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For your Eyes

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  • For your Eyes

    Before your eyes, I disguise myself
    It helps with the depression
    Whenever it is setting in.
    Find the lines that hide beside my spine,
    Like, I might rise by this little possession.
    Found by the position I'm in,
    You've been haunting
    And in my brain again.

    Wishing a friend might show up like wind
    To taunt the demons
    I hide within.

    He let you in.
    Admission be your regret,
    That the fee.
    Annex his dignity to list of things
    He made free,
    And it'd aid the blade back to sheath
    It only you'd crusade heaven to his heath.

    Please don't say it hurt
    "This fame" Us remarked
    Tastes like dirt,
    When we eat the words.

    Consummate in discrete,
    Repeat.
    We mean-
    Deceit and dictate
    The kings last speech.
    It'd cast a reach
    Past the wings of angels
    and their vast strings
    That amassed songs of unabashed fiends
    Who crashed. So long.
    I must ask,
    Am I wrong?


    - - -
    The following link is a recording of me reciting this poem. Feedback of any kind is appreciated.
    https://soundcloud.com/user-292925241/for-your-eyes
    Last edited by Impkid; 03-18-2017, 11:55 AM. Reason: **Minor corrections

  • #2
    I like your first stanza and then as you proceed I get a little lost. That is just me.

    The lines further down that are quite good are:
    It'd cast a reach
    Past the wings of angels
    and their vast strings


    Impkid

    I can feel the raw emotion in all of it.

    Comment


    • #3
      Welcome to the zone Impkid! I so like the way you've worked the individual internal rhymes, but am a bit like Suz-zen - I get lost the farther I proceed.

      I especially liked the sound of this section, but am not so clear on meaning based on what came before:
      Please don't say it hurt
      "This fame" Us remarked
      Tastes like dirt,
      When we eat the words.


      I listened to the recording but the intro and outtake sections before and after your recitation (and apparently running the background) distracted me. If you care to give more detail or break it down for us, that may help. Many poets like a piece to stand on its own - so that'd be entirely up to you.

      Either way - welcome again! Keep posting and let us hear more. The more you write and leave comments on other people's work - the more likely you are to receive the same for your own!

      Comment


      • Impkid
        Impkid commented
        Editing a comment
        Yes of course, I am not ignoring the question I am just doing my best to figure out how to phrase the meaning of the piece.
        And thank you for the welcome!

      • RhymeLovingWriter
        RhymeLovingWriter commented
        Editing a comment
        Perhaps I spoke too hastily - I didn't mean to add irritation or impatience. I am one of the slower poets in the zone when it comes to comprehension - so don't judge anything by my laggardly ways. I usually understand fine after a few read-throughs.

    • #4
      I quite liked it in combination with your recitation! I honestly believe this could turn into a very interesting song. Background track did not distract me, I think it creates unusual atmosphere, which is nice.

      Comment

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