          Take care


          Last edited by Parkinsonspoet; 04-26-2018, 02:46 PM.


          • #8
            Silly to scruple over something and forget what we're doing. No biggie. I thank ya for sharing your views and insight with me, Jon.


            • Parkinsonspoet
              Parkinsonspoet commented
              Editing a comment
              I thank you for sharing. Your posts provide great interest and I look forward to many more