By Alan Stallsmith

And I'm acclimated to sabotage
With my very own hands
Who needs enemies?
When I have me. Understand?

I craft my own jail cells
With very fine steel
I build my own graveyards
The sarcophagus is real!

Now I don't mean to boast
But I undermine well
And when it comes to subterfuge
I am the reason Rome fell

I've mastered the art
Of public smiles and covert pain
For when someone needs consoling
You know this guy is game!

I try to dress to impress
To be disguised as a yuppy
I'm the guy who cries wolf
When it's an adorable puppy

Flawless self-affliction
It's an addiction of sorts
Healthy and beaming?
Or suffering for sport?

I'll paint you a beautiful picture
Of rainbows and golden sun
Then I'll secretly torch it
And scream "What have YOU done?!"

Oh my dear friend!
Look at the time!
Thanks for letting me vent
But I don't want to whine!

This coffee is amazing
It's just the boost I was needing
It's a shame about your arms
Never leave lesions bleeding!

I have a psychiatrist appointment
Glad my self awareness is great
At least the weather looks grand
I really hope I'm not late!

So just remember I'm happy
I have never been better
And I brought you a gift
I hope you like sweaters!