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  • Lost for worlds

    Deleted
    Last edited by grant hayes; 01-02-2018, 04:04 PM.

  • #2
    Structural note: Three stanzas of seven lines each. The syllable pattern of the stanzas is 8,7,6,5,6,7,8. I disrupt the pattern in the very middle of the poem, in lines 3 and 4 of the second stanza, where the syllable count is 7,4 rather than 6,5 - a numerical fissure that reflects that referred to in the lines at this point.

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    • #3
      That line of a wringed out ghost is quite an impact and we must be on the same wavelength because I’ve been working on a poem that uses ghost metaphorically also. But i Love the way you’ve used it here. Wished i had thought of it. Kiddos Grant on this poem.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I find it difficult to keep 'ghost' out of my lines, Alexandra. Like 'dust' and 'water', it is a word I to which I turn too easily. Good luck with it in your own work.

    • #4
      (the wind
      in snakes of seconds curled
      from vale to crest of the crop,)

      A great evocation
      of the wind seen
      as waves and swells
      on the substrate crop.
      Here a sunny day
      would be requisite,
      and wind not too little
      not too much.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        You've got the picture, Johntee.

    • #5
      That vision-shattered trust
      marks us beast, proves we’ve never
      ceased to be the wounds
      of mothers.

      Perhaps my favourite phrase among many.

      The structure of this poem, befits the subject matter in ways I cannot quite articulate.

      Recently, I was reminiscing on my childhood best friend, who died too soon, a child approaching the edge of manhood, when he died.

      The holiday season always punctuates the loss.

      I felt the loss anew, yet could not find words for it.

      This poem came as if to give my weeping spirit voice.

      Thank you.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        That words of mine could unlock that for you, Dwayne, is a great privilege for me. Peace and blessing to you.

    • #6
      Perhaps it's my mood which forms this view, but this strikes me as an intricately paced grievance (with a hint of hope at the top of the last stanza). I'll be returning for further absorption.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I'd be interested to know whether your initial apperception has shifted, Rhymist.

      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        I was checking earlier today and the space was blank. Happy to see the poem back again.

        Perhaps its a narcissistic tendency, but my initial read (from the grievance viewpoint) felt very personal - like you were looking into my life from across the globe and writing this just for me. In truth, you've not expressed your motivation for this write (so far as I've seen).

        The second stanza called me to face a position of 'vision shattered trust', as if all the manner in which I write treats only of half, or part, of the truth of the human condition.

        The third stanza still reads to me of comfort - 'Untrouble...' joined to the carefree, childhood reference and the directionality from vale to crest encourages upward motion...possibility....hope.

        Forgive my presumption. My 'interpretations' often fall so far from your intent that I should be embarrassed for myself. But then, how will I ever learn if I don't step out in faith?

        Warmest wishes for a lovely Christmas season Grant. I'm excited for the possibility of the next 11 days leading up to Epiphany - though most of the world has already moved on. I relish these days - they fly by too fast.

        So do tell, what IS your motivation/thought process on this one?

      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I love your interpretation, Rhymist; there is no presumption in engaging thus. My own catalyst for writing is not that important; as usual, I take some fragment of life and try to make something of it that others might move around in, with their own thoughts and feelings. Dwayne shared above that it gave him words to express his own loss. You feel that it has spoken directly to you, from across the globe. That is what I want to achieve. My own motivations are secondary; the effect of the finished work is all.

        Thank you for your kind wishes. May the rich meanings of your tradition bring you blessing.

    • #7
      This makes me think of the song "fields of gold". The poem is beautifully haunting yet uplifted with hope in closing that someday this pair will reconnect. Thank you

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        You're welcome, mooneyblack; many thanks for engaging with this piece.

    • #8
      Hello grant, Winnowing the chaff of memories to other winds whilst the seeds of the mother's wounds fall into the hands of the beast - the untrustworthy, the bad seed in a crop of summer children playing swallows with the wind - and I could on and on, so beguiling is this most splendid and a times harrowing poem of yours. Tomorrow, I may see it in a different light, depending on one's mood but it mattes not, the poetry will still beguile, hurt and wring out the senses. 'The winds we loosed, my friend, to someday-soon', caught me beautifully off guard. Mesmerising stuff. Well done, indeed. Fond regards, Tony.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I think your response has much more poetry in it than the poem itself, Tony You can't help yourself; you are a bard to the marrow. I raise a glass to your good health. Take care.

    • #9
      Hi Grant! Happy Holidays to you! Can you give me a tip about how to write with better structure? Thanks.
      Last edited by Sister Greed; 12-24-2017, 02:27 PM.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I doubt I can offer useful advice, Sister Greed. I just start working with a phrase, and once I have a few more around it, I might consider a syllable limit on each line, or a stanza structure. There is no overall system; it varies from poem to poem. Anyway, I am no one to be offering advice, as my own material is so problematic. And besides, your poetry is in fine form as it is, free of hayesian straits.

        May 2018 be a year of fulfilment for you, Sister Greed. All the best to you and yours. Take care.
        Last edited by grant hayes; 12-26-2017, 04:16 PM.
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