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Young lover loses in love and his self worth in the process. "The gate still creaks, I am nothing" love this Suz-zen -
This nuanced and layered imagery is very evocative, Suz-zen.
Actually, in rereading it - it's not even the language - it is the feelings - as if I'm looking into someone's experiences over time. I can't even think how to say what I mean, but it seems a masterful write to me.Comment
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The artistry in this piece is so smoothly wrought. The rhythm is sure; the musicality is powerful, but not contrived or overbearing. I'd point out some of the ways the magic is worked, so that readers might better appreciate the achievement here:
- the bracketing of the piece with the sound of the gate at start and end.
- summer / swimming
- reappear / believe / real
- shade / willow words / shade
- the concentration of /e/ , /k/, /s/, and /d/ sounds in stanza 4: ecstasy / cold lemonade / quenches / desert
- the wonderfully insightful simile of stanza 4
- the sheer power of the bare iteration of the gate at the end: 'I am nothing'.
It is such effects, I believe, that give a relatively short piece like this such uncanny power and wide resonance. Evocative sounds; setting distilled to pure, potent essence; the appeal to the senses ... all brushed on like a few strokes of calligraphy.
Wow, Suz-zen! Salutes galore!Last edited by grant hayes; 03-19-2017, 07:46 PM.Comment
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#4.1Editing a commentgrant hayes I am blown away by your description of my poem. I like it!! I salute you back with great respect as your knowledge of poetry and talent is far greater than mine. It took me several days to pen this. To answer Bobby Del Boy and RhymeLovingWriter the idea was conceived in a flash after seeing a photograph from a ghost-town. A friend had jotted down some words from the Bible. The image with the words magically intertwined in my head as have been thinking of true love and waiting for it, what that means, and what gets in the way of it. And voila... here is the result.
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grant hayes thank you for the explanation. I tried as did Paula, to express what I took away from this polished write, but I like Paula could not articulate the emotions I felt in words. Suz-zen I would also like to know more about your mind set when you conceived this gem. The title really pulled me in and I could have focused all my attention on that and come away enthralled and satisfied. Great share!Comment
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You had me at the title Suzzen. 'His heart matches the creak of the gate long rusted' is so vivid and tugs at your own heart to feel the way he feels. Beautifully done.Comment
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Suz-zen for me, your explanation and this conversational exchange with the other poets here is such a delight. It's great to be in "The Zone" with you and all the above poets. Great day!Comment
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Very nice! I really love the way you thought of this piece! Nice imagery! Mysterious beginning with powerful ending!Comment
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Your poems lift me over a field where logic and perfume are mixed together. Thank youLast edited by lunar glide; 03-20-2017, 11:38 AM.Comment
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This is a fantastic poem!
Emotive, melodic, effect use of imagery!Comment
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