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  • Blackbird

    Blackbird


    Close the door you said to me
    Hush-the walls have eager ears
    The shrouded full moon is cast
    Trust no one, black bird whistles

    Do not get lost in your dreams
    shifty eyes are everywhere
    Lying whispers reach the skies
    Skeletons are buried here
    Last edited by AlexandratheLate; 08-09-2017, 03:14 AM.

  • #2
    I like the mystery invoked in these few lines Alex. Intriguing!

    Comment


    • AlexandratheLate
      AlexandratheLate commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you very much Paula. I really appreciate it.

    • AlexandratheLate
      AlexandratheLate commented
      Editing a comment
      Paula I added more to this because it didn't feel finished.

  • #3
    Great imagery Alexandra. Lock the door from the outside!

    Comment


    • #4
      Hey Bobby my friend, thank you very much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.

      Comment


      • #5
        I initially encountered this as just the first stanza, and I can understand why you might want to continue the piece, although I liked it as it stood. The second stanza is much too expository, in my opinion; it undermines the suggestive power of the first with melodrama. The third stanza works better, taking up the more suggestive tone again.

        Comment


        • AlexandratheLate
          AlexandratheLate commented
          Editing a comment
          Grant, I see what you said. I changed it. What do you think now?

        • grant hayes
          grant hayes commented
          Editing a comment
          It's not all that different, Alexandra. The imagery and phrasing of stanza two have a kind of 'stock' feel to them; *sweet as honey* and *sharp like daggers* are shopworn similes, and *foul smelling breath* is blandly prosy, to my ear. But you don't have to change it; it's your poem.

      • #6
        I still wasn't happy with the second stanza but I was trying to convey how people can appear to be your friends and act sweet and on the other hand say terrible things about you. So I took that stanza out and decided the first and second conveyed mystery and is open to interpretation but still allude to what I want. Thank you for reading and your input.

        Comment


        • #7
          I liked it when it was just one stanza, but you've never written anything that I didn't like.

          Comment


          • AlexandratheLate
            AlexandratheLate commented
            Editing a comment
            Thank you so much Bobby my friend for reading and commenting and your continued support

        • #8
          I see the finished product.
          It obeys your wish
          in every respect.

          Comment


          • AlexandratheLate
            AlexandratheLate commented
            Editing a comment
            Thank you very much Johntee

        • #9
          I'm sort of like the rest - I liked it at one stanza too. But even if I didn't catch all of your editing process along the way, I think the second stanza says what you meant it to also (from looking at your other comments).

          Comment


          • #10
            Thank you very much RLW for the input. The general consensus was the lone stanza worked.

            Comment


            • #11
              Thank you very much TonySP for the like 😊

              Comment


              • #12
                Hi Alexandra, after a brief glance at the previous comments you have received on this piece it seems you're still playing around with additions and cuts to it. I usually lean more towards shorter poetry myself, so I definitely feel like 8 lines can be enough to make for an impactful poem and, also, that what you already have here is a solid enough platform to work with.

                I think you've made a really good job with the meter - trochaic tetrameter with the final unstressed syllable docked. Additionally the poem has some really solid aural qualities, but I'll pick up on that as I work through it.

                One small change which I think could benefit this poem would be to italicise the lines which are being spoken by someone other than the speaker, just to help cement those words as coming from someone else. I assume that Close the door is one such example of that, and in the case that the majority of the poem is also spoken by someone else I'd go for the reverse approach and italicise the speaker's words (for example, you said to me,)instead.

                Line 3 would be one I suggest you have a think about as I don't think it is metrically consistent with the established meter. Although beginning with the definite article 'The' is, perhaps, more grammatically conventional, I feel like you need a clear stressed syllable to begin the line. I would also consider losing 'full' from 'full moon' - I don't feel like the idea of a full moon is integral to the image, especially when it is shrouded, and I feel like it is hard to avoid placing stress upon both full and moon here, so losing one and going with just 'shrouded moon', especially if it was the beginning of the line, would keep your meter in check. You would then have another two syllables to play with in the rest of the line - now, this is just a hack suggestion, but something like 'shrouded moon is cast askew' would maintain the malevolent air of the stanza.

                Line 5 could also be viewed as a slight metrical variation, however I'd be very careful in tinkering with that one as it possesses great aural qualities, namely 'do not get lost' - there's a nice assonance with 'not' and 'lost', and the use of three mute-consonant t's in 'not get lost' sounds as foreboding as the words themselves imply. The trouble, for me, is that I think the stressed syllables fall on 'not' and 'lost', rather than 'do' and 'get'. I think in a phrase which reads and sounds like a warning, the stresses would definitely fall on the imperative words of not and lost. Luckily, I think there's a relatively easy fix. How would it sound to you to go with 'and do not get lost in dreams' - I feel like a stressed 'and' could definitely work, especially since it'd be accentuated by the stanza break, and you'd maintain the aural appeal of the line as well as the metrical pattern.

                Lines 6-8 have a strong sense of sibilance running throughout. I think it works perfectly with the tone of the poem, like a hissed warning, and my only suggestion would be to consider if you could use a more active and evocative word than 'reach'? Again, a bit of a hack suggestion, but would 'touch the skies' work for you?

                I like what you have created here, I really don't think it needs much work before it's done.

                Comment


                • AlexandratheLate
                  AlexandratheLate commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Thank you very much MrY. I really appreciate your taking the time to read and critique my poem. I really like your suggestions and will incorporate them on my rough draft first. Thank you so much.
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