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wretched seas feel like home (a reworked poem from summer)

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  • wretched seas feel like home (a reworked poem from summer)


    woeful in my journey of lamentable misfortune
    like a tugboat pulling a ship in the fog

    my life falls into an ocean of milky froth
    the constant symphony of
    thoughts
    thoughts
    thoughts
    chiding me before sleep

    why do wretched seas feel like home
    where there is no Captain?
    must the Navigator always sleep?
    am I alone in a search for a balm
    to heal the omnipresence of uncontrolled sighs


    cranes on unsteady legs watch
    as words hover in waves on shallow sand
    waiting
    waiting
    waiting
    to receive communion
    asking
    asking
    asking
    when do we receive?
    how does the Lord's Prayer end?

    you appear sylph-like and hold my hand


  • #2
    Suz-zen, I love your experimentation with visual layout and phrasing in this poem. "milky froth" - warm milk before bed? I think the first line is overdone and is much cleaner if you remove "lamentable" which I feel is redundant with "woeful". Now an odd question. Why the use of 3 thoughts, waiting and asking; instead of 2? Is it for verbal or visual emphasis, or both? The ending of this poem is extraordinary! Also love this phrase

    cranes on unsteady legs watch
    as words hover in waves on shallow sand

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      thank you Tanner for reading and commenting and liking!
      woeful in my journey - I was expressing a deep sadness/grieving
      lamentable misfortune-i was picturing someone in their mind ruminating regret as an adjunct to the sadness

      I see where it could come off as redundant or overdone. I will consider reworking.

      The use of (3) is an auspicious number in Chinese and also represents the (3) Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost in Christianity.

      The entire last part of asking and waiting is inspired by, 'ask you will receive.'

      cranes on unsteady legs- they represent happiness

      I have used cranes in my poetry before. My parents had Japanese paintings of cranes in our living room as I was growing up. All in gold and black and white...two panels. I think of them and they 'speak to me'


  • #3
    Visually beautiful Suzzen and the repetition for emphasis is wonderful for it makes it feel like I'm going through this and it's 'drumming' on. I think this is wonderful.

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      Thanks so much. The 'drumming' is what I was after in the lyrical impact almost in prayer.I always appreciate your kind words AlexandratheLate

  • #4
    Suz-zen, I feel that the strong adjectives 'woeful', 'lamentable', and 'wretched' tilt more towards tell than show, and 'search for a balm to heal the omnipresence of uncontrolled sighs' verges on over-wordy melodrama. It's easy to do when one feels strongly.

    The second section with the cranes and waiting and liturgical references is much more effective, in my opinion. I concur with Tanner's enthusiasm about the last line.
    Last edited by grant hayes; 04-01-2017, 08:42 PM.

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you grant. I will go back to the drawing board. My original did not have as much ... Will pare it back and re-post. Appreciate the careful analysis and care with which you read and comment!! I am a bit befuddled this morning after seeing a show last night 'The Naked Magicians ' from Australia! I need to have my coffee and get my head right!!
      😝

    • grant hayes
      grant hayes commented
      Editing a comment
      Sounds quite distracting, Suz-zen; I have not come across this show, so can only imagine.

  • #5
    my first read, it revved up As the cranes came into view -- good broken rhythm, and nice scene, really. that tanner & grant highlighted my favorite parts, and helped me see 'why' is great. the repeated (refrain do you call that??) worked so well to cushion the landing. And the lords prayer Nice touch. Not too heavy.

    i still wonder if the line grant spoke of works, or is melodrama... yes, true i know Sighs, and good ones n not so good ones ...

    hmm... i guess ill think on it more. ah, sylphs! love it!

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      I am appreciate your comments! After reading what grant and tanner had written, and now your response I will sit with this piece and rework it. I knew it was not really ready. Still not quite sure where I want it to go. Much thanks! I will take each word you have written and your opinion to heart as I open my mind ...

  • #6
    yes on the ending ! and yes on the sea as the thread of this poem. I would like to read the original. Sometimes poems jump out of the oven before they should.

    Comment


    • Suz-zen
      Suz-zen commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you lunar glide. Haha. Yes, out of the oven too fast and sometimes over-baked! Maybe the latter here ! Or former ?! I will
      send you original. Any help is appreciated from you and our other poet friends here.... All of you with talent far beyond mine. Feeling a bit oafish this morning, but I know I can improve. NOT fishing for praise!! Being honest ... no words of encouragement needed. Honest assessment is really what I like and appreciate with every write. Being vulnerable...allows for growth.

  • #7
    Thank You Suz-zen Enjoyed very much

    Comment


    • #8
      Suz-zen, I rather like your unique stylings here. Concur with some of the comments - glad to have read them. As I am given to the melodramatic in my own phrasing at times, I'd probably not have noticed that on my own (which is one reason I still feel such a newbie at times). I like the triplicate thoughts/waiting/asking for the elongation it provides for the formatting. It holds visual appeal for me and pounded home the intent of the phrasing.

      Comment


      • #9
        grant hayes Tanner lunar glide AlexandratheLate RhymeLovingWriter The second amenOra i have taken all of your comments into consideration...have worked on this for several days/nights.
        See Version 2. Let me know what you think.
        Writing from iPhone. Sans glasses Sure hope typos are minimal.




        a tugboat in the moonless sky
        woeful as I
        solitary and
        moving the sea


        you appear sylph-like
        as I fall into an ocean of
        milky froth
        hearing a symphony
        of unworthy thoughts

        why do these
        wretched seas feel like home?
        where is the Captain?
        must the crew always slumber?
        how am I to quiet my spontaneous sighs?

        cranes on unsteady legs watch
        as words hover above waves
        on shallow sand
        asking , waiting
        to receive communion
        When-
        did I forget the Lords Prayer?








        Thank you!
        Last edited by Suz-zen; 04-03-2017, 08:07 AM.

        Comment


        • #10
          WOW Suz-zen. I liked the first version a lot. I love the second. It's got wonderful flow. That opening stanza - 'solitary and moving the sea' - such a lonesome yet powerful image.The rhetorical closing nicely encapsulates (especially for me as a Christian) an unspoken answer. Very beautiful.

          Comment


          • #11
            They're both beautiful Suzzen. The first to me was much more like frustration and self-pity and the second version was more soulful - loneliness. The second has more impact. Beautiful.

            Comment


            • #12
              Love the first version and the cranes on wobbly legs although your poetry is steady as she goes.
              Last edited by Bobby Del Boy; 04-03-2017, 07:11 PM.

              Comment


              • #13
                the structure and refrain of the first are perfect for me...

                Comment


                • #14
                  hearing a symphony
                  of unworthy thoughts


                  It reads like the thoughts themselves are deemed unworthy, but I'm wondering whether you meant to say that the thoughts induce in the thinker feelings of being unworthy.

                  Merely 'hearing' a symphony seems flat in the context, i.e. falling into an ocean. The mixed metaphor here does not work.

                  I liked the sylph-like epiphany being at the end, which was one of the best things in the first work; here it loses its impact.

                  The series of rhetorical questions, with its 'wretched seas' and 'spontaneous sighs' is melodramatic and kind of commonplace. You can do much much better.

                  The first stanza is now fascinating in its musical sparseness. Zesta!

                  All in all, a mixed bag.

                  Comment


                  • #15
                    but i did like the lack of punctuation, e.g. no "?". to the question.

                    comments bring up the idea, when i have my poem in mind, how successful is its execution? and did i expect what happened? ...

                    did the spirit carry to the end, in other words.

                    Comment

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