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Father, Forgive Us

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  • Father, Forgive Us



    Father, Forgive Us

    Down, beyond the streetlight damping
    stood a stranger lost and stamping
    stars of golden embers. Tamping
    fires of feuding clans to black.

    Found alone among his betters
    bounded by constricting fetters
    none could satisfy the debtors
    waiting. Shadows sensed attack

    by the turn of booted tanner.
    Under wars audacious banner,
    borne aloft in vicious manner,
    feral actions earned a pass.

    Men would wonder, sore confessing
    what, between, deserved such pressing;
    stripping hope of birthright blessing
    from a son of Eden’s class.

    None could answer, truth beholding
    innocence by parties. Scolding
    privilege untamed by molding
    from staid fathers down to sons.

    Ways of ages made excuses.
    Past to present piled abuses
    left to right among the muses
    dangled as sufficient duns.

    Tales foreboding, sorry, sadder
    poisoned spite, as deadly adder
    struck each rung of justice ladder,
    coating all with venom’s spew.

    Darkest earth globe ever spinning
    man on man since time’s beginning.
    None, original in sinning,
    Eves or Adams – me – or you.
    Last edited by RhymeLovingWriter; 06-28-2017, 09:03 AM.

  • #2
    One of the best poems I've read recently (and I've been emerged in Dickinson and Yeats for a couple weeks now, trying to gain some inspiration)!

    One of the best rhyming formats I have read to date.

    And the message is... No words!

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you so much AnatoliyS. This is darker than my usual fare - I felt I was channeling Poe at one point - but the words came - so I typed them down. If it inspires - I am honored.

  • #3
    This is darker for you, RLW, but you played it well! Forgive us, indeed.

    Comment


    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      The whole Alan Parsons Project album, ''Tales of Mystery and Imagination'', is made of songs tied to Edgar Allen Poe's life and works.

    • AnatoliyS
      AnatoliyS commented
      Editing a comment
      Being a huge prog rock fan for some 13 years now, I somehow completely missed APP! While I heard about them, never actually listened to them! Thank you Muttado, "Tales of Mystery and Imagination" turns out to be a great place to start.

    • Muttado1sb
      Muttado1sb commented
      Editing a comment
      It was their first released album, Anatoliy. While I enjoy all of their music, ''Pyramid'' is my favorite album of theirs.

  • #4
    I really enjoyed how you rhymed every 3 lines last word and then the last word of the fourth line with the next stanzas last word on the fourth line - made this have a nice flow. The subject I think is sad but true and not your usual optimistic view. Many likes.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks AtL - I know - it was a different take on things for me, but sometimes that's just how it goes. Thank you for taking time to read, comment and leave a like! I appreciate you so much.

  • #5
    It's skilfully structured, but to whom does it refer? I feel like I'm supposed to know who the 'lost stranger' is, but I can't work it out. The third would seem to be a pivotal verse, but its meaning escapes me.

    Shadows sensed attack

    by the turn of booted tanner
    borne aloft in vicious manner.
    Under wars audacious banner
    actions feral earned a pass
    .

    Who is this 'booted tanner borne aloft'? Is the event a lynching? It sounds like an atrocity committed in wartime, but the 'actions feral' are hard to discern.

    Help!

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Is it possible to describe a particular event 'in general'? I ask with sincerity for this reason. It has never been a skill (or discipline-?) of mine to easily recall specific facts. It's a frustration for me, both in speaking and writing. It hampers my writing process if I have to stop to look something up. I appreciate very much those who recall and incorporate definite facts in their work. If I'm writing to inform, or doing a report or analysis - then by all means I need to find and relay facts. But in a poem, is it so critical?

      Is the fact that you found it disorienting a technical fault, or a personal preference? I respect and appreciate your analysis because I learn a lot from your sharing. Then I read what MrY said, and it didn't seem to have as detrimental an effect for him (although I do like his suggestion about rewording the stanza most in question).

      I'm not 'educated' in poetry, but would like what I write to appeal to as many people as possible. Am I expecting too much?

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      I think I've made a mountain out of a molehill, and made no sense into the bargain. MrY has written at length in such a way that my quibbles seem silly.

      I am not 'educated in poetry' either, and clearly Mystery is, so I'll leave the field to him/her, and put my quibbles down to a lack of discernment.

    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      You are a gracious man, Grant Hayes. Thank you.

  • #6
    Hi RLW, it's been a while since I visited this site and it was an immense pleasure to land upon this poem when I happened to log on. I probably err more towards the formal side in my poetry tastes, so this one was right up my street: trochaic tetrameter with some very strong end-rhymes, and the touch of inspiration in docking the final unstressed syllable to end each stanza with the alternative masculine rhyme. The falling meter of trochees seems incredibly well suited to the narrative of this poem, since the theme is one of failing and falling into society's worst habits.

    Although this is a very pleasing piece, rhythmically speaking, and that can sometimes be enough to sustain interest - at least in the ear - obviously we need a little more to let such a serious theme linger. And you have provided more with some violent content, both literally and figuratively speaking, as well as a lot of clear, concrete images. I noticed you mentioned the influence of Poe in one of your earlier replies, and it does have a bit of a Poe-like feel to it for sure. He was able to mix in the slightly more abstract with concrete images too.

    I also enjoyed the progression of the narrative here. What starts off on a small scale, seemingly focused on one anonymous man, that sense of anonymity becomes allegorical by the end of the poem as though 'man' was synonymous with 'mankind'. For me it has the effect of uniting mankind, even going as far back as the first Man to illustrate common threads throughout history. Rather than sermonising, it felt like a natural assumption to make based upon the evidence presented in the poem, and I feel like we, as readers, were guided towards the conclusion in time with the speaker.

    I have an idea for stanza three which might interest you, although obviously you are free to disregard it if it feels unfit: I thought that a period after tanner ('booted tanner' is almost a kenning for a totalitarian state to me, and a very strong one at that), followed by a switch of lines 2 and 3 and a minor word-order change in line 4, might work for you so it reads as follows:


    . . .Shadows sensed attack

    by the turn of booted tanner.
    Under wars audacious banner,
    borne aloft in vicious manner,
    feral actions earned a pass.

    While I appreciate this is a darkly-themed piece of poetry, it is still an incredibly engaging and enjoyable read. Kudos on working so proficiently with a very difficult metrical scheme and making it one of the key features in your poem.

    Comment


    • RhymeLovingWriter
      RhymeLovingWriter commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you MrY, for taking time with this one. I believe it's the first time I've ever completed a piece with this meter. I've started a few others, but never gotten very far.

      I do like your idea for stanza three - and as soon as I finish this comment, am going to incorporate it! This is just the type of rearranging and tinkering I need to learn about if I want to grow as a poet writer. Here is where my impatience to post something works against me, but I'll continue trying.

      Again, many thanks. I get an education from your comments every time you share.

  • #7
    This felt like poetic jazz.

    A stream of consciousness riff.

    I interpret this poem as a reference to ones darker self.

    Great work!

    Comment


  • #8
    I write mostly in rhyme myself and this is a standard bearer for me. Very enjoyable and very well done.

    Comment

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