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  • Workward

    All southward ride I dwell
    outside the dirty glass, on water
    and huddled hills, along
    the common vector, among
    the mundane mysteries:
    fellow strangers biding,
    caught in wishes and screens.
    The aisle between us, quiet
    upon our thrones, is canyon;
    drift of morning through the panes
    is intimate as breath.

    The hazel tide is up, the trellises,
    oyster-crusted, vanish
    under sheets of sun;
    the pillar bases piled
    bridgeless rise as river's jaw,
    bared at east; the heedless
    Tasman trails medusae
    down and up the mouth.
    All is the plain, forever foreign
    speech of light, the music
    bowed from our veins.

    The city's remembered voices over
    crumbled sandstone, under
    birds, could be a ruin's
    echo or hidden hive,
    till I arrive there in its truth,
    and then the roots of steel,
    and struts of need,
    and surfaces of dens are teeming
    in all their pillage, beckoning me
    but leaning away
    to brush of beauty, rushing.
    Last edited by grant hayes; Yesterday, 05:40 PM.

  • #2
    Note: 'bowed' in the last line of the second stanza rhymes with 'road'. It refers to the action of a bow on a stringed instrument.

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    • #3
      This takes me on a journey not rushed but feels as though it paces itself to allow me to savour the images and enjoy the ride. Love this one as well Grant

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        It wasn't so carefully controlled as some things I've written, Parkinsonspoet. I think that when I write something from direct experience and don't tinker with it too much, it's less dense and more relatable. The 'Best' approach

    • #4
      Grant, did you take the ferry to work instead of the train? Many visions to absorb on the way to work. I hope work was as easy as the ride.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Bobby, my routine train journey involves passing alongside some lovely bushland waterways. I enjoy watching the familiar vistas open up through the window. Sometimes the oyster leases are covered by the tide, other times visible above the water. There are the remains of an old bridge - just stone pylons now - alongside the current bridge over the river. There are many people who do take the ferry to work, but that is in another part of the city.

    • #5
      What beauty in this reflection. You really know how to appreciate and absorb the world around you.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you for the suggestions, Rhymist. 'is continent as tryst' certainly fits the rhythm, and has a crisp sound. I like the brevity and sense of 'tryst', so I will let that knock about in my head with the locution circus. That use of 'continent' might be a little too dry, despite the rhythmic fit. It makes me think of possible homophones though. All good grist for the mill.

      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I've retained 'intimate' and changed 'whisper' to 'breath'. Not sure if that's how it will stay, but it outflanks the cliché, I think. I have to let it sit for a while.

      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        I like it.

    • #6
      The beauty in this is wonderful, grant! To turn a train ride to work into such contemplative poetry. And I love the dichotomies of the train full of people who are yet separated by canyons; the city based on sandstone but rooted in steel. To use your phrase, many likes!

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I'm pleased to learn that you enjoyed the ride, Muttado, and that you found beauty in the images.

    • #7
      What a beautiful journey - some phrases just jumped out at me: I dwell outside the dirty glass, caught in wishes and screens, the music bowed from our veins, and all of the last verse - just a poem on its own. What's the phrase you use? Ah Bravo, Zesta - Love it

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you, mooneyblack! That you single out the last verse is a pleasant surprise; I was not quite content with it. Sometimes I have to rein in such discontent, as it can prompt me to edit something to death.

      • mooneyblack
        mooneyblack commented
        Editing a comment
        Oh no need to tinker anymore with it Grant; I think anyway but I stand in awe and am grateful that I can connect with this lovely painting of your journey.

    • #8
      The imagery in this is astounding, there is so much to uncover here, you've taken us on quite the ride, grant. A true masterpiece.

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        A pleasure to have you visit, Darthvader. I'm glad to have produced something that's engaging. Many thanks for your lovely compliment.

    • #9
      The beauty of the workday scene
      (Unseen by others on this train?)
      polished and given
      the scrivener's sheen

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      • #10
        I can’t add much to what has already been stated Grant. This is a ride to enjoy - great imagery.

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        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          Alexandra, thank you for joining this train ride

      • #11
        Ah, I could indeed be described as a scrivener, Johntee. I wouldn't be the first to work at redeeming his dutiful wordage with attempts at verse. One feels impelled to hack away until some light leaks in.

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        • Johntee
          Johntee commented
          Editing a comment
          Attempt suggests
          lack of success
          but this is nothing less
          than excess.
          A really lovely piece
          drawn by a Romantic's eye.

      • #12
        This is a vivid image, but the artistry in this poem, is beyond the eloquent description.

        The brilliance of this, is that it conjures the SENSATION of a man taking a panoramic view, across the landscape.

        Your surgical diction, and the rhythm of this poem are such effective devices!

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        • #13
          Ah, if I have conjured sensation in that way, then I am gladdened thereby, Dwayne. The piece was written during such a journey. A couple of phrases rework images I had previously written. Many thanks for such attentive reading and kind feedback.

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