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having a large family is
sometimes good/sometimes bad
there are only three kids here now, but
they are too much most of the
time, too; and they know how
to press the buttons of everyone.
when kids get so mean it reminds me
how we used to be when younger we
would fight, pin the other down;
me, I was the youngest, so I watched
a lot of it. I know all types of
manipulative tactics. I grew up with
criminals, and so I know
'incredulity can save you some
heartbreak' -- if there was something
you didn't want to lose.
I have to look at some people
around me, and see the way they
have that flash-- animal behind glass--
the eyes which do not care,
might even invite malevolence.
little red haired boy up to no good--
or his older sister, slap-happy,
looking to start an argument with
her mother my sister.
the practices of 'calmness', 'restriction';
even the earnest sentiments expressed:
a slap in the face, as they laugh
at the way you react.
so am I not supposed to have feelings,
then? the debates with myself.
I remember when they sent me to the
hospital, a few months back.
"I'll have you commited," said my sister.
I punched my brother, and she
and I started with the pushing.
I ended up on my back in the kitchen
with three of them on me.
Suzy wrote an affidavit that she feared
for her children:
because of this they kept me, in-patient.
I have been in the hospital
enough that it didn't much matter.
one time I and Suzy were arguing
in the same kitchen, but day-lit.
I ended up with a butter knife,
and since she acted afraid i'd do something
with said knife, I did; but to myself;
I "stabbed" myself, and drew blood,
from my scalp I saw it on my fingers after.
Her son called the police,
they came. He never calls the police
when anyone else yells.
the way I have been violent, I thought
had a purpose;
the way they are malefic
towards one another--
to me it is like a trance, and very evil since
I have had to watch for close to
thirty years this trance
disappear in me and others for a while until
we thought that it wasn't there;
and then, new boyfriends
for my older sisters-- it wraps around
and catches us-- Abuse.
We learned to scream at each other
together, and hate,
and maybe if we really fought
it out, instead of
this pussy-footing around, maybe then
we might be calm and able
to look into another's eyes
and smile-- or even, not lie.
for me, I fear any amends made
knowing that later
disappointment will only break my heart
again--
i've pined for a resolve,
but without knowing 'what' I wished would stop--
or how it could be done.
the kids of my siblings have grown
to inherit these bad problematic relationship
issues, which I am not far enough away from
to even make a difference.
I stay sane knowing they
are in other rooms than I am,
and that I don't have to pretend
that I'm different than them.
sometimes good/sometimes bad
there are only three kids here now, but
they are too much most of the
time, too; and they know how
to press the buttons of everyone.
when kids get so mean it reminds me
how we used to be when younger we
would fight, pin the other down;
me, I was the youngest, so I watched
a lot of it. I know all types of
manipulative tactics. I grew up with
criminals, and so I know
'incredulity can save you some
heartbreak' -- if there was something
you didn't want to lose.
I have to look at some people
around me, and see the way they
have that flash-- animal behind glass--
the eyes which do not care,
might even invite malevolence.
little red haired boy up to no good--
or his older sister, slap-happy,
looking to start an argument with
her mother my sister.
the practices of 'calmness', 'restriction';
even the earnest sentiments expressed:
a slap in the face, as they laugh
at the way you react.
so am I not supposed to have feelings,
then? the debates with myself.
I remember when they sent me to the
hospital, a few months back.
"I'll have you commited," said my sister.
I punched my brother, and she
and I started with the pushing.
I ended up on my back in the kitchen
with three of them on me.
Suzy wrote an affidavit that she feared
for her children:
because of this they kept me, in-patient.
I have been in the hospital
enough that it didn't much matter.
one time I and Suzy were arguing
in the same kitchen, but day-lit.
I ended up with a butter knife,
and since she acted afraid i'd do something
with said knife, I did; but to myself;
I "stabbed" myself, and drew blood,
from my scalp I saw it on my fingers after.
Her son called the police,
they came. He never calls the police
when anyone else yells.
the way I have been violent, I thought
had a purpose;
the way they are malefic
towards one another--
to me it is like a trance, and very evil since
I have had to watch for close to
thirty years this trance
disappear in me and others for a while until
we thought that it wasn't there;
and then, new boyfriends
for my older sisters-- it wraps around
and catches us-- Abuse.
We learned to scream at each other
together, and hate,
and maybe if we really fought
it out, instead of
this pussy-footing around, maybe then
we might be calm and able
to look into another's eyes
and smile-- or even, not lie.
for me, I fear any amends made
knowing that later
disappointment will only break my heart
again--
i've pined for a resolve,
but without knowing 'what' I wished would stop--
or how it could be done.
the kids of my siblings have grown
to inherit these bad problematic relationship
issues, which I am not far enough away from
to even make a difference.
I stay sane knowing they
are in other rooms than I am,
and that I don't have to pretend
that I'm different than them.
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