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Prayer of Jesus, plainer

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  • Prayer of Jesus, plainer

    Father of us all,
    who is far above the sky,
    your name is sacred and rightly honoured!

    Bring on that time when it’s clear that you rule,
    yes, let your will be done right here, on earth,
    just like it is in that place beyond.

    Give us what we need for the day,
    and forgive us for all the ways we’ve failed you,
    just as we forgive those who fail us.

    And please, don’t put us to the test,
    but rather keep us safe from evil.
    May it be so.

    For everything is yours
    – rule, power, and glory –
    forever and always, yes, truly!

  • #2
    An attempt to translate 'The Lord's Prayer' in such a way that it is made 'fresh', recasting timeworn phrasing in plainer English. My challenge was to stay true to the sense of the original text, and maybe enable some aspects to stand out more clearly. I have tried to find ways of expressing concepts like 'trespasses', 'heaven', 'kingdom' , and 'Amen' that make more immediate sense to contemporary eyes and ears. And, of course, I have opted for current pronouns in place of archaic 'thy' and 'thine'.
    Last edited by grant hayes; 07-14-2017, 03:03 AM.

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    • #3
      I like the don't put us to the test. The indescribable tone "shift" at the beginning of the poem, the introduction, did create that mood. Like a thanksgivingness. Yes. This is well, I just stumbled over this quote I'll show you, which is much longer, and beautiful all the same.:

      "Great spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds and whose breath gives life to all in the world, Hear me! I am small and I am weak and I need your strength and wisdom. Let me walk in beauty and let my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunsets that you have created with me; make my hands respect the things that you have made, and my ears sharp to hear your words and your voice; let me learn the lessons that you have hidden under every rock and leaf. I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always come to you with clean hands and straight eye so that when my life fades as the fading sunset, my spirit can come to you without shame. Amen."

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        That is a noble prayer, amenOra; thank you for sharing it here. I particularly like the simile of fading life/sunset, and the notion of self-as-enemy.

    • #4
      Before Faith abjured all else,

      votive Hope pledged the price,

      bargaining with Spirit of Place

      to turn aside the twists of life.

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Your 70th post, Johntee. Reminds me of AD 70, when the end of days came to Zion, fallen to a fat-necked Flavian and his legions.

        Your four-line response is enigmatic and most intriguing. I don't get it, but never mind; it's a music worth pondering.

    • #5
      Masterfully done Grant. I was on a retreat many years ago when we were encouraged to take a passage of scripture and put it into our own words. I chose Psalm 8 and it came out like this:

      My Lord and God,
      The vastness of Your being astounds us.
      There is no other like You to be called God.

      To the young and innocent You reveal a wisdom
      That could silence those who hate Your Name.

      In the clear blue sky, which You created,
      The awesome nature that surrounds us –
      We are so small in this reality – how can You notice us?

      Yet You tell us we are beloved – made by You – saved by You – to live one day with You forever.

      You ask us to care for this earth and for the plants and animals, though subject to us, with which we live.

      My Lord and God,
      The vastness of Your being astounds us.

      April 28, 2004 Knowles Mercy Spirituality Center, NE 2nd Day of 6-day silent retreat

      Now that I read again, these many years having past, it seems a bit stilted to me. Perhaps I'll try again with some other verse? You may have started yet another new pathway for my poetic wanderings Grant - and bless you for it!

      PS (I also like the play on plainer/planer - He was a carpenter, after all.)

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        I see you've been down this path before, Rhymist. Your rendering of Psalm 8 flows just fine, not 'stilted'.

        I had been reading some theological debates online, on the Lord's Prayer in particular, and wondered whether I could come up with a version of it that was free of the formulaic phrasing that blurs away its meaning through familiarity.

      • amenOra
        amenOra commented
        Editing a comment
        Yeah, I agree with Grant... I didn't notice the same thing you did. I enjoyed this. How can You notice us?
        Because we noticed You.

    • #6
      a beautiful rendering!

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      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        Thank you, lunar glide!

    • #7
      Nicely met self-challenge, grant! A couple small quibbles: With your first line, your change almost seems anti-grant hayesean, going from the simple ''Our father'' to a wordier ''Father of us all'' that doesn't change, clarify, or simplify the meaning and doesn't flow as well; and your last words, ''yes, truly'' almost seems a flippant way to close.
      Last edited by Muttado1sb; 07-14-2017, 01:49 PM.

      Comment


      • grant hayes
        grant hayes commented
        Editing a comment
        The whole thing has more words in it, Muttado. I changed 'thy kingdom come' into 'Bring on that time when it's clear that you rule', for instance. My aim was to use plain English constructions that interpret the meaning of the phrases, in contrast to the more concise traditional renderings, which can blunt meaning through over familiarity. So yes, overall this little exercise moves contrary to my typical tendency of radical concision.

        'Yes, truly' is an attempt to render 'Amen' in plain(er) English. That's pretty much what Amen means - an emphatic affirmation. A characteristic introductory phrase uttered by Jesus is 'Truly, I say unto you...', so I thought 'truly' would be apposite here.

        I wanted to make this translation different from the very start, against expectations, so I amplified the standard 'Our Father' into 'Father of us all'. It's simply a kind of calling card for difference.

      • Muttado1sb
        Muttado1sb commented
        Editing a comment
        Yes, it is a different approach for you. And since that is what you were aiming for I therefore withdraw my quibble of the first line. :-) As for the ''yes, truly!'' I understand the meaning of amen, - yea, verily; so may it be; huzzah; or yes, truly among others - so maybe it is the exclamation point that rings my bell. Amen in a prayer usually (in my limited experience) does not have an exclamation mark. But it is meant to be an exclamation, or emphatic affirmation, so again maybe just me.

      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Hang out with some Pentecostals sometime Muttado1sb. Their rousing "AMEN" is one of my favorite things about the way I've experienced their prayer.

    • #8
      I love it! Amen!

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      • #9
        Thank you, Bobby!

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        • #10
          I enjoyed what you did on this Grant.

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          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            Thank you, Alexandra; I appreciate that.

        • #11
          This makes it somehow more accessible which can only be good. Thankyou.

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          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            Thank you, mooneyblack; that is what I hoped to achieve.

        • #12
          I sence sarcasm! I laughed and read again. great.

          PS: i have not read any of the comments

          Comment


          • grant hayes
            grant hayes commented
            Editing a comment
            No sarcasm intended, rhymetime. I was interested to see if such an approach to translation would appeal to the people of faith who frequent this forum.
            Last edited by grant hayes; 07-18-2017, 02:34 PM.
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