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  • Pedicure

    We sit in brown vinyl chairs

    Feet turning red

    In hot water

    The car abandoned at the bar

    She stares straight ahead


    Something didn’t go according to plan

    The Facebook post read

    “Describe your life

    In one word.”

    I thought for a minute and typed



    She stares ahead.

  • #2
    'Honesty is the best policy' isn't for everyone. What I like about your writing, and I don't think I even got this before, is how it shows me. I've been prone to telling, with a showing line tucked in among the rest every now and then for effect.

    I need this now, I think I'm maybe ready (or readier) to learn it, and you're posting great work to illustrate. I'm sure other poets have done the same in the past and I couldn't see it. Maybe it's just the morning sunrise bleeding hope, maybe the clock made itself relevant - I don't know.

    I do know I'm readier to study and try again. Thanks for that.


    • #3
      RLW, I don’t know after reading those closing lines in Bricked Out, you definitely get it. But...those ones were the most compelling. And wow! When you write poetry like that what are you going to wrap around it? Maybe nothing. Maybe you have a two line head fuck. Excuse my language. But I always look forward to your feedback. And poetry. 😄
      Last edited by Sister Greed; 11-29-2017, 05:42 AM.


      • #4
        We She I She
        versed in proximity
        Seething Staring
        Staring Silently

        Now the unseen
        Abandoned car post alcohol?
        Where and how
        the Pedicure pool?


        • Sister Greed
          Sister Greed commented
          Editing a comment
          Hi Johntee! Yes you get what is shown and what is left out. A poem with invisible ink. The key is “In hot water.”

      • #5
        I particularly like the brown/red chromatics at the start - brown: synthetic fabric; red: flesh. Adjectives should be bold like this, or left out.

        I also like how you poeticise the everyday features of our world, eg. pedicure (such a poetically rich word), Facebook, car, bar. It's so important that poems embrace now, and it takes a special talent to blend this with the ancient roots of English. Keep it up.


        • lunar glide
          lunar glide commented
          Editing a comment
          Yes! Poetry is contemporary 😁

      • #6
        Thanks Grant for isolating specifics in this poem. It really helps me make different decisions in future writing!


        • #7
          Chapter 3
          Between driving drunk
          and hot water's tank,
          did a cop bust intervene?
          Last edited by Johntee; 12-01-2017, 07:21 AM.


          • #8
            Not quite thanks to steadfast bartender and Uber!


            • #9
              Hey Sister Greed long time no see! Glad to see you posting again. An interesting poem that cleverly incorporates the importance of social media in our lives today


              • #10
                Thanks RhymeBoy!