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Elizabethan Sonnet

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  • Elizabethan Sonnet

    Dang! It's been a long time since I was on here. Anyways, for my English homework I was supposed to write a sonnet that's going to be read in front of my whole school. So I'd sincerely appreciate any and all feedback! Seriously, any suggestions are highly appreciated. (:

    Shall I compare thee to an open flame?


    Whenever I’m with you something ignites


    My heart flutters whenev’r you say my name


    As I feel my heart begin to take flight.


    I wonder if I’m just too blind to see


    That you’re the only cause beneath this hurt


    Are you just too deaf to listen to me?


    As you run off and leave me in the dirt.


    My heart is open, and i should shut it


    You’re like gasoline coursing through my veins


    You watch me burn I secretly love it


    As I feel myself slowly go insane.


    Whenever fire burns it starts to spread


    I’m engulfed from my heart up to my head


  • #2
    Hello PoetryBree, I enjoyed it. Somewhat different than the usual but it's the difference in it that I enjoyed. I say, go for it, as it is. I will surely cheer you on - deservingly. Fond regards, Tony.

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    • #3
      I don't know if you already presented your poem and if you did it is a fine sonnet but since you specifically asked I'll try to nitpick a bit?

      Shall I compare thee to an open flame? 1a
      Whenever I’m with you something ignites 2b
      My heart flutters whenev’r you say my name 3a
      As I feel my heart begin to take flight. 4b
      I wonder if I’m just too blind to see 5c
      That you’re the only cause beneath this hurt 6d
      Are you just too deaf to listen to me? 7c
      As you run off and leave me in the dirt. 8d
      My heart is open, and i should shut it 9e
      You’re like gasoline coursing through my veins 10a
      You watch me burn I secretly love it 11e
      As I feel myself slowly go insane. 12a
      Whenever fire burns it starts to spread 13f
      I’m engulfed from my heart up to my head 14f

      1-4 creates a strong traditional sonnet well enough while lines 5-8 create a nice curve to the poem.
      9-12 felt a bit weak initially but once 11 is split with half going towards 12 it read pretty well and could be the best part of the poem. 'Slowly' and 'go' can perhaps be switched depending on how the reading sounds to you? 'It' doubled up is also a bit weak but that leads to...
      13-14 doesn't seem part of the rest of the poem to me? It takes some good imagery and restates it in a slightly generic way (but then again, I don't really appreciate romantic anything so if others love it ignore this part). I feel like it would be interested to use the last two lines to explain 9 and/or 12 while also using the 'weakness' of doubling 'it' as a strength by emphasizing it with the same rhyme. There are some good rhymes to play with 'it' -- admit, acquit, sunlit, commit (in either the relationship way or the insane asylum way), etc.

      Creating a good poem out of a very strict pattern is hard to do, I hope your schoolmates and teachers are appreciative of the fine work you created!

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