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stars speaking (2 versions- from an exercise)

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  • stars speaking (2 versions- from an exercise)

    Version 1

    Stars speaking in a language unknown-how
    Thrilling the unfamiliar; hair on skin
    Stands at attention and answers their call


    Slighted Souls hide under dimmest clouds
    Their clothing worn- protection from nature
    Endlessly expect help from the outside

    Clearly in naked wonder... bee cocoons
    Hibernating must awaken; a design
    An accident to arouse a passage
    To stars able to show us the divine.





    Version 2

    Stars speaking in a language unknown-how
    Thrilling the unfamiliar; hair on skin
    At attention and answers, what’s allowed
    Spinning two worlds pleasure thoughts of our sin


    Slighted Souls hide within dimmest clouds
    Same clothing worn- protection from nature
    Endlessly expect help more from the crowd
    All over appears an able new teacher


    Blessed in naked wonder- bee cocoons
    Hibernating must awaken; to design
    Sweet propeller to hasten life too soon
    To stars waiting to show us the divine
    Translated language; what colors these moons




    Two versions of a poem inspired by a beehive i saw I and a physical reaction I often have to nature or I will say 'Spirit' as I know it.
    - This was an exercise in writing using different devices, form, and communication- from writer to reader.
    Does either one work?
    I am really not sure. Supposed to be puzzling, but not in a way that makes you want to run away.
    Thank you, if you don't run.
    V1- my regular way
    V2- the challenge


  • #2
    I prefer the second version, muchly. Both have expositional patches that haven't yet broken free, eg.
    'stars speaking in a language unknown',
    'protection from nature',
    'hibernating must awaken'.

    Comment


    • #3
      not sure if it's related, but Manchester is often referred to as the beehive, and bee tattoos are suddenly quite popular.

      Comment


      • Suz-zen
        Suz-zen commented
        Editing a comment
        lunar glide - thank you for the like and the comment. I had not known that about Manchester. Interesting. I had seen the soaring popularity of bees of late not only with tatts, kitchen towels, glassware, pillows, etc.! My fascination with bees started after reading The Secret Life of Bees. A novel from Sue Monk Kidd in 2003.Earlier really as my grandparents leased some of their farmland to beekeepers when I was a small girl. I at that time was very fearful of them. I was certain they would hurt me. I never was stung and loved honey and had a lot conflict over these creatures even then! I learned a lot from these teachers - the bees.
        ~All over appears an able new teacher~
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