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Bricked Out

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  • Bricked Out

    Bricked Out


    She couldn’t take another stake to wearied heart.
    Then knew she could – and would –
    if such occasion rose to mark her day.

    She’d say these trials scored trivial alongside some that horrify.
    There welled no need to glorify the hardships as they sailed.
    Life took its toll.

    Each tempting coil of shade held nothing back,
    constricting rack of ruined humanity to fit time-keeper frays.
    Higher truths and brighter days announced arrival regular…
    if full attention drew long gaze that way.

    Inside each daily stone found seconds spent,
    construction zones of careful, structured cries.
    She realized the walls washed loud of fingerprints…
    her own.




    My husband found this rather abstract at first reading. Would you guys agree? Perhaps I reached a bit too much?
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 11-27-2017, 05:56 PM. Reason: Omitted following phrase from S4L1 - 'awash with memory; both highs and lows'

  • #2
    You say at “first reading” How did he feel after second and third? Sometimes the gold needs to be dug.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      After a little background information on where I was coming from, he nodded in the affirmative.

  • #3
    The last stanza affects me the most, Rhymist. Thinking about why, I come to realise that's were the imagery kicks in. Up to that point you speak of occasions, trials, hardships, ruined humanity, higher truths, arrival regular, full attention ... all abstractions, all 'telling' rather than 'showing'. Then there are the commonplace phrases 'life took its toll' and 'occasion rose' and 'full attention' and 'awash with memory' and 'highs and lows' - the tools of explanatory prose.

    The winning lines:
    'Inside each daily stone found seconds spent'
    'construction zones of careful, structured cries'
    'She realized the walls washed loud of fingerprints' (wow!)

    The language in these is still analytical, but there's a vividness because concrete things appear: stone, construction zones, walls, fingerprints. And there is the evocative power of 'cries' and 'washed loud'.

    So, yes, I'd agree with your husband's first reading, for these reasons.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Grant. A mixed bag then, it sounds. One day perhaps I'll show my thoughts all through. I may revisit one day, but the feelings behind it are too raw at present. I did remove one phrase on S4L1, and like the way it reads still.
      Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 11-30-2017, 12:39 PM.

  • #4
    That last stanza was gripping as i felt the frustration at grappling life’s many twists and turns. It was as though we hold our breath not wanting to ask what else but also look to enjoy life’s good things.
    Last edited by AlexandratheLate; 11-27-2017, 05:38 PM.

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    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      You nailed it AlexandratheLate. It's all together, the rough times heavy as bricks yet good things mixed right in - and we are the architect of how we perceive and process both.

  • #5
    I found this very emotional; wondering can you go on and yet knowing you can. The last stanza is unbelievably powerful. I hope you felt the better for writing this

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  • #6
    Reach for the stars Darlin, it's the only way to ride

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    • #7
      Good to know, and thank you kindly

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      • #8
        “Inside each daily stone found seconds spent,
        construction zones of careful, structured cries.
        She realized the walls washed loud of fingerprints…
        her own.” WOW!!!

        Comment


      • #9
        Abstract at first, but further readings felt like a treasure hunt for myself, one that was enlightening and woven very well. I enjoyed all stanzas, but the third sounded the most positive note of life's oft stumbling and wearying climb, so it stands out as my favorite. All in all, a really good capture of the human condition!

        Comment


        • RhymeLovingWriter
          RhymeLovingWriter commented
          Editing a comment
          Thanks Katray. Appreciate you taking time for the repeated reads.

      • #10
        Still drawn to this poem! I’m looking forward to you revisiting it as soon as you can. One of the best writes I’ve read here. Love, love, love it. Sister Greed again.

        Comment


        • RhymeLovingWriter
          RhymeLovingWriter commented
          Editing a comment
          Thanks Sister Greed. I did a rewrite of the opener on this one. Hopefully an improvement - though some have said they prefer this original. I love how we are so different and can find affirmation in the zone!

      • #11
        I think the poem and the poet outside a comfort zone I love it

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        • RhymeLovingWriter
          RhymeLovingWriter commented
          Editing a comment
          Thanks TS - that doesn't happen too often for me. I'm often of the 'safer' mind-set. Not much adventure in that, but the emotions were running strong so that probably helped me make what is a 'push' for me. I've often said, 'I can be taught'.

      • #12
        I enjoyed this one! I thought the emotion came through stronger than the abstraction.

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        • RhymeLovingWriter
          RhymeLovingWriter commented
          Editing a comment
          Thank you LG - probably because of the last stanza as others have mentioned. I'm glad you got a sense of it though. Sometimes what I think I've written isn't how a reader interprets it. That's OK too - we all bring our own experiences to reading as well as writing.

      • #13
        RLW, I prefer the original as well. I also didn’t think you needed a complete rewrite. And looking at Bricked Out again, not sure I’d change a word!

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        • #14
          yes, the ending is good. It does something to my senses. At the same time, I have to ask, I have never heard the term "washed loud" and while it does something I am not sure exactly why. Its beautiful. I've just not heard the phrase before.

          And the rhythm of the language is nice throughout.

          Feel like she's the Mom who takes everything in stride, but behind closed doors she cries; she's crying, not the stone, right? Or are cries stuck in the rock?

          Makes me think of how when you break some rocks their insides "sparkle".

          Thank you for sharing, RLW. Kudos--
          Last edited by amenOra; 12-03-2017, 01:38 PM.

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          • #15
            “constricting rack of ruined humanity to fit time-keeper frays.” Such magnificent writing. I’m revisiting my favorite poems for the holidays, and I just had to read Bricked Out again. And I’m glad I did. I missed this gem of a phrase. Have I felt that before!

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