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Let Anxieties Abate

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  • Let Anxieties Abate

    Careful what you fish for
    I could pull you under
    The seas of a skewed world
    Where everything’s a wonder
    Our lives in the hand of fate
    Not always ours to live
    Live in each new moment
    Slip from the cloister's gate




    A response to the photo prompt below from @RealisticPoetry

    The last line changed from Let fear abate to Slip from the cloister's gate - the title should really change too!
    My thanks to grant hayes for advice and suggestions - you can read the lesson below! #amlearning - hopefully!
    Last edited by mooneyblack; 11-27-2017, 02:43 PM.

  • #2
    Nicely penned MB,

    By hand's sleight
    words conflate
    an imaged bait.

    .

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Johntee.

  • #3
    Mooneyblack, you've done here what you've done a couple of times before that I've noticed: interrupted an overall lyrical diction with a prosy, technical-sounding abstraction - a sudden 'tell' amongst the 'show'. Here, it occurs with the word 'anxieties' in the last line. That simply does not sound right in a piece with phrases like 'seas of a skewed world' and 'careful what you fish for'. Up to that last line, you had cast a lovely spell, and that one word broke it, for this reader, at least. Hold on to the charm and the mystery and the strong music of the basic lexicon.
    Last edited by grant hayes; 11-27-2017, 01:40 PM.

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Slip fear's -/- gate

    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Oops, I edited too quickly before I saw your last comment.
      How about:
      Slip fear's wretched/baleful gate ??

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Wretched and baleful make it melodramatic in this context; obvious 'telling' adjectives.

  • #4
    Slip from fear's -/- gate

    Comment


    • #5
      Slip from fear's all-trapping gate

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you grant hayes - changes made - so many thanks for the master class I really appreciate your advice and help on this.

      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you grant hayes - yes I see - I have so much to learn and this lesson will help me to connect with your poetry more often too. Have a virtual pint on me!

      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        It's fun doing this. And 'cloister' is your discovery here, mooneyblack, so I am extra pleased.

    • #6
      Nicely done Mooneyblack.

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you AtL - as you can see I had some much-needed help! #love2learn

    • #7
      I like this one too - and appreciated your and Grant's back and forth to learn more about the importance of particular word choices. That's one of the things I love about this site.

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you, Paula. Yes, Grant's persistence paid off and I welcomed the lesson. Probably just as well we're miles apart or he may have rapped my knuckles with a ruler lol

    • #8
      Hello Karen, Your perseverance has found you rewarded with a splendid poem indeed. Come on in, the water is fine and a fine poetess, you are. I would have finished it off, Clint Eastwood style, with, 'or go ahead, cast your bait' - hahaha! Don't mind me, drunk again. A most enjoyable poem and your rapport with Grant, I found very exciting. Well done indeed. Fond regards, Tony.

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you, Tony. I do think grant hayes should be applauded for his perseverance and patience with me! Now I do like your proposed ending line too; keeps the sea/fishing themes going. As for rapport; yes I can rap with port just about any day of the week and I hear a week drop in the black stuff is as good as it gets! You take care Tony, fond wishes from the green isle; Karen

      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        'rap with port'? LOL - as it should be Karen! I've never tried port myself - think it's about time, as new experiences expand our horizons, no? .

      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Yes Paula, couldn't agree more. The older I get the more I realise the less time I have to pack it all in so I am duty bound to broaden horizons so that I may speak with a voice of seasoned, if not reasoned, experience.

    • #9
      Daisy advise I'd say Darlin. Love it!

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Many thanks for the read and the feedback RITS

    • #10
      Mooneyblack, hi! Sister Greed here. I’m doing something I never do which is to rewrite your poem. I felt you had 6 strong lines of pure magic, so I ditched the rest. “Slip from the clouster’s gate” (which is pure heaven to me!) speaks of new moments. And “Not always ours to live” was redundant. Pardon me for editing you, but I loved this so much I had to. Forgive my boldness. What follows is your 6 Line masterpiece! Gorgeous. I couldn’t read the exercise, so I may be off track.

      Careful what you fish for
      I could pull you under
      The seas of a skewed world
      Where everything’s a wonder
      Our lives in the hand of fate
      Slip from the cloister's gate

      looking forward to MUCH MORE! Best, Sister Greed.

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Hi, Sister Greed, thank you and no offence taken I assure you. I'm here to learn and welcome constructive feedback; I now have three versions that I like - the one above that Grant assisted with; Tony's suggested final line and your revisions. Perhaps I should create a poll?? Thank you for taking the time and obvious thought to support me on this one - much appreciated.

    • #11
      Mooneyblack, I hope we don’t start polling on our peer’s Poetry. As an editor, I couldn’t resist. But I may have overstepped my bounds. And if so I apologize. I love the 6 line version and the way Line 1 married 2, 3 married 4, and 5 married 6. It’s just a gorgeous poem you’ve written. I’ve never read anything like it. If we have a contest you should submit Let Anxieties Abate.

      Comment


      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Hi Sister Greed, I was only joking about the poll so don't worry and absolutely no need for an apology. I'm grateful for any advice, editing support and I am encouraged by your responses. I'm still finding my way and have learned a lot from other fabulous writers here at the Zone and I look forward to learning from you too.

    • #12
      I always learn a lot here! It’s a brilliant group of writers!

      Comment

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