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Bricked Out - Revisited

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  • Bricked Out - Revisited



    Bricked Out - Revisited


    Side-to-side her moan belabored mourning scrawl.
    She whispered no to new occasions
    prepped to plane each stark and steadied course.

    No call to force the fantasy of stoic soldier bating*;
    lines of battle rose, hard-won. With challenge done
    she waited, relevé reactionary, snagged on thorn-bird beat.

    Each lifted heel, tensed firm upon sweet wrecking ball
    of grace, to pound graffitied wonder
    through remaining weighted gates.

    Inside each daily stone found seconds spent,
    construction zones of careful, structured cries.
    She realized the walls washed loud of fingerprints…

    her own.

    ~~~









    This may well still read in the abstract, but I've attempted to do more showing than telling.



    *bating - meant in the second verb tense found at
    www.dictionary.com - (of a hawk) to flutter its wings and attempt to escape in a fit of anger or fear
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 12-01-2017, 02:56 PM. Reason: S1L4 - changed 'mark' to 'plane, S3 end of L1 & start of L2 - changed to omit 'telling' words

  • #2
    I find this to be also enlightening and very well crafted; gives me the images and feel of reality's universal yet personal weight; the walls touched, clawed at times, grounds tread easy and hard, barefoot and heeled, the carefully done but oh so needed time for primal scream... one pip of a suggestion, from one who is not nor ever has been an editor of other people's work - I like to read poems out loud to savor the wonder, flow and meaning and the first line of your work didn't roll easily so I read it again without the word "rhythmed" and it was perfect - just my input.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Katray! I like your idea and have made that change. I agree that it reads easier. Again, much appreciated!

  • #3
    Hello RhymeLovingWriter, A strange one, this, as if being in an abstract state of one's own emotions. A lovely bewilderment about it, especially so, 'careful, structured cries', like an actor's heart when in the moment of a scene. A most enjoyable poem, I must say. Well done indeed. Fond regards, Tony.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks Tony - yes, lately sometimes that's how I write. The actual emotions are very strong.Sometimes in writing them it seems safer to write about them with a bit of distance between. Mostly I was trying to adapt the first stanzas from the first version to practice 'showing' instead of 'telling'. Thank you again for engaging, and leaving such an enlightening comment!

  • #4
    Paula your poems are tops. In my humble opinion,i preferred the first one although i do like this version too.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Alex. This is good to know. So often my words are a mixed bag of show and tell. To try and force the showing may have taken something away, since I'm still learning that part. It's all part of learning for me, and I so appreciate your feedback to know what works best. I've never been a tinkerer too much, and am not sure that revisits will warrant improvement. That too, is a learned skill, I'm finding.

  • #5
    I think this is a real improvement on the earlier version, Rhymist. It's very musical overall, and there are good strong verbs about, and some remarkable new phrases, like 'releve reactionary', and 'snagged on thorn-bird beat' (that's the right stuff). The third stanza fumbles the ball, with flat prosy words - minimal, sufficient, and sustaining - all in a row. You need to get out from behind that kind of 'telling' lexicon. Each of those words, of course, can be used effectively in a poem, but the more abstracting the word the more unexpected its deployment should be.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Grant, I see what you mean. Let me think on it and see if I can improve that section.

    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      OK, I think this is better. I like the way it reads and 'looks' in my mind. Give me another 50 years or so of writing, and maybe I can produce entire pieces consistently.

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      'Sweet wrecking ball of grace' is impressive, Rhymist. That's language that grabs one's attention.

  • #6
    RLW, now that I’m reading your rewrite again, I like this one better. A lot better. It’s a beautiful piece of writing. Full of imagery. Love this gorgeous, revealing poem!

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks for the revisit and challenge to see what I could to with this Sister Greed. The more I compare the two, the more different they read to me too. I don't know which I prefer more - though the tone of the first one sounds more like me. Still, I like some of the phrasing that came to mind for this - maybe just in a different piece? This one has given me things to think about. So that's where I'm at with it now.

  • #7
    So, I see them both now. I read through this a few times. My first reaction, I gravitate towards the first one.
    So, you present challenges, mouthful of words, and ...
    It is hard for me to picture this, to enter this scene. See, the tone in your one before was familiar to me, as a woman who's strong and people know it. There is the condensement of the soul, you've kept the 'stone' ending. Distillation of Personality?

    Anyway, I need to visit these when my palette is fresh. I didn't have a problem with the first one, and this poem ... challenged me. This is an individual reaction of course, ... New words/terms "releve" and thorn-bird.

    Graffiti'ed wonder, very nice, leapt out at me.

    Again, thanks for sharing. I shall return with perhaps, hopefully, more resolution :P

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you amenOra for pointing this out. Through this process I'm learning that different things appeal to different people. Between public and private comments its about a 50/50 split between versions. I think (and I'm still processing if this is true) that I'd like to write challenging poetry, but mostly I'd just like to write like I feel it. I do know I'm prone to wordiness and can always work on finding better ways to present things. If you come up with something more, I'd be interested to hear it. Thanks.

  • #8
    RLW, I like the formatting better here. Much easier to read.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Yes, that's another thing I'm trying to give attention to - I forget sometimes that it can make a difference.
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