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  • Cliff Diving



    I'm experimenting with formatting today, and would appreciate feedback as to which of the two versions below you think reads better. Also comments on the poem itself are welcome.


    Cliff Diving - Version I

    Meet me there, on
    precipice where
    full moon bathes our
    bodies bare. We’ll
    dare our longest leap,
    side by shivered
    side, into still
    waters deep; off
    new shores, beyond
    bind of shadows’ keep.
    Fueled by beam of
    satin song-shine
    stitched through breaths, to
    hold for ages
    shards of broken hearts.


    Cliff Diving - Version II

    Meet me there, on precipice
    where full moon bathes our bodies,
    bare.

    We’ll dare our longest leap,
    side by shivered side into still waters deep;
    off new shores, beyond bind
    of shadows’ keep.

    Fueled by beam of
    satin song-shine stitched through breaths,
    to hold for ages
    shards of broken hearts.
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 07-17-2017, 10:08 AM. Reason: Comments keep me tinkering. :)

  • #2
    Format-wise I prefer the second version. The wrapped rhymes in the first made it feel more stilted to me and harder to read, and the lines seemed forced into the syllable count structure, not written to fit. Of the poem itself I like it, RLW! Both the literal sense of diving together off a precipice into water and the metaphorical sense of diving together into the unknown. Did you mean it to be ''breaths'' in the first version and ''breath'' in the second?

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you so much for the feedback! I was indeed trying to keep a 4-4-4-4-5 syllable count on the first version, which dictated the line breaks. I do that a lot, and was wondering how it affected other people's experience of reading it, because of course, in my head, I tend to read it the same way it came out when creating it, and ignore my own punctuation. This is helpful. Thanks.

      I did not mean for there to be a difference between versions - guess I got messy with my copying and pasting and trying to format - thank you for that catch! Only problem now is - I can't decide which I like better - singular or plural - breath or breaths! What do you think?

    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      Breaths. It goes better with shards and hearts.

    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Agreed. And edited to reflect as much. Thank you.

  • #3
    I prefer the second version, and agree with Muttado in general about the first. I like short lines and syllable counts, but they should never get in the way of flow.


    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Grant. I was particularly interested in what you'd think since you are such a master at finding just the right word to fit your count. So far it's been unanimous (I posted it to another site also for feedback) that version 2 is the reader preference. It makes me wonder how often in the past I've been less successful with the strict counts, but people were too polite to comment as such. Learning all the time here.

  • #4
    Coming back up for air,
    layout or line end rhymes
    is answered by your
    respondents. I offer,
    . . .your words shine.

    Comment


  • #5
    I love the poem and like those before me I too prefer the second version; it flows more easily

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks Karen. I may have to do some reconsidering on future works.

  • #6
    Hi RhymeLovingWriter I like them both! And for the reason that M 1 sb preferred the second!. The stilted sound made me feel as though I was on the edge of a cliff. Standing, unsure if the dive was going to happen. At the end when the, hold for ages
    shards of broken hearts
    , was written, I felt my toes on the cliff... where as in the second version I felt as though the line was diluted. Depending on the meaning you had hoped to portray as the 'voice' that is my input! The strict adherence to syllable count is not a 'thing' for me as you know.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you Suz-zen. I appreciate how you explained your reactions and reasoning (you're good at that BTW). I could amend the end of the second version to mirror the first for those last two lines, and hopefully replicate that effect. But the wider consideration now, for me at least, is how really important formatting is to the flow of a poem. It's not something I've given a lot of consideration to before, being more focused on getting the rhyme or rhythms right 'in my head'. I'm going to play around with this - it interests me a lot.

  • #7
    Meet me there,
    that clifftop where
    the cold moon burns
    our bodies, bare.

    We’ll dare to leap
    from silvered steep
    to spilling tide
    and down its deep

    ...

    Working with the four-syllable line and rhyme...

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      I LOVE it!

    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      Wow! A rare (relatively) uncomplicated 😉 and rhyming poem from grant hayes!

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      It's no more than a foray, I assure you.

  • #8
    much of the joy in poetry is that you can make your poem sing however you like! both versions are delightful, the second just flows a little easier.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Aw thanks LG! I've never met you, but whenever the moon comes up, in poetry or real life, your name pops to mind right along with it!

  • #9
    I love the second because it just flows and sings. The first is good but doesn't have the flow and seems more forced.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks Alex. You are definitely in the majority!

  • #10
    The beginning goes well, on the first "poem"; it is the middle which "sags"... um... And I just have to say the beginning was slam-dunk, made me think of crashing water. So it goes that I preferred the second, mostly for flow, "of course I guess?"

    But some reworking might meld the two, and provide a happy medium. To magnify, it's the clash of consonants, I believe tat causes the breaking of flow. I even think the second version is more pleasing because it's more natural. I wonder how you originally wrote it?-- Maybe that can be some food for thought, what you had in mind and then what it splintered off into.

    I see the synesthesia, "song-shine", however I wonder if a more concrete compound phrase might work? I dunn0. Reminds me of the silvery-white on the edges of liquid, mirage from light.

    In conclusion, both versions had something good about them. Is there even a debate anymore as to which is best?-- Either way it's a good, wondrous piece. Thankya for sharing!

    Comment

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