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Under My Skin

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  • Under My Skin

    Under My Skin

    Under my covers safe and sound
    Until thoughts of you come around
    To keep me awake till daylight breaks
    Then clarity dawns amongst the yawns
    Of sleepless nights when I begin
    To see what bothers is that you were never
    Under the covers of my unmade mind
    In sleepless nights as I now find
    Even by day; held within: under my skin
    Last edited by mooneyblack; 11-14-2017, 03:46 AM.

  • #2
    This is really good.

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Awe thanks, Paula. I wish I had your skill and knowledge of form; I tend to spew it out and hope for the best!

  • #3
    It's strange that a cocoon
    of bedclothes should feel
    a safe space, yet within
    the hard crusted shell
    of bricks and mortar

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Yes indeed, I generally feel safe there unless there is a spider in the room! No verse on spiders please - I'm genuinely terrified of them.

  • #4
    I like how this moves from 'under my covers' to 'under my skin'. The structure is very interesting: a rhyming couplet, followed by two lines where the rhyme is internal, then a, b, c, c, a, with b containing a consonance that almost rhymes. It imparts a winsome music to the piece. I like how you've used the phrase 'unmade mind' - nicely done!

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Grant. I take credit for the move from covers to skin and unmade mind - as for structure - being honest that's just the way it arrived from my through other mind and when I read it aloud to myself I felt comfortable with it. Your reference to music is interesting as I have just recently attended a songwriting course so perhaps there are some melodies lurking in this otherwise tuneless head of mine. Many thanks for the feedback

  • #5
    Definite musicality to this, mooneyblack! As everyone else has said, the flow of this from covers to skin, from couplet through other rhyming forms is very well done!
    Last edited by Muttado1sb; 11-17-2017, 06:49 AM.

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Muttado1sb. I wish I could sing; perhaps I do, inside! Glad you stopped by.

  • #6
    I like how you used unmade mind. I got a little stuck on the line : to see what bothers .....: I really like it.

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, AtL; I wandered my way through this one and so glad you like it.

  • #7
    Yes, great concepts dancing through your lines. Maybe your a double threat. Sing and Dance to you’re heart’s content mb!

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Bobby; Can't sing, can't dance although in my mind I can!

  • #8
    I agree with the others.

    I especially liked:

    Under the covers of my unmade mind

    Comment


    • mooneyblack
      mooneyblack commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Dwayne; yes, that seems a popular line and is a fairly clear reflection of my messy mind at times.
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