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Who I Am

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  • Who I Am

    Somewhere between the schism
    Of what will be and all that's been
    There exists a simple prism
    That can bend the course of men
    Despite the path yesterday wends
    Or the count of breaths until my last
    Who I am is the prismed lens
    Through which each new choice will pass
    Last edited by BiocideJ; 11-20-2017, 11:10 AM.

  • #2
    This is a GREAT poem!

    Succinct truths, eloquently stated.

    It is the kind of work, I would love to print, and keep on my desk, as a reminder.


    • #3
      I like your flow.

      Line 6 seems to need an article ,'the'. Or else it doesn't seem to connect... It would be (despite) the count of. Not (despite) count of.
      Minor but this was a nicely crafted Lil piece thankya


      • #4
        Great to see your name in the queue BiocideJ! Profound subject matter here - handled beautifully with some of those phrasings. I stumble a bit only on the last line as it's not my way of speaking/thinking. A simpler "Through which each moment passes" seems more in keeping with the rhythm of the beginning lines, to my ear. I'm guessing you went for a more formal sound because of the subject matter?


        • #5
          I was with you up to the last line, Biocide. Then .... what Rhymist said.

          I can see you're preserving the rhyme, but it's a Pyrrhic victory when the syntax is sacrificed like that.


          • #6
            Nine lies pass then
            there's a lot of Ditto
            in the comment stream.
            To Rhymist's light
            I add my beam.


            • #7
              Thank you all for your great critiques. I have made changes to reflect your feedback. As many of you noticed, that last line was a grammatical contortion to shove the sentence into the phrasing I wanted.
              This version relaxes that syntactical strain and has the happy dual effect of being more in line with what I'm meaning. (Referring to the choices we make each new moment)

              Thank you for the comments and the challenge to improve.


              • #8
                Thumbs up.


                • #9
                  Simply Maaaavellous!!!!!