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Desert Rose

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  • Desert Rose

    Desert Rose

    Disconsolate, you can feel his heart breaking
    Watching his heaving chest from painful breathing
    Desolate eyes now strained from holding back tears
    He knows he will love her until the moon is no more


    Remembering how her heart blossomed as the desert rose
    In his mind, he can still see the day he fell deeply
    They were young and knew nothing could destroy their feelings
    For they were convinced love is stronger than death


    Her lifeless body now like Babylon's uninhabited wasteland
    He cradles her in his arms as he gently strokes her cheeks
    Kissing her one last time with all the love he's ever felt
    Agonizing and helpless--resigned, tears stream down his face
    Last edited by AlexandratheLate; 09-13-2017, 06:50 PM.

  • #2
    Suggestions on improving this would be appreciated.

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    • #3
      good image - desert rose.

      the one thing i can think that was sort of jagged was the repeat of the word 'love' in stanza two; especially the end of the line for both? I personally try to verr away from repeating words without meaning and intent, else the "quality" of feeling is threatened to be lost! Perhaps just replace the one syllable word - love? first instance or second, you could change.

      But this was good. I have been really working on how to put vastness into perspective. Lil tricks like the likening her body to abandoned Babylon. Nice! Very "poetic".

      Ends with a nice mood. It shows that extreme "clutching" of emotion, which can -- bring one to one's knees.

      Thanks for sharing, "Alexander"!

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      • #4
        Thank you very much amenOra for your suggestions. I changed it a bit - I agree with you.

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        • #5


          This is some of your best work!

          Each heart-wrenching, beautiful stanza!

          Especially the last.

          Outstanding!

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          • #6
            Thank you very much for your wonderful comment Dwayne.

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            • #7
              Being beyond me to
              improve others work,
              I offer Evanascent
              as a complement
              that you may see
              its' patrimony.

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              • #8
                Thank you very much Johntee.

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                • #9
                  This verse to me is like a great painting. I can visualize each emotion, the love, the loss. the memories, the eternal goodbye. I see the landscape that sets the lovers in a final yet eternal embrace.

                  Simply beautiful

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                  • #10
                    Thank you very much Rhymetime. I really appreciate it.

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                    • #11
                      As helpless as the fallen petals, as tears streak down his face. Tie the ending to the title. Would be my suggestion.

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                      • #12
                        Thank you very much Divot. I love your suggestion.

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                        • #13
                          Apparently the changes you made to this piece were right on point I didn't get to see the original post but whatever you did . . . it's awesome now! I can really feel the sense of loss the man experiences! The first and last stanzas are riveting! Well done AlexandratheLate! I agree with DWAYNE one of your finest pieces! By the way,if you have time, could you tell me what you think of my story poem 'The Locket"
                          Last edited by Rhymeboy; 09-18-2017, 01:36 PM.

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                          • #14
                            Thank you very much Rhymeboy for reading and commenting.

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                            • #15
                              You have painted a very vivid scene here, heartbreaking and one to which I can relate. Thank you

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