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Temptations of Dead

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  • Temptations of Dead

    Temptations of Dead

    You entered through gate now forgotten –
    No meaning behind wretched doors,
    But lost souls – the tortured, downtrodden,
    You've fallen for devil – of course!

    For who could resist such temptation
    Of demons to dance around you?
    Who'd bother to pray for redemption?
    Who'd fall for such hell if he knew! –

    The truth: traitorous voices have silenced
    The words which still call for release
    Of soul in perpetual violence,
    Yet choice's yours to make – if you please.

    No threats of the thunderous voices,
    Still savored through thoughts in your head,
    Prevent you from making right choices
    And leave the temptations of dead.
    Last edited by AnatoliyS; 06-28-2017, 11:25 AM.

  • #2
    Choose wisely. I really enjoyed this Anatoliy.

    Comment


    • AnatoliyS
      AnatoliyS commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you, Alexandra!

  • #3
    Interesting line count on this one AnatoliyS. If I counted correctly, you penned two stanzas of 9/8/9/8, then one of 10/9/10/9, finishing up with a 9/8/9/8 count. Was there a specific reason to change the count? You have some creative slant rhyme too, and always with a message for reflection.

    Comment


    • #4
      Originally posted by RhymeLovingWriter View Post
      Interesting line count on this one AnatoliyS. If I counted correctly, you penned two stanzas of 9/8/9/8, then one of 10/9/10/9, finishing up with a 9/8/9/8 count. Was there a specific reason to change the count? You have some creative slant rhyme too, and always with a message for reflection.
      Hi RhymeLovingWriter ! Thank you for your comment!

      It could be just me but... I double checked the line count and it seems to be strict 9/8/9/8 all throughout.

      Then I looked again and double checked each word's syllables through my dictionary, finding out that "traitorous" has actually 4 syllables! I was trying to read it with 3, swallowing the "R" in the middle! I guess I have to rework that line, will see what I can do.

      However, this stanza is 10/8/9/8 - clearly out of rhythm, and done unintentionally. Not sure which one is 10/9/10/9?

      Thank you for editorial help, greatly appreciated!

      P.S. Don't you just hate when grammar gets in the way of your otherwise "perfect" rhythm?

      Comment


      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        LOL! Yes, I DO! Now I have to go back and count too because sometimes I slam syllables together (part of the Midwest accent?). When I recounted I realized I must have added some (for effect). Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't get around to visiting the zone until late in the evening when I should have been trying to sleep? Now I get a 10/8/10/9 on the 3rd stanza.

        The (1) truth (1): traitorous (3) voices (2) have (1) silenced (2) = 10
        The (1) words (1) which (1) still (1) call (1) for (1) release (2) = 8
        Of (1) soul (1) in (1) perpetual (4) violence (3), = 10
        Yet (1) choice's (2) yours (1) to (1) make (1) – if (1) you (1) please (1) = 9

        BTW - none of this makes any real difference IMHO about how nice your poem is. It's just that I'm learning to pay more attention to such things (obviously needing more practice to get it right ) and I was curious if it had been intentional on your part.

      • AnatoliyS
        AnatoliyS commented
        Editing a comment
        Would have never thought of pronouncing "violence" with 3 syllables! Double checked, and of course you are right! Then listened to it online in a couple dictionaries and could not hear the "o" in any one of them. I hear "vai-lence".

        But I agree with you, I try to keep constant rhythm in my poems since joining this forum. Will have to work on this stanza later.
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