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From Birth To Extinction

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  • From Birth To Extinction

    Formation of the species
    Exalted conception
    From darkness, we were the unknown
    We are the future of this land
    Civilians of greatness, soldiers of glory
    A flawed perception

    In this void
    We come together
    Only then to collapse
    Tragedy, endless suffer
    No hope to rebuild
    No chance to survive again
    We had one wish to advance and follow
    The great leaders that once walked this Earth
    But now, unfortunately
    This is the end

    We were the fading light
    We were the cells of forgotten time
    We thought we can benefit
    This aging world
    But we had soon realised
    That we've become the irrelevant
    Lost forever in fragments of time

    Our destruction was nigh
    Our harrowing end was nigh
    Only just flesh made to die


    The foundations were built
    So was the dawn of humanity
    And as decades pass, we fall down
    There's no hope for you and me
    No way to escape
    Such an unfortunate twisted fate
    In this life, what were we to live for
    Except to see each other for one final time
    And never see ourselves progress?
    Now may this solid, beating heart
    Sing its last song before it's too late
    ~~~

    Wanted to write something with this really strong idea of a title used but, the content shown may not live up to it well. Any suggestions to fix it up is much appreciated.
    Last edited by Bry89; 04-01-2018, 09:47 AM. Reason: Made some changes from the original version, including a new verse before all others. I hope it looks better now.

  • #2
    This paints a fatalistic, perhaps realistic, portrait.

    I am not in the habit of telling anyone how they might make their work better. In the end it is your soul represented.
    l believe that short of a catastrophic event (asteoids and dinasours) extinction is a slow and painless process. Perhaps we are here only to build upon previous extintions and prepare for the next stage of evolution.

    Your verse made think and that is enough.

    Comment


    • Bry89
      Bry89 commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks for your comment. Much appreciated

  • #3
    This also made me think, and I thought it good as it is, Bry. But, to provide some input for your request, this read to me as mostly the ‘To Extinction’ side of the title, with not much focus at all on the ‘From Birth’. Maybe the title needs to be revised?

    Comment


    • Bry89
      Bry89 commented
      Editing a comment
      Well, think of "life and death". That's what the title was meant to evoke. The first two lines slightly suggest the "birth" aspect and for few others too. Maybe the piece concentrated more on the "extinction" part but as I said, I had a hard time trying to make this as perfect as possible. I'll probably rewrite it whenever I can.

      Thanks for your comment though

  • #4
    We were the cells of forgotten time is a beautiful line !

    Comment


    • Bry89
      Bry89 commented
      Editing a comment
      Yes, I liked that one myself too

  • #5
    I enjoyed this but was sort of let down, yes, by the fatalism in the last stanza. I do not find it truthful! Which is positive. To be blunt I would rework the end stanza, keep what you want and maybe edit in some more of the Birth- positive painful processes-- That Muttado suggested.

    Removing the 'the' in this line would make it flow better yo my ear: there were too many together in this line and the previous one: IMO: Lost forever in [the] fragments of time

    Comment


    • Bry89
      Bry89 commented
      Editing a comment
      I've just made that change although, I actually thought the use of that little word would make it flow better, but I guess not. Everything else, I would need to sit down and think hard on this. And wait, how can a "painful process" be positive? I aimed to make this as dark and grim as possible here, which is my forte in nearly everything I write! D:

      And despite these flaws, at least you had a good read through anyway. Much appreciated

  • #6
    Birth is a wonder but like Muttado I think it is under represented here


    A new beginning

    Formed in a moment

    Mortalities glory

    Conception perception




    Barrage of senses

    Taste. touch, sight, sound, smell

    Exalted existence

    Lifes Natal wonder

    Comment


    • Bry89
      Bry89 commented
      Editing a comment
      Hmm, good suggestions. Is this for some parts of it or throughout it? I'll take these into consideration. Thank you

    • Parkinsonspoet
      Parkinsonspoet commented
      Editing a comment
      they were just thoughts about happy tor you to use any part or not as you choose

  • #7
    Okay friends, I've made some changes to the piece, especially of adding a new verse before all others which suggested the "birth" part, which I hadn't said much of last time and hopefully it's good enough alone to balance the entire thing out. Once more, feedback is welcome

    Comment


    • #8
      The third stanza is just beautiful. I think that it stands alone.

      Comment


      • Bry89
        Bry89 commented
        Editing a comment
        Yep, I like it too
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