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different than them.

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  • different than them.

    having a large family is
    sometimes good/sometimes bad
    there are only three kids here now, but
    they are too much most of the
    time, too; and they know how
    to press the buttons of everyone.

    when kids get so mean it reminds me
    how we used to be when younger we
    would fight, pin the other down;
    me, I was the youngest, so I watched
    a lot of it. I know all types of
    manipulative tactics. I grew up with
    criminals, and so I know
    'incredulity can save you some
    -- if there was something
    you didn't want to lose.
    I have to look at some people
    around me, and see the way they
    have that flash-- animal behind glass--
    the eyes which do not care,
    might even invite malevolence.
    little red haired boy up to no good--
    or his older sister, slap-happy,
    looking to start an argument with
    her mother my sister.

    the practices of 'calmness', 'restriction';
    even the earnest sentiments expressed:
    a slap in the face, as they laugh
    at the way you react.
    so am I not supposed to have feelings,
    then? the debates with myself.
    I remember when they sent me to the
    hospital, a few months back.

    "I'll have you commited," said my sister.
    I punched my brother, and she
    and I started with the pushing.
    I ended up on my back in the kitchen
    with three of them on me.
    Suzy wrote an affidavit that she feared
    for her children:
    because of this they kept me, in-patient.
    I have been in the hospital
    enough that it didn't much matter.

    one time I and Suzy were arguing
    in the same kitchen, but day-lit.
    I ended up with a butter knife,
    and since she acted afraid i'd do something
    with said knife, I did; but to myself;
    I "stabbed" myself, and drew blood,
    from my scalp I saw it on my fingers after.
    Her son called the police,
    they came. He never calls the police
    when anyone else yells.

    the way I have been violent, I thought
    had a purpose;
    the way they are malefic
    towards one another--
    to me it is like a trance, and very evil since
    I have had to watch for close to
    thirty years this trance
    disappear in me and others for a while until
    we thought that it wasn't there;
    and then, new boyfriends
    for my older sisters-- it wraps around
    and catches us-- Abuse.

    We learned to scream at each other
    together, and hate,
    and maybe if we really fought
    it out, instead of
    this pussy-footing around, maybe then
    we might be calm and able
    to look into another's eyes
    and smile-- or even, not lie.

    for me, I fear any amends made
    knowing that later
    disappointment will only break my heart
    i've pined for a resolve,
    but without knowing 'what' I wished would stop--
    or how it could be done.

    the kids of my siblings have grown
    to inherit these bad problematic relationship
    issues, which I am not far enough away from
    to even make a difference.
    I stay sane knowing they
    are in other rooms than I am,
    and that I don't have to pretend
    that I'm different than them.
    Last edited by amenOra; 07-25-2017, 02:29 PM.

  • #2
    interesting write amenOra you took me all the way through. Was not sure where we were going, but I stayed with you. I felt all the characters. IS the speaker you, if you do not mind me asking? The deep psychological twists and turns show a talent for keen observation or introspection. I like it.


    • #3
      I too felt the surge of the writer reasoning with self carrying me through this. And these lines:

      for me, I fear any amends made
      knowing that later
      disappointment will only break my heart
      i've pined for a resolve,
      but without knowing 'what' I wished would stop--
      or how it could be done.

      nearly breaks my heart.
      Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 07-30-2017, 10:06 PM.


      • Suz-zen
        Suz-zen commented
        Editing a comment
        those lines rang out to me too RLW. powerful, eh?

    • #4
      I have now read this three times. I wanted to analyse just the poetry and somehow remain detached yet I find I can't. Parts of it make me want to intervene scream no there is a better way. What more praise can I give than I read it and it feels real.


      • #5
        Yes! That's is it! Ir does feel real. So real that I ached for the Teller of the story and for Suzy and the others too ! Some very good work here. Deep - what I like.


        • #6
          Yes, it feels real. I feel pulled into it so then feel powerless because I can't change the story. Quite an emotional trip, amenOra!


          • #7
            You've accomplished that most difficult thing: a piece that works as both prose and poem. I am amazed at how you've managed to merge a poetic cadence with colloquial prose phrasing. You make personal history step beyond itself, while retaining its natural, human tone.


            • #8
              This came very naturally for me, as did the other piece 'this way' which I wrote soon after this. Enjoyable to go back to the autobiographical territory... I hit a vein, and began writing like mad. And then I was looking, brooding up a poem, and decided I needed to not escape through writing. That maybe I should just chill. So that's what I'm doing.

              This was satisfying in that it came so easily, and I needed to work out some things and see them on the page. Cuz I know this stuff well.

              Now I deal with the profane thought that I'm using writing as a crutch, and maybe I should not escape so far, in this way, at this point. Stew in what's here. It's Sunday. I feel as if writing is all that's left. Which isn't true. I'm in a funk lol.

              lala, thanks for the comments, I am glad you all stopped by-- peace!


              • #9
                Thank you for this honesty. It is a stew I have been in. When it 'comes easily' I find it has marinated for a long time and it was ready to be put on the page. I have heard and j experience a time of recuperation after these types of pieces. They are for me a letting go- along with a metamorphosis.
                Bravo. The funk is the hard process of the deep poet. Sending you light. You are powerful.