Dejny

[N. Y. Sonnet]

skulking shadow,
lurking amongst
the slumbering
Ancients, haunting
forgotten vaults
and crumbling tombs
shifting shapeless,
two-faced, nameless,
whispering lore
the deathless book,
ever growing
by victor's hand,
song of Time and
lament of Past

I am present
I keep all. I
am History



As I am new to this style of writing, any advice and suggestions for improvement from the masters would be very welcome and greatly appreciated. And the title of the piece is 'history' in Slovak--I wanted the identity of the piece to remain unknown until the end.

[amenOra]

Style, like shorter, clipped lines? Much emphasis on breath, and intonation. I figure, each line should be spoken separately... as in, each like be given a breath, to see how it sounds that way, spoken to hear by the ear. I have some experience, if it's the same thing were speaking of.

I love your ending explanation, and that word. Akasa is the records we read of all events Ever. o Akasha.

Here is my thing: The end bugs me. want to know why? The I -- dangling there necond to last line. I like the lines to be well balanced, and this may be preference.
I also see the empasis you put between the enjambment of I. .. and am History.

Which works very well. It's the visual thing which stops me up. lol. We need more viewpoints. Thanks for sharin.

The middle was great, like a wafte, or something. Rhythm nicely controlled. I was surprised, as if you took a detour, or a different route than I had anticipated.

Goodjob.

[N. Y. Sonnet]

Thanks a lot for your feedback! The reason why I split up the I-am History, is because I had a syllable count of 4 syllables per line - and that was the only way I could think of to make it work. Any ideas, so that I can keep the 4syll-per-line and not break up the I-am History?

And yes, by 'this style' I also mean one written without end-of-the-line rhyme (which I usually use when writing poems).

[amenOra]

I am present
I keep all
I am history.

I see the change'd effect of splitting the line, and your own wonted "wrap" of the syllables to be in line (I didnt catch that subtlety, of course, til you mentioned the 4 syllables. Nice, that is the discipline which strengthens our writing and even our spirit! lol!)

I am present -- is it necessary?
Keeping all -- would that be a good substitute ... as in, the lack of repetiition of "I"
I like the fall, between
I...
am history.

It is final, and a slam dunk end. You need to preserve that in one sense or another, in my opinion (imo)

Being present,
Keeping all, I
Am History.

See, now I feel like it's just perfunctory to change. You don't need to change the message, just the construction, (IMO) and it's a very nitpicky change anyway. What ya needa do is know you're a great, beautiful poet! lol.... anyway, that's where I am right now. I shall think on this lil "thing". Very inconsequential, like I said: More visual, for me, than anything else; re:construction. And I am a very visual person.

Thanks for listening ...

[N. Y. Sonnet]

I like that!! Thank you very much!

[Suz-zen]

Ah!! I really like this! You have got it. The style suits you! And the feeling for me was straight to the heart- the title and the last line as book ending is incredibly effective.

[N. Y. Sonnet]

Why, thank you, Suz-zen!

[AlexandratheLate]

I really like the amount of syllables in each line and the descriptive words. The ending is great!!

[N. Y. Sonnet]

Thanks! I toyed with the idea of using more syllables, but then decided on four. So I'm glad to hear that it works!

[grant hayes]

You've taken to this structure very well, N Y Sonnet. I see you've got assonance and consonance and occasional rhyme weaving together to make it sing.

skulking / amongst / slumbering
haunting / vaults
tombs / shapeless / two-faced nameless

Good to see!

[N. Y. Sonnet]

Thank you so much! I love assonance/consonance/alliteration, and I try to employ them as much as possible...though it doesn't turn out every time. I really appreciate you comment!

[RhymeLovingWriter]

Love it! More, please.

[N. Y. Sonnet]

Thank you!

[Tony Grannell]

Hello N.Y Sonnet, I am history, indeed - into the tombs of yore like an archeologist your prosodic verse reveals your love of poetry and history, venturing forth into new forms with flair and an adventurous spirit. Well done indeed. Regards, Tony.

[N. Y. Sonnet]

What a kind comment! Thank you! I do indeed love history and archaeology -- and poetry, of course!. Your comment put a smile on my face! Best regards to you as well!