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From here the star

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  • From here the star

    Deleted
    Last edited by grant hayes; 12-25-2017, 05:58 PM.

  • #2
    I prefer the third edition.

    Literally taken, I visualized a meteor disintegrating as it enters earth's atmosphere.

    Or have I missed the mark?

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      No mark-missing need be supposed, Dwayne. It is what you make it. I like the third edit too.

  • #3
    In distortion,
    atmospheric.

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      In absorption,
      esoteric.

  • #4
    I know I am a simpleton. I don't mean that as derogatory. That is why I cannot always respond to your verse.
    I see this verse as perfectly simple and beautiful. I see you reclined watching a falling star and wondering of it’s history. As it tumbles toward it’s destruction, what life did it live? As we tumble toward our destruction will someone wonder about our lives, our loves, about the us that might have been. Will they take the time to write a verse to our memory?
    Last edited by rhymetime; 10-06-2017, 04:12 PM.

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      One man's simpleton is another's sage. Your interpretation, as ever, is insightful and a joy to read.

  • #5
    I agree with Dwayne. I like the third one.

    Comment


    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      I agree with you both

  • #6
    The most captivating line for me in this piece is "the shrug tilts all to pieces". As if indifference itself motivates the movement.

    Comment


    • amenOra
      amenOra commented
      Editing a comment
      It is a very strong line! much rests on it ;P

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Hahahahaha, amenOra - good one.

      The universe has forces of such vastly casual severity, Rhymist, that 'shrug' seemed an apt verb.

  • #7
    I prefer the first, meaning with no punctuation. Then I enjoyed the revised added-to ver. But throng of loves, to my ear, just begs to be situated next to an article: 'the' throng of loves. it was 'a' or 'the' throng of loves, yea? what the ripple made different, changed.

    Comment


    • amenOra
      amenOra commented
      Editing a comment
      and affray is nice. blue shift makes me think of red-shift, something to do with cosmological constants and background radiation. heh.

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Yes, blue shift is meant to have that association, amenOra.

      I'll consider an unpunctuated version again for my definitive edit.

      I do like to omit articles definite and indefinite if I feel they slow the flow. I am, in general, terribly callous toward beggars.

    • amenOra
      amenOra commented
      Editing a comment
      and I don't know why anyone would have a problem with that. There is some thrill in a well constructed sentence, even more when you can pare it down -- double if you can pare it before it hits the page as writing, sort of catch it with a net.

      Being conscious of the words we use and writing, is important, in this way and others. Kudos--

  • #8
    Under a natural roof of stars

    One ponders who we are

    Insignificant?

    How to fill the voids between

    Will love suffice

    That’s what I get from the poem, I prefer the last posting.

    Comment


    • #9
      I now prefer the last posting too, divot.

      I don't think we are insignificant, just very, very vulnerable. In the universe, suns go pop all the time. Love is greater, qualitatively, but will get no quarter from the astrophysics, by and by.

      Comment


      • amenOra
        amenOra commented
        Editing a comment
        Which is why we poets are gifted with Vision, to see into those same worlds With different lenses perhaps As we draw the personal line as to what we'll believe And end up buying stock in incredulity.

        Guess it's like the line from Carl Sagan, "Should have sent a poet." Like the dehumanized scalpel can sometimes be, detriment to some environment, and then thought's pathogen grown oversized snuff itself out.

        Something. :P

      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        "Like the dehumanized scalpel can sometimes be, detriment to some environment, and then thought's pathogen grown oversized snuff itself out."

        That's brilliant, amenOra. Poetry right there. Best that's read me in a while.

        I have no gift of vision. I just make weird sing-song out of scraps whirling down the drain.

    • #10
      I like the third version too; there's a hint of lovers in this, to me anyway and I'll say no more - other than I like it very much.

      Comment


      • #11
        Hint of lovers, mooneyblack? That is fascinating. You may be interested to know that when I read it over yesterday, a new meaning for the whole thing occurred to me, of which I had no notion when I wrote it. I like it when a piece can do that. Thank you so much for sharing your hint; it is delightful.

        Comment


        • #12
          Ahhh Grant where do I begin. I like number3 best.but I would have been perfectly happy with the first one if I hadn't seen any more. Having waded through explanation after explanation here and looking at this in a way that has been explained to me in a critique I have come to a new conclusion. Yes okay sometimes because we are poets we over think and get convoluted. Like excited children words are our toys and sometimes we get more out than we need to play with. However that is not where we are today. Our own individual interpretations cannot exceed what we can't concieve. Sometimes when I read these lengthy discussions I think outside of my usual range of thoughts because of a concept used by someone elset hat I would never have related to the text. That can be highly rewarding. The largest rewards come when other poets add to your perspective here. There is a joy that I can sense in the musings here. So Grant you keep doing what you doing as you are not only poet but today also ringmaster bringing a poetic circus that no-one else could supply here. Grant your contribution is great here and may be poetic marmite but spread across the zone the marmite is popular here.

          Grant I must howver move to another matter calling someones poetry crap is abusive so please desist. Even if it is your own poem self abuse could make you go blind. Sorry I couldn't resist.

          Comment


          • #13
            Hahahahaha, nice one Parkinsonspoet.

            This is such an interesting observation of yours, about how the discussions and musings here take your thought into unexpected directions. I've seen how you've used that in your own poems. If that happens, and joy emerges as well, then I am very pleased.

            Ringmaster Marmite has an appealing sound.

            Comment


            • #14
              Hello Grant, This is a great one, the language is powerful and so poetic, especially so, 'teeming cradle of eyes', I read that to be the night sky and how you shift the blur of blue, is just sublime.
              I found the word 'ball' unbecoming the poem, would orb or sphere not alliteratively enhance the flow or am I talking through my arse which I am often known to do. That being said, accolades galore for this one. You are in fine fettle I hope, Tony.
              Last edited by Tony Grannell; 10-15-2017, 06:31 AM.

              Comment


              • #15
                I hear you about 'ball', Tony, and have decided to go with your suggestion. It works alliteratively, and echoes the 'here' ten beats earlier. It's now in my Version 4 of this much-tinkered piece, which I have attached beneath the originally posted prototype. From one arse-talker to another, I thank you.

                I'm glad you found this one to your liking. Fettle is fine, many thanks.

                Comment

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